Learning to Love Again
by xx-elsewhere
Summary: Two years later, 15 year old Julia Shepherd decides she's tired of running and that it's time to go home. She arrives, unannounced with a trail of secrets following her, assuming everyone has moved on. However she learns this is not the case, and that a lot of things can change in two years. This is a sequel to my story, Just Ain't Enough.
1. Prologue

**Prologue**

 **Learning to Love Again**

Julia's POV

 _It's funny how you can go from having everything, to eventually having nothing at all_.

A lot can happen in two years. You can runaway. Go back to New York. Live on the streets for a while. You learn to sleep during the days, walk the streets at nights.

Hunts Point becomes your best friend. It is where you work at nights. It is where you by drugs. It is where you make friends. It is home.

You find Ainslie and her boyfriend Mike. You find out you have a three year old sister.

Their home becomes your home. And eventually, you get drawn into a life that you tried to hard to escape. Drugs. Parties. And Prostitution. Until one day you come home and there is blood, so much blood.

It's funny isn't it? How you can go from having everything, to eventually having nothing at all.

* * *

Derek's POV

 _When you are torn between two people, between two places,_

 _you start to lose sight of who you are._

It's funny how things can crumble to the ground within seconds, minutes, even hours. It doesn't take long after that for a crisis to emerge and for things to continue to spiral downhill.

A lot can happen in two years, twelve hours, seven minutes and thirty seconds.

Your daughter can go missing.

You cheat on your wife during a "hospital prom."

You and your wife can get a divorce. She can move to LA. Start work at a private practice.

You move back into what your daughter would call, the trailer in the middle of nowhere land.

Your sister can relapse. Go to rehab for the third time. Then get a job working for Doctors Without Boarders, leave the country and move to Africa.

Eventually, you can't let go of your daughter's disappearance. You can't let go of the aftermath. You can't stop going to New York each weekend to look for her. You can't let it go. You can't move on.

So you stop going to work because your patients and colleagues no longer you as a God but as a father who is fixated on his missing daughter.

So you lose the girlfriend you were going to purpose to by throwing your mother's engagement ring into the woods.

So you become depressed, cold hearted and alone.

Eventually, things begin to get better. You start going to work again. You start dating again. Eventually, little by little, you do move on.

But the thing is, life is never exactly how it was before.

* * *

Addison's POV

 _There was no reason to stay in Seattle._

 _I didn't feel anything there. I didn't feel anything at all._

It's been two years since I've moved here. Oceanside Wellness is different than Seattle Grace. A good different. Here, there's no rain. There's no Meredith. There's no Derek. There's no Mark.

Richard begged me to stay, he promised he'd keep my job open as long as he could.

I needed I reason to wake up every morning. To not care that it's raining

He begged. He pleaded. He said I belonged in the OR.

There was no reason to stay in Seattle. I didn't feel anything there. I didn't feel anything at all.

So I moved, here to California, took a job at Oceanside Wellness, a private practice my friends Naomi and Sam owned, or did own.

I run the practice now. Pete, Violet, Cooper, Charlotte, and Sam, they all own shares.

You'd think I had it all; a new house on the beach in Santa Monica; a new job; new friends; a new life.

But there's no Derek. There's no Mark. There's no Seattle. There's no Julia.

Sometimes I miss the rain. I miss the rush of the OR. More than anything, anything at all, I miss Julia.

* * *

Amelia's POV

 _After each of these times I got sober._

 _After each of these times I vowed to change my life around._

Life can change in a blink of an eye. The thing is though; you don't realize when it does. It is the after match that gets you sucked in, looking for clues, for that one defining moment, when everything shattered, that moment when everything fell apart.

How many times can a person hit rock bottom? And was exactly is rock bottom?

Was it when my father got shot? Was it when I crashed my brother's car into a telephone pole? Was it when I overdosed the second time? Or was it when I peed on a stick and pink plus sign appeared, but realized I couldn't bring another little life into this world, when there was a thirteen-year-old girl that needed me more?

After each of these times I got sober. After each of these times I vowed to change my life around.

No matter how many chances you get, you are always left wondering when you will hit rock bottom again?

* * *

Mark's POV

 _It is hard to watch your friends' lives fall apart._

 _It is hard to watch them lose everything they have._

Things went from bad to worst. You would think that a kid, that walked into your life only 6 months before, would not have impacted your life the way she did. But she did. She drew you into her lies, and her mysterious eyes. Her eyes held secrets inside, a lifetime of untold stories.

It is hard to watch your friends' lives fall apart. It is hard to watch them lose everything they have.

When Mini D left, things were shit. Amy relapsed and went on a drug binge. Derek became so depressed that he stopped showing up for work. Addie, she decided she had enough and moved to LA.

So you be strong. You hold it together. Despite, the fact that you are missing this kid too, you do it because someone has to.

Then one day, things around you began to get better. So you continue to hold things in because you don't want things to fall apart again.

How long though can someone hold it together? How long can someone be strong, when they are hurting inside too?

* * *

Julia's POV.

 _Eventually, all this is too much. Eventually you hit rock bottom._

 _Eventually you decide to come home._

You don't realize how much can happen in two years until you experience it, until you take a breath, look back, and recount your memories, recount the moments you've collected. It's then, two years later that you realize how much can actually happen.

Eventually all this, is too much. Eventually you hit rock bottom. Eventually you decide to come home.


	2. I'm Here

**A/N:** Here's the first chapter. I can't tell you how many times I rewrote it. I'm really excited for this sequel.

I have lots of ideas for the story, but am just writing them up as I go alone, so if anyone has any suggestions, leave them as a review or PM me :)

 **Chapter One**

It's hard to give second chances. It's even harder to ask for them.

A chance to do it again, knowing what you know now, what you've learned.

A chance to do it completely differently.

A chance to right our wrongs, to try and correct our mistakes. A

chance to try and start over, from scratch.

\- Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy

* * *

 **Julia's POV**

 _Slowly fading away_

 _You're lost and so afraid_

 _Where is the hope in a world so cold?_

 _Looking for a distant light_

 _Someone who could save a life_

 _You're living in fear that no one will hear your cries_

 _Can you save me now?_

 **February, 2009 Two Weeks Ago**

My life was different once, back in Seattle. My parents were doctors. World-class surgeons to be exact. Neonatal. Neurology. We lived in a trailer at first, on the land that my father owned and then we moved into a condo, over looking Seattle Harbour, on Union Street. I liked the trailer the best. We were actually family when we lived at the trailer.

I live in another world now. One filled with parties, drugs, and prostitution. It's an empty, emotionless, and cold. Everything is cold.

There is Ainslie, Mike, and my sister Ryleigh. I found them in the Bronx, a little over a year ago. Ainslie and Mike had thrown a party. My friend Dee brought me there.

Mike runs a "prostitution business". He operates off Backpage. My naked pictures are posted for the world to see. He is a pimp and a jackass.

Drugs help. They numb the pain. They leave you emotionless, until the high wears off and you are left struggling for air.

"I don't want you to go," Ryleigh pouts, sitting up on her bed, crossing her arms over her chest. It's the same every night. She insists. She pleas. She begs.

I was that way with Aunt Amelia. I would insist she not go. I would plea. I would beg. I hated her leaving me alone.

"Your mom will be here." Ainslie and Mike fight a lot. Ryleigh hates being left alone with them.

"I want you here…"

"I know you do," I emphasize, my fingers dance through her dirty blonde hair. "I'll be back tomorrow though, when you wake up."

"But they are always so loud. Their yelling hurts my ears."

"Here," I grab my iPod from my nightstand. "Listen to this okay? We'll do something fun tomorrow?"

"Can we go to the trailer?" I've told her about Seattle. About Derek and Addison. About the trailer in the middle of nowhere.

"Soon," I promise, placing the headphones on Ryleigh's ears, I kiss her temple. Once I save up enough money, I promised Ryleigh I'd take her.

I turn her bedroom light off, close the door and make my way through the apartment. I slip into my red heels beside the door before making my way through the building and out into the night.

Sunlight breaks through the dark sky as I let myself into the apartment the next morning. An unusual silence greets me. There's no pitter-patter of feet. There's no name calling.

On a normal morning, she's usually the one to greet me at the door with cartoons playing on the television in the background. There are no cartoons. There are no morning greetings. There is no hug, with her sticky hands wrapping around my waste.

But there is blood. There is so much blood.

"Ryleigh!" I scream, franticly, dashing through the apartment. "Ryleigh!"

The blood. There is so much of it.

I find their bodies lying on Ainslie's bed. Motionless. Blood covered. Unbearable to look at. Screams echo through the apartment. They are loud. They are horrifying.

But there is so much blood.

That is all I can tell them when I call 911. There is blood. There is so much blood.

And it is cold. Everything is so cold.

* * *

 **Mid February, Present Day**

She will have questions, I'm sure of it. _Where have you been?_ She'll ask, as I appear out of darkness, two years later. _What are you doing here?_ These are questions I don't know how to answer. I can't tell here where I have been. I can't tell her what I've seen.

Images appear every time I close my eyes. Ryleigh. Ainslie. The blood. The images are dreadful. Gruesome. Repugnant. Darkness, it seems to follow me everywhere I go. Each step. Each movement. It is suffocating.

The elevator stops at the fifth floor. My feet step into Oceanside Wellness, the private practice Addison now works at. I saw her on a commercial when was at the hospital. I saw the commercial when I had to ID the bodies in the morgue. I walk up to the reception desk.

"Can I help you?" A man asks. He's got dirty blonde hair, a tan complexion. He's too young to be a doctor.

"I'm looking for Addison Shepherd," I respond, a name I haven't said in nearly two years.

The man behind the desk studies me. "Shepherd?" He raises his eyebrows.

"I uh-er I mean Dr. Addison Montgomery," my words stumble. "I saw your commercial and it said she worked here."

"She does," the man nods. "Dr. Montgomery is out for the afternoon. Do you have an appointment?"

"No."

"She'll be back in tomorrow. Do you want to make an appointment?"

"I'll wait. Which way is her office?" I look around the building, start walking towards the right.

"The waiting room is that way," the man hurries around the desk and jumps in front of me, pointing in the opposite direction.

"She'll want to see me," I ensure him. "I'm her niece." It's a lie. This guy doesn't get that I haven't seen my stepmother in two years. Ex-stepmother.

"You can wait in the kitchen then," he compromises. He walks me towards the kitchen. "You know where to find me if you need anything. I'm Dell by the way."

I return his smile, grab myself a bottle of water from the fridge, climb up on a bar stool and wait. It is the only thing left to do. It is the only thing I can do.

* * *

"Oh my god he shot her?" A dark skinned woman exclaims a little while later, as she enters the kitchen with a few of her colleagues. "As in shot her? Shot her?"

"As in killed her shot her," I recognize Dell's voice from behind.

"Killed who?" I look up from the magazine I was reading.

"Who are you?" A brown haired man enters, followed by a woman with curly tanned color hair. He pours himself a cup of coffee.

"This is Addison's niece," Dell introduces me.

"Addison's niece?" The dark skinned woman questions him. "Addison doesn't have a niece Dell." History has a way of repeating its self.

 _Derek doesn't have a daughter Mark_. Addison's voice fills my memories.

"Ex-niece," I correct them.

"As in a Shepherd niece?" A dark skinned main apparels.

"Exactly!" Try ex-stepdaughter.

"Addison's over at St. Ambrose. She's not going to be back for a bit," the dark haired woman says. "I'm Naomi."

The dark skinned man is named Sam. The woman with curly hair is named Violet. The dark haired man is named Cooper. They tell me there's another guy named Pete, who works in the practice too.

"I can call her if you want," Naomi offers.

"I can wait," I inform her.

"Okay," she nods in agreement. "You can wait in her office then."

As I follow Naomi out of the kitchen, I eye Dell. It wasn't that complicated was it?

I plop my body in Addison's desk chair. Time passes by. Minutes turn into hours. After attempting to hack into Addison's computer, I rage Addison's desk.

It is dark outside by now. Out in the hallway, eyes peer at me. They whisper amongst each other.

Under a stack of old papers, I find a picture of us. It was taken Harper Avery Awards. Fake smiles appear back at me. Dead eyes. Untold secrets. So much time has passed since then. So much has changed.

I get up and walk out into the hallway, bumping into Naomi as I do.

"Oh hi," her feet stop, files in her arms. "I didn't think Addison would be this long. Are you hungry? Is there anything you need?"

"I need a picture frame."

"A picture frame?"

"Do you have one?"

"I'll see what I can find okay?"

She appears a few minutes later, picture frame in hand. "Are you sure there isn't anything I can get you? Are you okay?" Naomi studies my appearance, approaching Addison's desk.

My clothes are dirty, my hair is tangled, and my makeup is smudged. Dark circles appear under my eyes. There is a whole in my left combat boot and a missing shoelace in my right.

I take the picture frame from her. "I'm okay, thank you." It is an understatement.

"My office is just down the hall if you need anything."

I nod watching Naomi leave. I place the picture in the frame and put it on Addison's desk. It looks better framed, a bit more alive.

More hours pass, as I curl into a ball on the sofa, exhausted. Sleep has been impossible. Their bodies, the blood, the bathroom floor, it won't go away. It's an unforgettable moment, that's indented into my memory forever.

* * *

Hands shake me. My body jerks upwards, frightened, suddenly alert.

"I'm sorry," a familiar voice fills my ears. "I didn't expect to be so late."

I rub my eyes, grasp a hold of my surroundings. Emerald eyes. Red auburn hair. Addison.

"You're not my niece," she breathes and then sits down beside me.

"I saw your commercial," I whisper.

"Is that why you are here? Does your father know you're here?" Worry shows. It dances throughout her eyes.

I shake my head. "Some bad stuff happened." I hold back the tears, one's I haven't managed to cry yet.

"Bad stuff?" Addison repeats. "Are you okay?"

I shake my head again. "I didn't know were to go. Bad things happened and I just couldn't stay there, in New York. I couldn't breathe."

"Why don't you start from the beginning then," Addison suggests. "What happened in New York?"

"A lot. A lot of things Addie," sadness shows in my eyes. Horror. Trauma. Death. Can she read them?

* * *

 **Addison's POV**

 _I am with you_

 _I will carry you through it all_

 _I won't leave you, I will catch you_

 _When you feel like letting go_

 _'Cause you're not, you're not alone_

She'll want to know more, about the divorce, about why I'm here. She has questions, lots of them. But she doesn't ask. I have questions too. Questions that she doesn't answer. She doesn't talk about where she's been, she doesn't ask how Derek's doing. She doesn't mention Derek at all.

I show her around the house. The downstairs first; the kitchen, the living room, the half bath, and then the office. I watch as she circles around the rooms, taking it all in. I hesitate before I show her the upstairs. Kevin's in the master bedroom, recovering from a gun shot. I'm surprised he hasn't called down by now, wondering who I'm talking to.

Julia follows me upstairs. I show her the guest bedrooms and the full bath. I let her pick the one she wants to stay in. She picks the bedroom next to my room. I taking a breath, before I show her the master bedroom.

"There's something I should tell you."

She looks at me her blue eyes are filled with mysteries and opens the door to my bedroom, as if she doesn't have any fear at all.

"Who are you?" Kevin questions, as I follow Julia inside.

Her eyes bounce between Kevin and I. She doesn't say anything.

"This is Julia," I introduce her.

"I'm Kevin," he informs her.

"Maybe I should have gone to home after all." Julia takes one look at Kevin waltzes out of my bedroom. She waltzes out of sight.

"I'm sorry," I say quickly to Kevin. "She isn't exactly a people person."

"Who is she Addie?"

"She's Derek's daughter."

"You never mentioned Derek had a kid."

"It's a long story," I begin to explain. ""She has a habit of showing up places unannounced. I've been the only positive mother figure for the most part. She showed up in Seattle a little over two and a half years ago. She ran away from foster care. And then she ran away again about two years ago. She has a habit of doing that too. Kevin I should have told you…I didn't think she would be—"

"It's okay Addie, you can't rewrite history."

I nod relieved. "I can't rewrite history."

* * *

 **Julia's POV**

 _Your heart is full of broken dreams_

 _Just a fading memory_

 _And everything's gone but the pain carries on_

 _Lost in the rain again_

 _When will it ever end?_

 _The arms of relief seem so out of reach_

 _But I, I am here_

Time stops. That fairy tale, the one you secretly hoped for, the one that keep you going through all those bad moments is gone. Minutes past. They are motionless. They are wordless.

At least 10% of people in the United States of America are divorced. 1.5 million children have divorced parents. I'm now another statistic.

"I was going to tell you about Kevin," Addison starts.

"When Addie?" I counteract angrily.

"I know this is new, at lot has changed. It's been two years. The divorce, it didn't have anything to do with you. You knew we were having trouble with our marriage before you came to Seattle, before we came to Seattle."

Everything is lost.

"Our relationship wasn't healthy. All that fighting-it was not good for any of us," Addison continues. Her words all blur together.

"You never wanted me," I blurt out. I'm tired of secrets. I'm tired of lies. There is so much of it. "You just put up with me."

"That's not true Mini D. That's not true at all."

"You'd rather have Mark's baby then me. I was just an inconvenience." I'd give anything to make this all go away.

"All this time….is that what you felt? Is that why you ran away?"

"I over heard you talking to Mark about your abortion. I just thought….I don't know….I just thought you didn't want me. And at the reception, I saw Derek go into an on call room with Meredith. I was just tired of everything. The lies, the cheating, and drugs helped me escape for a while until the night of the reception and I couldn't take anymore. I just couldn't breathe."

"I am so sorry you felt that way," Addison apologizes. "If we had known, if you told us….then maybe you wouldn't have runaway."

And then, if I haven't had runaway, I wouldn't have had to see the bodies and the blood. Ainslie and Ryleligh would non-existent; in a different way then they are now—unknown, unaware of and maybe possibly living.

* * *

 **Addison's POV**

 _I am with you_

 _I will carry you through it all_

 _I won't leave you, I will catch you_

 _When you feel like letting go_

 _'Cause you're not, you're not alone_

I pace the living room with the telephone in my hand, back and fourth, from one end to the other. I debate calling Derek, I debate calling Mark, I debate calling Amelia.

Numbers are dialed and stopped midway through. A list of pros and cons is made in my head. Then, there is the thought of skipping the phones calls, the awkward silences, the unanswered questions, and taking a plane to Seattle, to do it all in person.

What do I say to Derek? I can't remember the last time I've talked to him. Sure I can tell him his daughter is here. He'll want to know where she has been, and if she's okay. How can I answer those questions, when I hardly know the answers to them myself?

"She's here Derek," I whisper when he answers the phone.

"She's there?" Derek repeats. "Is she okay? Where has she been?"

"I don't think she's okay. I don't know where she's been."

"It's been two years. Did you tell her about the divorce?"

"Yeah," I take a breath. "She met Kevin the guy I'm dating."

"How'd she handle that?" Derek smirks.

"Not good."

"I'll be on the next flight out."

"Let me take her home Derek," I urge. "We'll leave tomorrow."

"Addie—" Derek begins. "I haven't seen her in two years. She's my daughter."

"I know Derek. She just….she just thinks she was an inconvenience for us. I don't want to push things on her. There's still so much she doesn't know."

Derek breathes. "Is that why she ran away?"

"That's what she said, I can't get much else out of her."

"It sounds like her," Derek attempts to lighten the situation.

Silence lingers for awhile, both of us lost in our own thoughts.

"You have to tell her then," I finally speak up. "You'll have to tell her your living with Meredith. She isn't going to like it."

"I know," he agrees. "She isn't going to like it."

"She might not want to stay if she knows your living with Meredith."

"You must really want her there then," he tries to emphasize. He tries to be civil. It's something the two of us both find extremely hard to do sometimes.

"Julia may not genetically be my kid, but I love her Derek. I understand you're her father. I understand you have custody of her. We're not married any more. I just don't want her to go back to Seattle and I never see her again. I don't you to keep her from seeing me. I want to be part of her life."

"Come back to Seattle Addie," he urges me. Except there is nothing left for me in Seattle anymore. "Things are different now. I want you to be part of Julia's life. I would never take that away from you or her."

"I'll bring Julia home help her get settled but I'm not staying. There's nothing for me there anymore. I'm in a good place. I have friends here. I have a boyfriend. I run a practice."

"What are we going to do then?" Derek asks. We're both back to where we were at the beginning of the phone call.

"We'll talk to Mini D, see what she wants. You're her father. Either way, she should be with you. I don't want to risk her running again either, if that's what she doesn't want."

"We'll both talk to her when you get here tomorrow," Derek finalizes.

"What about Amelia?" I whisper quietly. "What are we going to tell her?"

"Nothing," Derek protects his sister. She's not ready to know Julia's back. If she knew, she'd be on the next flight home. "Nothing. We tell her nothing about my daughter being home."

"We can't keep lying to Julia though, when she asks were Amelia is."

"We'll tell her eventually," Derek cuts me off. We both know Julia's not ready to know Amelia relapsed. "For now, we will tell her that she's in Africa, doing Doctors With Out Boarders and there is no way to contact her."

"I don't feel comfortable lying to her," I insist.

"We're not lying to her, we're protecting her. We're protecting them."

I can only hope he is right.


	3. Secrets and Lies

**Hi all, here's chapter two. If any of you have suggestions about what you want to happen with this sequel, please let me know, because I haven't been liking my ideas lately. I also haven't been liking my writing, which is why I didn't want to post the chapter sooner.**

 **On a personal side note, I'm finishing up my last semester of social work...so things are pretty crazy. On top of being a full time student, I am also working three part time jobs.**

 **Thanks for sticking with me and following both stories.**

 **\- J**

* * *

 **Chapter Two**

When we go without certain things long enough, it's easy to forget just how much we need them.

We forget what we had once.

We forget what it's like to live with a thing, not that we need, but that we want.

That's why it's so important for us to remind ourselves, for us to remember,

just because we can live without something, it doesn't mean we have to.

\- Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy

 **The Bronx, New York, New York, Two months ago**

Julia's POV

 _All I waited for  
Was a chance to make you understand  
And tell you these forgotten truths you never thought were real  
And if the world should turn its back, you know that I'm still here_

The yelling echoes throughout our small two-bedroom apartment. Mike's voice booms. Ainslie's voice screams. Hidden inside our closet, Ryleigh's body is indented into mine. Her arms wrap around me. My fingers run across her scalp. Bulky headphones cover her ears. Music leaks out of them.

"I can still hear them," Ryleigh whispers. "They're hurting my ears."

Glass smashes.

"I didn't sleep with him, for the last time Mike. I swear to God I didn't sleep with him!" Ainslie's yells full the apartment.

"Don't give me that crap Ainslie!" Mike's words follow hers.

"I love you Mike! I've always loved you. I would never cheat on you. Never!"

"You've been gone for five fucking days. You come back high as a kite, all that money we made last week is gone. And you left me to look after your fucking kids."

Ainslie and Mike, they argue all the time. Everyday. It's about everything. Money. Drugs. Cheating. Ryleigh and me. The business.

"I'm sorry," Ainslie cries. "I made a mistake. I won't go away again. I wanna see my babies. I wanna see my girls."

Mike sighs. "That money you spent, your daughter is going to have to make more." By daughter, he's referring to me. By making more money, he's referring to prostitution.

"She will," Ainslie's voice is lower now. "I wanna see my girls."

A second later our bedroom door opens. Ainslie appears. Redness circles around her left eye.

"Momma!" Ryleigh unlashes her self from me and onto Ainslie. "I've missed you so much Momma!"

"My sweet, sweet girl." Ainslie smuggles Ryleigh with kisses. Laughter fills the air.

My eyes look away. Jealously forms.

"I brought presents." She pulls a Teddy bear from behind her back. Ryleigh grabs it from her.

Ainslie hands me a new pack of cigarettes and a baggy of drugs. I look away pissed.

"Oh baby, don't give me that. I'm allowed to have a little vacation aren't I?"

"Vacations are planed," I inform her. "People don't just disappear and leave their responsibilities for days at a time."

"I know I haven't been around much, but that's going to change." It's what she says every time she reemerges.

"That's what you say every time."

"I mean it this time." She kisses Ryeligh's forehead. "Take the cigarettes. Take the drugs."

I grab the plastic baggy and cigarette box from her hands. "How much money did you take from the safe?"

"Nothing. I didn't take money from the safe," Ainslie lies.

"Well Mike was saying that you did. He said you took the money I earned."

"Look," Ryleigh tries to get Ainslie's attention by crossing her arms over each other and flaps her hands. "A butterfly."

"And your going to believe that man baby?" Ainslie ignores her. "All he does is sit on his ass all day, drink beer, do drugs, and smoke cigarettes. He earns his money by pimping out girls. I'm your mother. I'd never lie to you."

"It's all you do all day too," I interject. "And those girls Ainslie, one of them anyway, is me, your daughter. Do you think I enjoy numerous guys sticking their dicks inside of me?"

"Let me tell you something sweetie," Ainslie begins harshly. "If you want to live here, if you want to be part of the family, you are old enough to pitch in, help pay the bills around here and I ain't supporting your drug habit when I got my own. Mike, he's nice enough to put a roof over your head, if I were you I'd stop running that little trap of yours about my boyfriend and the father of your sister."

 _If I were you._. _I'd step up and be a better mother to my sister_. My thoughts circle within my head. Words, they don't come out. There's a line you don't want to cross because you are afraid of what would happen if you do.

* * *

 **Present Day Los Angeles, California**

Addison's POV

 _Time won't ever steal my soul  
We're not broken, so please come home_

"So you moved to LA, Derek's living with Meredith, what else did I miss?" Julia asks. Her arm sticks out the window of my white Toyota Matrix.

Julia insisted on driving to Seattle. She refused to step foot on an airplane. Somehow, I gave in.

"A lot can happen in two years," I tell her.

"You are avoiding the question Addie."

I sigh heavily. "It was hard on all of us when you left. Derek and I got divorced, I moved to LA, he started dating Meredith, Mark's still Mark, and Amelia's in Africa." Someone had to tell her eventually.

"Aunt Amelia's in Africa?"

"She went with Doctors Without Boarders."

"Aunt Amelia would never go to Africa," Julia acknowledges. "She'd never just leave."

"A lot changed after you left Julia."

"Yeah it looks that way," Julia presses her lips together. She pauses while she thinks. "You know I never meant to hurt any of you. Besides, I didn't think it would be a big deal if I left."

"You didn't think it would be _a big deal?_ " I repeat what the girl just said. When she left, we all went through hell. She probably went through hell too.

"Well you were so absorbed with winning that stupid Harper Avery Award that you were hardly home. And Derek, he didn't even want me once upon a time, so yeah Addison, I didn't think it would be a big deal. With me gone, it gave you one less thing to worry about." Her words sting, they sink into my skin.

"I'm not too impressed with my choices," I begin to apologize. "I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me. I'm sorry you were put in the middle of Derek's issues and mine. I admit I made some wrong decisions at the time. But you have to understand all we did was worry Julia. We called the police and we filed a missing person's report. Your father and Mark went to New York every other weekend to look for you. We were worried sick. It was a very big deal."  
Her eyes meet mine. There's so much hurt inside. There is so much pain. They hold untold stories. They leave me questioning.

"What happened while you were in New York?" I ask.

"A lot of stuff," Julia answers. "Bad stuff mostly. Living with Ainslie wasn't that good. She and Mike fought a lot. Their fighting, it was a lot worst then yours and Derek's."

"Oh Mini D…" I symphonize. "All this time…you lived with Ainslie?"

"For most of it."

"Are you alright? Did they ever hurt you? Where's Ainslie now? Why did you come back?" Questions spiral out. There is so many of them.

"I don't want to talk about it. Please don't make me," Julia begs. "I can't go through all of it again."

"You are going to have to talk to somebody."

"Some things are better left unsaid Addison."

"My father would tell me that all the time," I share with her. "We had to call him the Captain. He had an affair with literally every woman who worked in the household. He would tell my mother he'd be spending time with me, and I would have to wait outside the office while he was having sex with the 'secretary', then go out for ice-cream with him afterwards and pretend like nothing happened…"

"At least you weren't beaten." Julia shoots back at me. "At least he loved you. At least you had a family that cared for you. You hardly know me at all if you are comparing my life with yours."

Covering up my father's affairs was nothing compared to what Julia went through. However it is still something to me. It's something I still struggle with. "I'm not comparing our lives Mini D," I clarify. "And yes, maybe I do have a hard time understanding what you went through, because you never talk about it. What I'm trying to get at Mini D, is that secrets can tear families apart."

"Like how you didn't tell Derek you stayed with Mark while you were in New York?"

All the blame, it's back on me again. She's trying so hard to get me to back off, to get me to stop asking questions. With Julia, answers will come eventually. But right now, I just need something to work with. I need her to help me understand.

"That has nothing to do with this," I brush her comment off. "We've been so worried about you Julia. It's been two years. You haven't called, we haven't spoken and now you show up, out of the blue. Why now, after all this time? Did your mother do anything to hurt you?"

"Don't call her that!" Words spit out of Julia's mouth as she turns vividly towards me. "Don't ever call her that." There's so much pain in her voice. You can tell she's trying to hold back tears. "She's didn't want me. She never wanted me. She's not my mother Addison. Don't ever call her that. Please."

All that's left is to apologize. "I'm sorry Mini D," the apology slowly escapes my mouth. As it does, Mini D's bottom lip quivers. She turns her head away, thinking I won't notice. But I do, and my heart aches. My heart aches for her. My heart aches for us. My heart aches for our family.

* * *

Julia's POV

 _Morning comes, and life moves on  
And when it changed, you didn't know you belong  
And I'll still catch you when you fall through a past that steals your sleep  
And scroll these words upon your wall remind you to believe_

Home: a place of comfort, love, safety. Home, it's where the heart is. That's what they say anyway. Except, I don't know where my heart is. My heart, it's boarded up tight. Blocked from emotion, from hurt, from pain, from truth, from comfort, from safety, from love. Blocked from home.

The lobby in the Four Seasons is quite, almost too quiet. It's late. I don't know how late, we are greeted by a different doorman, Pat. Different posters plaster the elevator. My face covers one of the posters, with bold letters above it: MISSING.

"That can be taken down," Addison catches me staring at the poster. The paper crinkles in her hands as she places it in her purse.

Silence arises between us.

Once we get off the elevator, there's a different colored carpet that winds the connecting hallways. Addison knocks on the condo door. The condo, it is Mark's home now.

Addison knocks again, louder. "MARK! Open the damn door."

Mark's voice rises from inside. "Alright, alright, I'm coming for crying out loud." The door opens a crack. Mark's head pokes out. I hide behind Addison. Maybe coming here was a mistake. "Red?" He mumbles, rubbing his eyes. "It's 2:30 in the morning. What are you doing here?"

"I didn't feel like spending the night at Meredith's frat house. She didn't either," Addison steps to the side, causing me to become visible.

Mark's icy blue eyes widen. His mouth hangs open. "Mini D?" He breathes. "How?—What?" Questions emerge. "No." Mark suddenly shakes his head, grasping his surroundings as he comes back to reality. "NO." Offended. Vulgar. Insensitive. What the hell was his problem?

"We just drove over 16 hours. We're tired…and she just wants to sleep in her old bed," Addison attempts again.

"No," Mark shakes his head again, looking me dead in the eye. Never ending anger. His face is full of it. "You can't show up here after two years as if nothing ever happened. I live here now…no."

"Last time I checked Mark, Derek and I still own the condo." Addison taps her foot impatiently. Her arms cross over her chest.

"No Addie," Mark corrects her. "You don't own the condo, Derek does. It was part of your divorce agreement remember? You got the brownstone, the house in the Hamptons and Derek got the condo and the land. Derek is letting me live here now. So no."

It's easy to tell he's pissed. There are lines on his forehead. There is anger in his cheeks. He's upset with me. He's got every right to be.

"I get that your pissed," Addison sighs. "You have every right to be mad, please Mark, just for tonight. We're exhausted."

"Fine," he grumbles, unlocking the door and letting us both inside.

The condo, it looks the same, just a little messier. Beer cans scatter the coffee table. The garbage can in the kitchen is over flowing.

"Excuse the mess," Mark murmurs, kicking an empty pizza box aside. "I wasn't expecting visitors this late."

"Apparently Derek's living with Meredith and Aunt Amelia is in Africa," I announce strolling over to the kitchen. I search the freezer for ice cream. Rocky Road would be so good right now. Except there is none. I do find a container of chocolate Haagen Dazs ice cream.

"No," Mark grabs the container from my hands. "That's mine." He shoves the container back in the freezer. Thanks a lot Mark.

"What's your problem," I demand, reaching for it back.

"What's my problem Mini D?" Mark exclaims. "You left. That's the fucking problem. You ran away for two years and left all of us. Now you're back, pretending like nothing ever happened…but things happened while you where gone Mini D…things fucking changed and they're finally good now."

"Mark…she's just a teenager," Addison defends me. "Don't do this…not right now."

"Nobody's getting mad at her!" Mark continues. "Nobody's doing anything to make sure she doesn't leave again!"

"You're such a self centered jack ass," my worlds blow up at him. He doesn't understand what just happened to me. He doesn't understand how I came home one day and there was blood, so much blood. "You weren't the only one to go through shit. I went through shit too Mark. I went through shit too. So fuck off. Just fuck off."

Guilt arises as I storm off to my bedroom. Maybe, running away did more damage then good. It damaged them, and it damaged me.

* * *

Mark's POV

 _Time won't ever steal my soul  
We're not broken, so please come home  
And if the world has worn you down  
I'll be waiting, so please come home_

"What the hell was that?" Addison demands, while Mini D slams the door to her bedroom.

"I can't Addie," I start to explain. "We all went through hell when she left."

Correction, they all went through hell. When Mini D left, things were shit. Amy relapsed and went on a drug binge. Derek became so depressed that he stopped showing up for work. Addie, she decided she had enough and moved to LA.

Some days, Derek couldn't even bring himself to get out of bed and Amy, she'd be gone weeks at a time. She'd always come back, looking for money or looking for love. She'd bring home these missing person posters of Mini D, which Callie and I spent time plastering over the city. She'd hang them up on a wall in her bedroom; she'd plaster newspaper clips too.

Then, one day, I found a pregnancy test in the bathroom. There was this pink plus sign on it. Like everything else, Amy hid it, she never told me the truth, because there was a slight chance, that unborn baby could be mine too.

That was rock bottom for her. Things, they began to get better. She checked into rehab. Got clean, and took a job working with Doctors Without Boarders. She wasn't ready to face everything again.

Derek moved out of the condo and back into the trailer. He stated, that being in the condo was contributing to his depression. Derek gave the keys to me. He wanted someone to be there in case Mini D came home. Once settled in the trailer, instead of staying in bed all day, Derek began to spend countless hours on Backpage hoping to find Mini D's picture on the website. Hoping to get some idea where his daughter was.

He found her picture; she was in New York City. Derek hired a private investigator. Derek and I went to New York every other weekend to look for her. We'd plaster posters over the city, search alleyways, hospitals, even the morgue.

Eventually, Derek went back to work. He began dating Meredith, and even ended up moving in with her. Everyone's life somehow went on after Mini D left. Everyone's but mine. I was left to pick up the pieces. I was strong, because someone had to be.

They left me, to deal with all the shit, they couldn't deal with.

"Yes, we all dealt with things differently. When she left," Addison lowers her voice. "Things were hard. There's no question about it. But if you had stopped being so self-centered for once, maybe you'd realize the hell she went through was even worst. Why else would she just show up out of the blue, after being gone for two years?"

"Maybe because she needs money," I spit back harshly. "Or drugs, or money for drugs. She's an addict, just like her mother, and just like Amy." I can't go through it all again.

"Mark!" Addison exclaims, shocked. "What the fuck is your problem? She's a kid Mark. I get that she made some really bad decisions." She ignores my opinion. She ignores the drugs. She chooses to defend her stepdaughter. "Yeah, she fucked up. But that's the point. Teenagers make mistakes. Julia, she's only fifteen for crying out loud."

"She shouldn't have even runaway in the first place! None of this shit would have happened if you and Derek stood up and had been better parents." True emotions begin to show.

"When Julia showed up at the hospital the first time, Derek and I did the best we could to be her family," Addison's temper rises. "Until she met us, that girl has never had a stable home and went through a life time of complex trauma. I don't know who put a stick up your ass, but it is time to take it out. You have no idea what it's like to raise a child Mark!"

"Maybe I would if you had given me the chance too!"

"Now is not the time to talk about my abortion Mark," Addison's voice lowers. Her eyes fill with sadness. "Julia and I will stay at a hotel tonight and we will go to Meredith's in the morning. I don't want to fight, not with Julia around."

"I'll go. You stay," I huff. "Let Mini D sleep in her own bed it will be good for her."

Still enraged, red faced, I head towards my bedroom. I throw on a pair of jeans, a tee-shirt follows. I grab my wallet and car keys from the top of the dresser, reappearing at the doorway a few minutes later.

"You don't have to do this Mark," Addison conveniences me not to go.

But I have to do this. If I get close to Mini D again, I'm afraid she'll take off. I'm afraid everything will happen over again. Being strong or not, we all can't handle a replay of the last two years. We'll break. We will all break. Emotionally. Physically. Mentally.

* * *

Derek's POV

 _I won't let them break you down  
And I won't hear the empty sounds  
I'm hopelessly pretending that I know the answer  
Angel's light and neon fires that burn so cold through your desires  
And all you are is all I need to know_

"Hey," Addison greets me the next morning as she walks into the kitchen. "Something smells good in here."

"I'm making omelets." Bacon sizzles in the pan on the stove.

I've been here for a few hours already. I couldn't sleep last night. All I want to do is see my daughter. It's been two years. She's fifteen now. I've already missed so much of her life that I don't want to miss anymore of it. "How was the drive?"

After running into Mark at the hospital on the way here this morning, he mentioned they arrived pretty late. He also seemed pissed, almost too pissed when he told me Addie begged him to stay at the condo.

"Long. Very long." Addison yawns, helping herself to coffee before climbing up on a barstool.

"Why was Mark so pissed off?"

"He thinks Julia just came back for money because she using again, and oh," Addison suddenly adds. "He called us bad parents. He blames us."

"Maybe it was our faults," blame arises insistently. "We were horrible parents Addie. Within the first few days she came to live with us she caught both of us cheating on each other, and crashed your car. We send her back to foster care, and then she shows up in Seattle a couple months later with a second degree burn on her stomach that was infected due to the fact she didn't receive immediate medical care, because it turns out her foster parents were abusing her. Then—"

"Derek, her running away wasn't our faults," Addison interrupts me. "You need to stop blaming yourself. Julia has been through so much, her whole life. We tired our best. We all made mistakes. Neither of us were perfect parents. Julia made the decision to run away. We couldn't have stopped her even if we tried. You know she was using then. Her drug test was positive."

"Then do you think that's why she's back?" I ask, flipping the bacon over in the pan.

"I think there's something else. She told me some bad stuff happened in New York. She won't talk about it. She refuses too. She was living with Ainslie"

"How do we help her Addie?" Everything feels beleaguered with hurt, love, and so many other uncontrollable feelings.

I take the bacon out of the pan and place it on the cutting board.

"We're not enough. She says we are, she's manipulative in that way," Addison acknowledges. "Every single time we told her we wanted her to talk to someone, she said she just wanted to talk to us. We're not enough. She needs more then us. She needs some professional help Derek."

"She talks to Dr. Wyatt. She likes Dr. Wyatt. She's not going to rehab Addie. Mini D doesn't have to go to rehab."

"Just think about it Derek—" Addison begins. "It might be good for her."

I crack eggs into a bowel. "She just needs a fresh start. She'll be going to a new high school, she'll make new friends. We will sign her up to volunteer and put her in extra curricular activities. We'll drug test her every month, weekly if we have to. Mini D isn't going to rehab."

"We did the best we could…" Addison starts again. "And I'm not staying this time."

"I'll handle it." I ensure Addison. I pour the eggs into the frying pan. The toppings follow.

"I don't know if living with Meredith is a good idea. Mini D hates her. Have you really thought this through Derek?"

"We'll be fine."

"Meredith lives in a frat house. I don't think that's the best environment for Julia to be in. It even failed the home inspection."

"Things are different this time." I argue back. "Meredith and I, we are pretty serious. I don't want to have to pick sides. I don't want to pick between her and my daughter."

"That might happen," Addison acknowledges. "Especially since you are living with her."

"I'm just going to hope it doesn't," I say as footsteps bounce off the floor boards.

My daughter emerges from her bedroom. Our matching eyes meet. Hers are so cold. They're hollow inside. She looks older, then again she's fifteen now. Her hair is shorter, self-cut, straight, and dyed black. Her roots show through. Black leggings and a sweater cover up the bones that show through under her skin.

"I can't believe I used to wear this," she says gesturing towards the grey knitted sweater, with a large white heart on the front of it. "Nothing else fit right."

"I'm pretty sure that was one Amy got you while you were in Maine," Addison informs her.

"It's ugly," Julia complains walking towards the kitchen and helping herself to the last of the omelet.

"I can take you shopping later today if you want," Addison chimes in.

"Can I just have some money?" Julia declines. "I'll go with Meg."

"We thought maybe you could uh…make some new friends this year," I begin. Julia's friends were not the best influences. Meg was one of the better ones, but she hung out with the others as well. And then there was Luke. Do not get me started on Luke. "You are planning on sticking around for a while right?"

"I don't have anywhere else to be," she shrugs. "What do you have against my friends?

I knew that was going to upset her. "I just thought maybe after everything, you could use a fresh start."

"You mean, with people that don't do drugs."

"That's not what your father was saying," Addison tries to stop another fight.

"That's exactly what he was trying to say Addie," she spits back. "Besides I thought you guys liked Meg."

"It's not that we don't like Meg," I begin again, words struggling to come. "Your friends weren't the best influences. We all have been through so much the last few years that a fresh start would be good for all of us."

"Weren't the best influences?" Mini D repeats. "You do know I've been using drugs since I was a kid right?"

It's something I don't know a lot about. Mini D has never really opened up about it. She sometimes talks about how she used to call drugs grownup candy.

"That makes Frank, Ainslie, Jet and Aunt Amelia all really bad influences too right? They all gave me drugs." I recognize Frank, Ainslie, and Amy, but who the hell is Jet?

"Are you using Julia?" Addison speaks words that were frozen inside my mouth. Her voice is stern. Serious. Humorless.

"Of course not." Her answer comes out quickly, too quickly. Instantly I know it is a lie. She's forgetting we've been through this before with Amy.

"Don't lie."

"I'm telling the truth Addison."

"Are you?" My question dives into the argument.

"I wouldn't lie to you…"

"That's bullshit Mini D and you know it…"

"I didn't come back to get fucking interrogated. I'm not using drugs so fuck off."

"Don't talk to your father like that." Words spiral from Addison's direction.

"Don't tell me what to do." Words counteract Addison's.

"Excuse me?"

"You're not my parent."

Addison's body freezes.

"That's enough Julia!" My voice rises. "You cannot run your mouth like that. Even though Addison and I are divorced, she is still very much going to be a part of you life, and you are going to respect her. I never want to hear those words come out of your mouth again. Do you understand?"

Julia stares. "You can't keep me from seeing my friends."

"I said," I raise my voice again. "Do you understand?"

Julia continues to stare. Addison's emeralds echo in the silence.

"This is what's going to happen, if you want to see your friends, and if you want us to gain your trust. We're going to go to see Dr. Wyatt, at least once before Addison leaves. You are going to take a drug test. We are going to enroll you in school, in which you will go to everyday. After Addison leaves, you will continue to see Dr. Wyatt—"

"That's ridiculous," Mini D cuts me off. "I'm not using drugs. I don't see why I have to take a drug test to prove it."

"You're going to take the test," Addison steps in. "To show us we can trust you."

"You know I can walk out that door any minute right?" Mini D threatens.

"Something tells me you aren't going to," I say, trying to keep my calm. I don't think Addison and I can handle losing her a third time.

"Ainslie trusted me. Ainslie let me do whatever the hell I wanted too."

"Do either of us look like Ainslie?" I snarl at my daughter.

"No—"

"We just want you to make the right choices," Addison's voice is softer then mine.

"Neither of you know what's right for me."

"This isn't a free for all," I argue with her, ignoring her last statement. "If you are living here, there are going to be rules. We don't want you seeing your friends and we don't want you using drugs."

"This is all bullshit!" She stomps her foot vividly. She swings head body around headed for her bedroom. "If I can't hang out with my friends here, then I want to live with Addison." Mini D's bedroom door slams shut.

Addison and I, our eyes connect; pools of blue, pools of emeralds. We're both lost. So lost. This journey is not going to be easy. We're all going to have to learn to love again.


	4. Dysfunctional

Chapter Three:

Dysfunctional

They found this guy in Maine who had been living completely alone in the woods for 30 years, they called him the last true hermit. 30 years without the warmth of human touch, without conversation. The hermit felt more lonely when he was out in the world than he ever felt in the woods by himself. Surrounded by people but drowning in solitude.

\- Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy

The Bronx, New York, New York – 2 and a half months ago

Ainslie's been gone for days. Weeks even. Mike is pissed. So pissed. I've never seen him this mad before. He takes it out on Ryleigh and me. It's nothing new. He calls us names. Attacks us with objects. Makes me work for days on end. Client after client. High after high. Night after night. I try to protect Ryleigh, keep her safe. I hide her in the laundry basket when things get really bad. Head phones go over her ears and dirty clothes go over her body.

Sometimes things are so bad that I can't even keep myself safe. He yells when I don't bring home enough money. He hits me. He throws me against the wall. _Fucking slut_. _Good for nothing bitch_. _Make me some more money cunt_.

Sometimes he won't let me inside until he's satisfied, with the money I made, with the amount of men I slept with.

Sometimes even that won't please him. The amount of money I make, the drugs I bring back, it is never good enough. Sometimes, the only way to survive is to please him in other ways. Unspeakable ways. And even though those are the times I dread the most, for a while the hitting, the yelling, the name calling, it all stops. And for a while, Ryleigh and I, we get to be free.

During these days, I keep her out of the apartment. We explore New York. We ride the ferryboat, over and over again, until the sunsets, until the day ends, until reality hits again. Today, I decided to take Ryleigh to Manhattan. We sit on the bench in the Westside of Central Park. Derek and Addison's townhouse stares back at us. It's lifeless inside.

"When I grow up," Ryleigh says liking her ice cream cone. "I wanna live here. I wanna live in a big house. With all the ice cream you can eat."

"I think you might get a belly ache," I laugh.

"When Mommy gets back she can live in the house too. Not Mike. He scares me."

"He scares me too. Not all Daddy's are scary though. My Daddy isn't scary." _Sometimes, I miss my Daddy more then anything._

"That's cause your Daddy is a doctor and he helps people." Bubble gum ice cream covers Ryleigh's mouth. It drizzles down her chin. "He can live with us in our big house too."

A perfect Mommy, a perfect Daddy. It's what's all kids dream of, isn't it? I had that once, back in Seattle.

"Hey Ryleigh," I say, still eyeing Derek and Addison's townhouse. "We could go inside a big house. We could live there, just for today. How does that sound?"

"Yeah!" Ryleigh excitedly jumps up off the park bench. "Which house are we gonna live in?"

"That one," I point towards the townhouse, without hesitation. "It's my Daddy's house."

"You're Daddy lives there?" Ryleigh's eyes widen. "Let's go. Come on. Come on." Ryleigh grabs my hand. My body pulls it's self upward. We head across the street, to Derek and Addison's townhouse.

I glance around it, trying to figure out a way to get inside. I grab a rock from the front garden, throw it against the basement window, and then move the board in front of the window.

"Why are we going in the door?" Ryleigh looks up at the walkway, towards the doorway.

"He's not living there now," I explain. "He's gone away for a little bit. So we have to get in this way. Stay right there okay?"

I crawl through the window, it's a bit of a jump before I land on the concrete floor. From inside the Brownstone, only Ryleigh's legs remain visible, and her beloved stuffed rabbit which she holds in one hand.

"You're going to have to crawl inside, okay baby? I'll catch you when you jump."

Ryleigh hesitates before she squiggles herself through the little window, falling into my arms. As we make our way upstairs, the alarm begins to go off. Ryleigh's hands cover her ears. I drag her the rest of the way up the stairs, hurrying into the main Foyer, turning the alarm off.

I then turn back around to Ryleigh who stands in the middle of the Foyer flabbergasted.

"Well," I announce. "Who wants to play hide and go sneak?"

She laughs and runs to go hide. Minutes later, I find her buried inside Derek and Addison's walk in closet. Memories form and sadness emerges. I brush it away so Ryleigh doesn't see.

"Found you!" I collide on the floor beside her. Derek's clothes surround us. Ryleigh lets out a scream of excitement, beginning to run. My hands reach out around her waist, pulling her on top of me. Laughter fills the room as I smuggle her with tickles.

"I like it here," Ryleigh's brown eyes gleam. "I wanna live here forever and ever."

"I wanna live here forever and ever too," I hold Ryleigh close. But would Derek want me back, knowing all the bad things I've done? Knowing all the men I've slept with? Knowing all the drugs I've taken, and the nights I barely remember? How could someone else want me, when I don't even want myself?

* * *

Derek's POV

 _Pick it up, pick it all up._  
 _And start again._  
 _You've got a second chance,_  
 _you could go home._  
 _Escape it all._  
 _It's just irrelevant._

 _It's just medicine._  
 _It's just medicine._

There's so much she's not telling us and I'm dying to know.

I'm dying to know what happened in New York. I'm dying to know where she was for two years. I'm dying to know her secrets and the stories she refuses to tell.

The thing is, her secrets, her untold stories, scare her. They terrify her. They're vivid reminders of the trauma she endured. She keeps the memories trapped so she can't remember. But sometimes, they're too much to bear, so she turns to the only thing she believes that can help her forget.

"I want the three of you to start the session by playing a game," Dr. Wyatt informs us.

"A game?" My daughter huffs from the chair beside me, rolling her eyes. "What good is that going to do?"

"It will help me get to know you better, get an idea on your struggles as a family and where you would like to be."

"They aren't my family," Julia spits back at her. "I'm not playing this."

"Mini D," I let out a frustrating sigh.

Her, Addison and I are at a family therapy session. Julia of course refused to come. Addison and I were at a crossroads, so we had no choice but to bribe her, telling her she could have Meg over to the house if she came to family therapy.

"Addison why don't you start?" Dr. Wyatt ignores my daughters previous comment. "Just pick a card from the top of the deck and on the back of the card it will have a question that I want you to answer."

"Explain the one thing your family argues over the most," Addison reads off the card she picked.

Silence builds in the office as Addison takes a minute to think about answer. Possible answers run through my mind as she waits.

My daughter. Drugs. Our divorce. Mark. Meredith.

"We are over a lot of things," Addison finally answers. "One of the biggest things we argue about is consequences. Derek and I have difficulty setting them and keeping them. Julia can be very manipulative at times."

"This is stupid," Julia murmurs.

"How do you think the three of you can change this?" Dr. Wyatt asks.

"Maybe set the consequences together, the three of us. Figure out something reasonable for the consequence, and stick with it."

Addison's eyes drift over to me for approval. I nod in agreement.

"Derek why don't you go next?" Dr. Wyatt hands the deck of cards over to me.

Taking one off the top, I read it out loud. "What brought you here today?" There's silence again while I think of my answer this time.

"We've all been through a lot the last couple of year. When Mini D left it was hard on both of us, and our friends. We're all still pretty hostile towards each other. We're all trying to deal with the changes that happened. Addison and I are worried Mini D is using drugs. My sister found out Julia was using right before she ran away—and in New York, she went through some things too. But Julia refuses to talk to us about what happened. She refuses to talk to us about anything."

"That's not true!" Julia breathes, her body almost jumping out of her chair.

"You don't agree with this Julia?" Dr. Wyatt questions her.

"I just think this is all bullshit. We're so broken, we aren't a family and no amount of therapy is going to help us be a family."

"How do you know this if you don't try?" Dr. Wyatt counters back.

"They're divorced, and Addison doesn't even live here. There is a waste of time," she jumps up fully from her chair. Instantly, I know she's going to run. "I'm not sitting here wasting my time when this isn't going to work."

"Do you want this to work?" Dr. Wyatt stares Julia right in the eye. "Because if you want this family to work, you are going to have to try to. It takes effort from everyone."

"This is bullshit," Julia spits one last time before rushing to the door. It slams and she disappears.

"Damn it," I whisper under my breath. I stand up to go after her.

"Wait," Dr. Wyatt stops me. "Take a seat Derek. She's angry. Nothings going to change that."

"I don't want to lose her again," I admit. "Last time she ran; she ran away to New York."

"Something tells me that's not going to happen."

"You don't know my daughter," I shoot back.

"She came back didn't she? She came home all by herself. That says something Dr. Shepherd. Your daughter wants to be here. She wants things to work."

"I just wish there was more we could do for her," Addison lets out a heavy sigh.

"Your doing more then enough by being here for her right now. Your relationship with her is going to take time," Dr. Wyatt shares. " A lot of things changed in the past two years. You just can't erase everything that has happened. Just like you can't erase everything that went on in your lives before Julia showed up."

"She's this mixture," Addison continues. "Between this loveable child and hideous monster. There's no middle ground with her. Just extreme high's and extreme low's."

"I'm sure the two of you have heard of attachment disorder, correct?" Addison and I both nod. "Julia went through so much complex trauma while she was in foster care. The majority of youth in foster care often display signs of attachment disorders. They'll test you. They'll do anything to try and break you, to make you leave. Try and see things from her side, nearly everyone she loved has doubted her and she's been hurt countless times. She comes home to the place she feels the safest, and finds out things have completely changed. So on top of what she is dealing with personally, she has these new changes to deal with as well. All the stimulation, it's hard for her to cope."

"How do we help her cope?" I question. "How to we build that attachment with her?"

"Your doing that now," Dr. Wyatt smiles at Addison and I. "You're showing her that you care and that you aren't going any where. When she lashes out, don't take it personality. It's her coping mechanism. When you have the chance, sit down with Julia and make a list of things she enjoys doing, and people she enjoys spending time with, show her there are other ways to cope, to deal with things."

"That seems doable," I agree.

"At your next session, I want to see the list. I also want the two of you to make of list of the positive moments over the next few days, they don't have to be big things. By making a list, it's going to help see the progress the three of you are making, and hopefully show Julia that family therapy does work. Why don't we end things here for today, and you can book another appointment on the way out for next week."

"Thank you," I say, as Addison also sends Dr. Wyatt a small smile. "We'll see you next week."

* * *

Julia's POV

 _You could still be,_  
 _what you want to,_  
 _What you said you were,_  
 _when I met you._

"Everyone's going to be so excited to see you!" Meg announces, as we walk down Aurora Ave.

It's evening now, and it's been a few hours since I ran from family therapy. Shrinks and I don't get along. We never have. Ever since I was little, they would ask questions, trying to pry secrets out of me. I wouldn't answer half the questions they asked, and if they did, the answer was one they didn't want to hear. After running from therapy, I went to Meg's house, and we're on our to a party.

The party is at in some abandoned building on Aurora Ave. Music blasts as we climb up the front steps. Red plastic cups, brown glass beer bottles, and garbage scatter the front lawn. Broken glass shatters the ground. Weed, and cigarette smoke fills my nose.

Bodies are every where. Dancing. Standing. Sitting. Drinking.

Drugs are everywhere too.

Meg hands me the bottle of vodka she stole from her parent's liquor cabinet. I take a large gulp before handing it back.

"I need something stronger," My hand searches through my bag for my Oxycodone.

"This isn't strong enough?" Meg makes a face, after taking another sip.

I pull out the plastic baggy, with one pill left inside.

"Come on!" Meg starts towards the crowd of dancing bodies. "Let's dance." She grabs my hand, which I pull back.

"After I take this."

"If my Mom catches me high, I'm toast and can say goodbye to spring break in Mexico. I'll see you inside."

Meg within seconds, she's disappeared into the crowd.

I place the pill on a near by window ledge, and grab a rock from the ground, smashing it so powder forms, then inhaling the powder through my nose. An instant high emerges. And before I know I, I've disappeared too, into the crowd of bodies, loud music and flickering lights.

Lights flash all around me. They're bright. They're beautiful. My eye stay closed. My body sways to the beat, to the thumping of the music. Images appear. Unrealistic ones. Memories of blood and corpses. Then there's the sounds of horrifying screams. Then there's Mike.

 _What the fuck did you do?_

Blood is everywhere. On my hands. On my clothes. Arms grab a hold of me.

 _You did this didn't you?_ Infinity has never felt so long.

 _You fucking killed her. You fucking killed them._

Shame. Guilt. Truth. Lies. All jumbled together. _I didn't kill them!_ Nobody hears. Nobody cares.

 _You fucking killed them. You fucking killed them._

Blurry vision. Fading colorings. Distant voices. I squeeze through the bodies. I try to get out. His face appears. Hands reach towards me. His face appears. It doesn't go away. It never goes away.

"I've been looking for you everywhere!" Meg yells through the music. "Are you okay?"

Circles spin around me. They pull me in. His face appears. It's everywhere.

"Julia!" Her hands shake me. I squeeze through the bodies. I try to get out.

Giggles. Little giggles. _I'm over here. I'm over here sissy._

A breeze of wind welcomes me outside. I trip over the steps, face planting in the grass. Her face appears. His is nowhere. She skips ahead in the distance. I push myself up off the grass and start running after her.

Speeding vehicles. Nosy trucks. We cross the highway. Horns blare.

 _I wanna go home, sissy. Take me home_. More giggles. City street signs are passed. Crosswalks are crossed. Sidewalks are walked on.

 _Come on. Come on._

My feet move faster. My heart pumps louder. My mind continues to trip. I'm on the Cotton train. Highs and Lows. Ups and Downs.

 _We're here_. Giggles fill my ears again. Everything stands still. _We're home._ The Four Seasons. The condo. She brought me home.

The door's locked. Damnit. They'll be a lecture. They'll be yelling. Then the questions will arise and the high will die. The worst part is knowing I have let them down again. Letting people down, is the only thing I'm good at. Tearing them up, then taking their hearts out, and leaving them with pain. Everlasting pain.

* * *

Mark's POV

 _You've got a warm heart,_  
 _you've got a beautiful brain._  
 _But it's disintegrating,_  
 _from all the medicine._  
 _from all the medicine._  
 _from all the medicine._  
 _Medicine._

A buzzing noise awakens me, following by a pounding headache. It echos through my ears, into my head. Letting out a frustrating groan, I reach my hand over to the nightstand, trying to grasp a hold of my phone.

Missed calls appear. A lot of them. From Derek. From Addison. Text messages follow.

I've been avoiding them. I've been staying out at the trailer, drowning my sorrows with alcohol.

It looks like their kid has done it again. She has gone of the deep end, creating hell for everyone around her.

I call Addison back. "What's it this time?" I ask, sitting up, rubbing my head.

"She ran, after therapy a social worker is coming a bit."

"You did what?" The social worker, if she comes, she'll take Mini D away.

"A social worker is coming in a bit, to help us work things out." Addison repeats herself again.

"Do you realize what you just did!" I yell angrily into the phone. "They're going to take her away. They're going to see you can't handle her, and they're going to take her."

"We should have called them when she got here Mark. The court gave Derek custody of her until but he didn't follow through on the plan that was created to show he could maintain custody of her."

"We can't go through this all again. Derek has custody." My voice is softer now. I attempt to keep things together.

"That's exactly the point Mark. Derek has custody, he gets to decide what to do. We need help. Therapy is just not going to work. We need to figure out a plan that is."

"Then we do it without dealing with social services," I argue back. "Mini D is never going to forgive you for this." Honestly, if Mini D gets taken away, I'll never forgive them either.

"Stop avoiding us. I get that your hurting Mark. We are all hurting. Come back to the condo we'll talk to the social worker together when she gets here."

"I'm not going back to the condo Addison. I just need a break."

"Mark…Julia-" Addison begins.

"Somehow I held everything together when she left. I dealt with all the crap you and Derek couldn't. Now I need a break. Now it's my turn to have a break."

"We need help Mark," Addison says again.

"Put her in rehab Addie. Call Amelia. Amy will help."

"Amelia can't know," Addison breathes. They're scared if Amy comes home, she'll relapse again. I understand they're worried. It's been over a year since Amy got sober.

"It's been over a year Addie, Amelia is fine. She can handle it."

"Even if she can, Julia might not be able to. Things are fucked up as it is."

"It might be good for her," I argue back. "She talks to Amy, unlike the rest of us."

"If you call Amelia Mark, the social worker, she's still coming over. We're still going through with it." I know there's no convincing her otherwise. I don't think I can go through this all again. Everything's a mess, and Amelia, she's the only one who can fix it.

"Mark?" Amy answers, after I hung up the phone with Addison. Her voice hisses back again, through the echoing static.

Someone's got to call her sooner or later. Amelia, she always knows how to fix things.

"Is everything alright?" She again questions after I don't respond.

"You need to come home," I whisper. "Everything is a mess, and you need to come home."


	5. Deja vu

**Hi all,**

First, you might have been wondering what's going on etc...so quick update:

I'm not stopping this story, no matter how long I go without updating it. The last few months for me have been pretty hectic. I was in a really bad car accident and about a week later, I graduated university for the second time. Then, a month, after all that, I picked up and moved pretty far away from where I was living. I'm still writing and I'm almost done the next chapter, with lots of ideas where I want to take this story.

Also, I want to clearly some questions, season timing etc. This story is set kind of around Season 4 and Season 5 of Grey's and Season 2 of Private Practice. For some things, I follow the season timelines and for other's I don't.

In case you haven't picked up on it, Derek and Meredith are currently dating...however I am a die hard Adderk fan...so fingers crossed I'll have them paired together in the end.

Julia ran away between Season 3 and 4 I guess if we are following a timeline. She didn't live with Ainslie for the whole two years, just 1 and a half years.

This story, I really want to focus further on Julia's character development, mental health, and her relationships etc.

And lastly, thanks for all the reviews, and suggestions and ideas. I can't wait to continue writing this story!

* * *

 **Chapter Four**

 **Deja vu**

It's a little bit horrifying just how quickly everything can fall to crap.

Sometimes, it takes a huge loss to remind you of what you care about the most.

Sometimes, you find yourself becoming stronger as a result.

Wiser, better equipped to deal with the next disaster that comes along.

Sometimes... but not always

\- Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy

 **St. Barnabas Hospital**

 **The Bronx, New York, New York**

 **Around three weeks ago**

Bodies move around me. Nurses. Doctors. Residents. Interns. Patients. Family members. They move at full speed when each new trauma comes in. It's a scene I know all to well.

My life was once centered around the hospital. Seattle Grace. My parents were doctors. Surgeons. They saved lives. They lived for the rush of the OR and the high each new trauma gave them. They loved that high so much that sometimes, they chose it over me.

Despite being surrounded by trauma. Despite all the bad stuff that happened, to them, Seattle Grace Hospital was home. And for 6 months, it was my home too. My life consisted of ferry boats, scrub caps, the condo and the trailer on Bainbridge Island.

The difference between St. Barnabas hospital and Seattle Grace hospital is that there are no ferry boats, the scrub caps sit on unfamiliar heads. The condo and the trailer are non-existent; you are just surrounded by apartment buildings, townhouses, and brownstones.

At Seattle Grace hospital, your dad and stepmom would drop everything to be there with you when something bad happened…and if something bad happened and you were brought to the hospital, you were never alone because you were surrounded by your parent's friends, you were surrounded by your parent's colleagues. They knew your name. They kept you safe.

"Miss," circles spin around me. Everything is moving on the inside, but on the outside I'm motionless. Time has stopped. Everything is frozen. "The doctors are taking your mother into surgery. Is there anyone we can call?"

 _Derek. Addison. My Aunt Amelia._ "No." My cell phone buzzes inside my pocket. _Where'd they take Ryleigh?_ "Where's Ryleigh?" My head spins around. "Where's my sister?"

"Miss, why don't you take a seat okay, while I figure things out. I'll find your sister okay?"

The nurse comes back two hours later. She tells me Ryleigh's bodies in the morgue. She tells me they phoned Ryleigh's father, Mike. It turns out he's' listed as Ainslie's next of kin too.

Mike eventually decides to show up. He yells. He screams. He curses. All his words are directed at me. "What the fuck did you do?What the fuck did you do?"

The minutes pass by. The yelling suddenly comes to a stop. A doctor appears. He shakes his head. "I'm sorry. We did all we could. Ms. Gambit lost a lot of blood, she died." I guess Ainsley's body is going to the morgue too.

"You killed her!" Mikes yells fill my ears once again. My eyes widen. "You fucking killed her. You fucking killed them." He charges at me. Except I don't move. I don't even blink. Doctors. Nurses. They hold him down. "You murdered them. You're a fucking murder."

 _I'm Doctor Addison Montgomery._ Addison voice emerges. Dr. Montgomery. My eyes dance around the hospital for her, I'm ready to bolt into her arms. Her body appears on a television screen.

"Fucking cunt. Get off me," Mike goes at me again. Spit lands on my face. "She murdered my wife! She murdered my daughter!"

 _I specialize in Obstetrics and Gynecology and also offer Genetic Counselling_. Emerald eyes. Red hair. She's there. She's so close. My Dr. Montgomery. She'll know what to do, she'll know how to make everything better. Now the only thing left to do is find her because clearly, she isn't at Seattle Grace anymore.

* * *

 **Julia's POV**

 _Sleep don't visit, so I choke on sun, and the days blur into one  
And the backs of my eyes hum with things I've never done_

 _Sheets are swaying from an old clothesline_  
 _Like a row of captured ghosts over old dead grass_  
 _Was never much, but we've made the most_  
 _Welcome home_

"Shit," feet trip over me. A female voice awakens me. High heels hit the ground.

Rubbing my eyes, I sit up, welcoming a pounding headache. Vomit is inches away from spiralling out.

"You should really be more careful where you decide to sleep, I just broke my darn heal."

With vomit inside my mouth, no time to respond, I reach for the condo door, falling over as I do into the condo. Eyes glare down at me, as I quickly get up, rushing to the bathroom.

"Where have you been?" Addison's voice greets me, while I vomit into the toilet. "We've been up all night worried sick."

I wipe my mouth, flush the toilet and struggle to get up on my feet.

"At Meg's." It's somewhat of the truth.

"After Meg's." Addison demands to know.

But does she? Does she want to know that we went to a party in an abandoned apartment building? Does she want to know that after I snorted some Cotton, I had a bad trip? Does she really want to know the truth?

My head pounds. My heat beats. My mouth is like a desert. I ignore her, going out into the kitchen to get some water. Addison of course follows me.

The women from the hallway still stands in the doorway. Derek stands with her. An awkward silence lingers.

"This is Lauren," Derek introduces her. His eyes look cross. It's not rocket science to tell he's mad. They're both mad. "She's a social worker from social services."

Did he just say social worker? From social services? A crashing sound. My glass of water smashes to the floor.

When you grow up in foster care, when you are bounced around from home to home you don't have time to build attachments, to develop connections. You're always waiting for that call. You're always waiting for the knock on the door. When that does happen, a social worker comes. She takes you away. She gives you a new home.

When your raised in foster care, you learn life's not filled with sunshine, lollipops and rainbows. There are no fairy tales and happy endings. It's just home after home. Family after family.

Even on that rare occasion when you do attach, when you do connect, when you finally find a family you like. Something always happens. The social worker comes. She takes you away. And she gives you a new home.

Standing flabbergasted in the kitchen, I watch Derek lead Lauren over to the living room.

"Do you want some tea or coffee?" Addison offers. Lauren declines and after she does, Addison sits down beside Derek.

They wait for me to join them. My feet stay glued to the floor. My body stays frozen.

"Julia why don't you come join us," Lauren gestures from the sofa.

Slowly, catching my breath, I make my way over to the living room. Words finally make their way out of my mouth, "Are you sending me back?" _I'll try harder Daddy_.

Nobody speaks.

"Well are you?!" I demand.

"You're parents called me," Lauren begins to explain.

"Addison's not my mom," I snarl.

"Well either way, I'm glad the two of you called," Lauren continues. "I have a few things I need to discuss with you as well. From what I gather when we talked on the phone is that you are having a hard time managing your daughter's behaviour. Is this correct?"

Derek nods solemnly. It feels as if the two of them are turning on me. I bet things would have been different if Aunt Amelia was here. She wouldn't be letting this happen.

"I also want to clarify that you went from having temporary custody of Julia, to full custody after agreeing to follow a Family Service Plan. However, after only having Julia in your custody for 6 months, you failed to actively complete this plan." _It wasn't your fault Daddy_.

"Julia wasn't living here for the last couple of years," Derek clarifies. He tries to explain the messed up situation that I put everyone in. "It was out of mine and Addison's control."

"Where were you living over those two years Julia?" Lauren questions me.

I figure, staying quite is better then tangling the three of them up in a web of lies.

"Julia?" Lauren asks again.

"Julia was living with Ainslie, her mother in New York," Derek answers the question for me. "And I still don't understand exactly why, humor me for a second Mini D. Ainslie lost the ability to parent you when you were three, never once came to visit you, or tried to get you back. After everything she did to you…why did you decide to live with her?"

"You wouldn't understand," I whisper.

"Try me," Derek argues back.

"No!" Words jump out of my mouth.

"Despite all the horrible things Ainslie put her through, she's still her mother Derek," Addison projects. "She has every right to love her. She has every right to get to know her."

"Shut up!" I suddenly scream, eyes all turn towards me. "What do you know about motherhood Addison? You lost that chance when you aborted Mark's baby. I never loved Ainslie. I don't love Ainslie. I never will love Ainslie."

"Then why were you there Mini D? We don't understand." Addison tries to stay calm. Her emerald eyes are summoned with sadness. Hurt. Pain.

It should be easy to tell them I had a sister. I should be easy to say her name. But I can't. Death now goes along with it, and the bodies, and the blood.

"If your going to take me away," I turn to Lauren. "Why don't you just do it already?"

"Is that what you really want to do Julia?" Lauren asks me. "It's my job to see that this custody transition runs smoothly, and right now, it's not looking like that, is it?"

"I didn't call you because I wanted you to take my daughter," Derek growls. "I called because we needed help. My daughter was missing last night and we needed help."

"Your daughter was missing for two years, Dr. Shepherd." Lauren corrects him. "In two years' things have changed. We're going to have to have to reprocess this custody agreement and create a new service plan. Right now, I want to talk about where Julia will be living permanently and how we can make that happen. Derek why don't you start?"

"Julia was going to come live with Meredith and I…"

"And Meredith is?" Lauren looks up from her notes.

"Meredith is my girlfriend."

"So the two of you are not married anymore?" Lauren questions them again.

"Addison doesn't live her anymore," angry, hostile words spit out of my mouth. "She's not interested in being part of my life."

"That's not true Mini D, and you know it," Addison counteracts, she tries to defend herself.

"Where are you living?" Lauren's questions are now aimed at Addison.

"I'm living in Santa Monica at the moment. I own a private practice there."

"How long were you planning on staying here then?"

"Until Julia got settled."

"And the two of you are staying here?"

Lauren shakes her head. "Until you are approved by social services, Julia cannot be in your care for an extended period of time. You're going to have to get revaluated."

"I thought I did during the custody process. I couldn't get custody of Julia because Ainslie still had parental rights, but…"

"That was when you and Derek were married. You are going to have to get revaluated, and that's going to take some time, considering you are permanently living in another state."

Obviously, this isn't going good. Obviously, Addison is going to go back to California, back to pretending I don't exist.

"Meredith is going to have to be evaluated as well and we are going to have to get background checks done on whoever else is living in Meredith's house over the age of 18. Also, since you're living in a new home, we are going to have to complete another home inspection"

"What are you saying?" Derek buts in. _I think we all know what she's saying Daddy_.

"I'm saying," Lauren closes her notebook. "That for things to be processed, it is going to take some time. Until they do, and until we can create a stable home situation for Julia to be in, I think it is best if she comes with me."

"You mean take her back into care?" Derek voice raises. "No. She's not going" Usually it's me putting up a fight.

"If Julia comes with me," Lauren begins to explain. "You'll still have custody, that's not going to change. She'll just be in temporary care, until everything can be shorted out."

"Being in temporary foster care, is anything but stable," Addison argues.

"Putting the right supports in place, it can be." Lauren argues back. Clearly, she's done this multiple times, and I'm just another kid to add the the list.

"We can give her proper supports. We can get her the help she needs. She doesn't have to go back into foster care." It's surprising Derek's on my side. Then again, he went without me for two years. The thought of losing me again scares him shitless.

"I really think it will help the three of you build a better relationship," Lauren goes on. "It will allow us to get things going on the right track again." And maybe give me the family I've always wanted.

"I'm tired of bad things always happening," I breathe. "I just want them to stop."

"Are you afraid of more bad things happening to you Mini D because you live with me?" Derek realizes my reasoning; he understands my calmness. He knows I'll be kicking and screaming otherwise.

"Bad things happen to the people I love," I share with him quietly. "The people I love, I hurt. And I'm hurting you. I'm hurting all of you. And it won't stop. The hurt. The pain. The bad things that happen. It's all because of me. Everything is because of me."

"Oh Julia, that's not true," Addison begins. "Bad things don't happen because you're here. Bad things happen to good people because the universe is screwed up sometimes. You being here makes things better not worst."

"Look," Derek starts, his voice cracks. He places a hand on my knee. "Addison and I hurt so much when you weren't here. We missed you so much. And now that your back, all that hurt, and pain we felt when you weren't here is gone. We can go to sleep every night knowing you're safe. And if it takes you going back into foster care to know your safe, I can live with that, we can work around that. We care about you so much and we just want you to get better"

I can't tell Derek that I don't know if I can ever get better.

* * *

 **Addison's POV**

 _Ships are launching from my chest  
Some have names but most do not  
If you find one, please let me know what piece I've lost_

 _Peel the scars from off my back  
I don't need them anymore  
You can throw them out or keep them in your mason jars  
I've come home_

Finishing off a bottle of whine, I place the bottle down on the coffee table and head towards the kitchen to grab another.

 _What do you know about motherhood?_ _You lost the chance when you aborted Mark's baby_.

Julia's words still sting to my skin, as much as I tried to make them to away, they created emotions. Raw, harsh, mixed emotions. Sometimes I wonder if I did lose the chance. I aborted my own child, wanting to have a baby with Derek. Then Julia showed up. I tired to be a mother to her. I tired to use her to fill that empty void inside of me.

But I don't think I'm capable of loving her, the way mother's love their own children. I deliver babies, almost every day. I see first handily the love each of those mothers have when they hold their child for the very first time. It's an indescribable kind of love. It's a love you never knew existed.

Do I love her, in that indescribable kind of way?

But how can I love in the indescribable kind of way, if I never had a chance to feel it? I see that indescribable love everyday but do I know what it is? Do I know what it feels like?

Does she?

"I told you they were going to take her away," Mark's voice fills the condo. His words slur. His feet stumble inside.

"Are you drunk?" I question him, watching him struggle to the living room sofa.

"You should have told me Red," he ignores my pervious question. "You should have told me they were taking her. I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye."

"What was I supposed to do Mark?" I join him. "Call you in the middle of all it? You haven't been around since we came back. I didn't exactly think you wanted to talk to her."

"I would have liked to know and I think Amy would have liked to too."

"Amelia? What does she have to do with any of it?" I sigh. As difficult as today's already been, the last thing I need is Mark up my ass. "She's in Africa Mark. We all decided to keep her out of this."

"I called her this morning."

"You did what?!" I sit up straighter. "That wasn't part of the plan. You know that. We all agreed!"

"I called her after you called me, told her how fucked up things were and she's coming home."

"We all agreed—"

"I don't care about that Addie. Look, Amy is the only person who can probably fix things around here. She knows how to make everything better. You're not sticking around forever, and Mini D talks to her."

"Mark—" I argue, knowing he's right. I'm not going to be around forever. And now, that things have finally been figured out, there's nothing really keeping me here anymore.

"We need her here Addie."

"Maybe she can figure out why Julia decided to spend the last two years with Ainslie," I agree with him. "I just don't understand. Why do you think she did it?"

"Boyfriend? Drugs?" Mark mumbles.

"I don't know," I shrug. "She got so offensive when I brought up the fact that it was okay for Julia to love her, to want to get to know her."

"Only Mini D knows how badly Ainslie treated her. Maybe she does still love her, and she freaked because she was afraid to admit it?" Mark brainstorms. "We hardly know anything about Ainslie besides what Mini D and Derek tell us."

"What are you suggesting then? We just can't ply information out of her. Julia isn't talking and Derek hasn't exactly been kept up to date on things."

"Get your laptop," Mark orders. "Let's Google her."

"Who Julia?" I pretend to play dumb, getting up to go get my computer.

"Ainslie," he clarifies.

I come back a second later, sitting beside Mark on the sofa, I place my laptop down on the coffee table, opening the screen. I launch the internet icon, typing _Ainslie Gambit_ , _New York, New York_ into Google.

"How's this going to be helpful?" I ask ask as millions of names appear. Facebook accounts. Twitter accounts. News articles. "How do we know which one's Julia's mother?"

"The one who looks like a drug addict?" Mark jokes as I roll my eyes.

"That's low Mark, we wouldn't be saying the same thing about Amelia."

Mark sighs and clicks on the Google Images tab. "How old was Ainslie when she had Julia?"

"Um…" I take a sip of whine while I think. I think back to the night in New York, at the Brownstone, when Julia found a letter Ainslie sent Derek. "I'm not sure…she was young…didn't Derek say she got pregnant with Julia at sixteen? But wasn't Derek in med school? How didn't we know anything about all this?"

"I knew," Mark admits. "He told me one night when we were drinking. Spilt the whole story out, well about him and Ainslie sleeping together, and how wrong he felt about it afterwards. He immediately felt guilty. The whole thing was so fucked up Addie—and then when Kate died, he was a mess."

"How was I oblivious to all of this?" I shake my head.

"He's Derek Addie. He has a freakin good poker face. And besides, the two of you didn't start dating for a while after that, and when you did, everything wasn't a mess for him anymore. He really did love you, you know."

"That seems like a million years ago," I sniff, feeling emotions building up in me. Memories of 11 years emerge. 11 Christmas. 11 Birthdays. 11 Holidays. None of which included his daughter. We spent those years oblivious to the fact she existed.

"If you look on the bright side, we can eliminate all the women over forty, and him," he laughs moving the mouse over to a picture of an older man with grey hair in his sixties.

"That's the Governor of New York, he's friends with the Captain."

"I thought the Captain was Republican," Mark laughs again. "This dude is a democrat."

"The debates at the dinner table must get extremely heated then."

Mark clicks on the picture, which leads him to a news article on CNN's website. I begin to read the article out loud:

 _ **New York's Governor, William Gambit speaks out about the murder of his daughter and 3-year-old granddaughter.**_

" _If anyone knows any information about my daughter's and granddaughter's murder, we beg that they step forward, and report the information to the police" Gambit plead during the press conference him and his wife, Marilynn held early this morning._

 _Ainslie Gambit, age 32 and her three-year-old daughter were found dead early Thursday in their apartment in the Bronx area. Police have ruled their deaths out to be a homicide._

 _While some sources have been coming forward with nothing but positive feedback about Ainslie._

" _She was such a loving caring person. She had such a big heart," long time family friend Lucy Andrews shared._

 _Other sources have informed CNN that Gambit had been struggling from a drug addiction the majority of her life._

 _As of right now police are unsure if this is linked to her murder._

"If this Ainslie Gambit is Mini D's mother, then she's dead." Mark acknowledges. "She had a three-year-old sister. She's dead too. And Julia's grandfather is the Governor of New York. I think I need a drink."

"We don't know if this is for sure." I'm unwilling to believe the truth. But everything, it all makes sense now, why Julia stayed in New York, and why Julia came to see me. Out of all the people, out of everyone, she came to see me.

"It all makes so much fucking sense," Mark gets up, goes into the kitchen and grabs a beer from the fridge. "Think about it though. Her mother dies, her sister dies, and she goes to see you Addie."

"That doesn't mean anything Mark," I begin to argue with him.

In all honestly, it scares me to think that throughout those six months Julia lived with us, I developed some short of mothering relationship with her. At some point in those six months, I became a mother figure to her.

"It means Addie, that Julia cares about you…" Mark shoots back angrily. "You both can deny it all you want, but you and her obviously have some short of special relationship if she chose to go to you out of everyone."

"You're drunk Mark," I'm scared to admit he's right. What do I know about motherhood? What do I know about mothering a teenager, let alone one who isn't mine to begin with?

"And logical. Very logical."

"That poor kid," I let out another heavy sigh, putting my feet up on the coffee table. "She can't catch a break. No wonder she got so offensive earlier when Derek asked why she stayed with her mother all that time. She had a sister."

"Now I feel stupid for even being mad at her," Mark confesses. "She's dealing with all this shit. Does that make me a horrible person Addie?"

"You're not a horrible person Mark, you have feelings too."

"We're not going to tell that we know this are we, Addie?"

I shake my head. "Of course not. We're going to wait until she comes to us. We don't even know if it's true for starters. It might be the wrong Ainslie Gambit."

"Does this change your mind then…about going back to LA? Are you going to stay?" Mark asks. "She clearly needs you."

"And she's got plenty of other people around her. She doesn't need me Mark. We're both trying to fill some empty void each of us has."

"Her mother died."

"It might not even be her mother!" I defend my emotions. I hide my feelings. "Besides, I don't think the Governor of New York would let his granddaughter grow up in foster care."

Mark's fingers type in William Gambit's name into Google. He scrolls down the webpage until he finds a link to the Governor's biography.

"It's her," He presses a finger on the computer screen, just under the name _Kate Julia Gambit_. "How many other Ainslie Gambit's have a sister named Kate, who is also deceased?"

Mark closes the laptop he proves his point.

"I'm still going back to LA, despite this. I'm still going."

As much as I know I should stay, there's nothing here for me anymore. Somewhere amidst all the hectic chaos, Derek and I got divorced. We moved on, we created new lives, and developed new memories. Sure I can move back to Seattle and back into the condo like nothing happened.

But things happened. A lot of things happened. Julia's going to have to learn to deal with things, we're all going to have to learn to deal with things.

* * *

 **Derek's POV**

 _All my nightmares escape my head  
Bar the door, please don't let them in  
You were never supposed to leave  
Now my head's splitting at the seams  
And I don't know if I can_

"Hello?" I call, letting myself into Meredith's house, I drop my brief case on the ground. I hang my jacket up. "Mere?" She said she'd be here when I talked to her earlier.

I decide to do the walk around, check the living room, the kitchen, and the upstairs. I circle back around to the main entrance way.

"Mere?" I call out again.  
I hear footsteps, hurrying up the basement stares, and Meredith suddenly emerges. "I didn't hear you come in," she says, greeting me with a kiss on the cheek. "We're got a surprise for you downstairs."

"A surprise?" I raise my eyebrows, curious to what it might be. "I thought you didn't do surprises." I joke.

"It's not for me," she shrugs, and then takes my hand, guiding me through the house and down the basement stairs.

Music lingers through the air. Laughter follows. "Alex, watch it!" I hear Izzie yell.

"Okay, close your eyes," Meredith instructs. She leads me a few steps further and stops. "Okay. We're here."

I open my eyes surrounded by dark purple walls and instead of the hard cement floor, my feet feel carpet. Izzie, Alex, George, and Lexie are busy working away on a wall furthest from us, covering it in black paint.

"I got the carpet in earlier today," Meredith starts to explain. "I remembered she liked purple, and it was Izzie's idea to cover that wall with chalkboard paint."

"Mere you didn't need to do this—" I begin. "I was going to get to this. But thank you. It's all really great."

"Julia told me she liked to draw once. I thought this way she could put the finishing touches on the room." Izzie comes over to us.

"I'm sure she'll love it," I say. To be honest, I never knew my daughter could draw. She never mentioned it to me before.

"We cleaned out the fridge, bought groceries and locked all the liquor in the liquor cabinet." Lexie joins in.

"The kid isn't all that bad," Alex mutters from afar.

"And we'll all pitch in," George announces. "Helping babysit or whatever."

"I never said I would go that far!" Alex clarifies.

"We just thought you could use some cheering up, with everything that happened today," Meredith's fingers grasp my hand tighter. Words can't describe the mixture of emotions I have felt today. It's more guilt that's crushing me than everything else. I can't help feeling I've let my daughter down again.

"Come on, grab a paint brush," she insists. I grab a paint roll sitting in a tray of purple paint while Meredith turns up the radio. Her body begins to sway to the beat of the music, and eventually, everyone else joins in too. We dance it out.

Long after everyone has gone their own ways, Meredith and I sit against the now dry, purple painted wall in what's going to be Mini D's new bedroom. Our legs tangle around each other's, our fingers intertwined.

"I don't think I can ever measure up to Addison," Meredith begins, voice barely above a whisper. "But she's your daughter…she's part of your life, and because I love you…I'll try to be something in her life too."

"You didn't have to do all this Mere. And I don't want to put you in an uncomfortable situation. Everything you've done so far really means a lot, and I'm sure it will mean a lot to Mini D. You didn't sign up for this and if things ever get to be too much for you, I want you to let me know, okay?"

She nods. "You and her are a package deal Derek. I understand that I have to share you and I'll work on building a better relationship with Julia because of that."

"Don't ever think you have to measure up to Addison. I chose you. I want to be with you." I give her a small smile, an attempt to give her some reassurance.

For the past year, things with Meredith and I have been pretty steady, that's saying a lot considering how rocky our relationship started out.

"You know she thinks of her as a mother," Meredith continues. "We talked the night of the Harper Avery awards. I remember she was drunk and upset about Addison's abortion. I tried to be the better person and help her see that Addison was being a good mother. I compared her to my mother. I don't know if it was the alcohol talking or if it was because she was upset, but Julia couldn't see a difference between them. But I think I made a really big mistake Derek," Meredith presses her lips together, hesitating for a moment. This is all news to me. I had no idea Meredith talked to my daughter the night she went missing. "I told her that growing up there were so many times I felt like running away…what if it's my fault? If I had just shut up, and kept my mouth shut…"

I remember Meredith being questioned by the police. I remember everyone who attended the Harper Avery Awards that night was questioned by the police. But never told me, the two of them talked the night Mini D ran away, that is until now.

"Why didn't you tell me this?" I wonder out loud.

"I guess…I just felt guilty," Meredith lets out a heavy sigh. "Really guilty. I didn't think you—"

"Stop," I interrupt her. "Julia running away wasn't your fault. You need to stop feeling guilty. It's the guilt that kills you, trust me I've been there. When Julia gets an idea into her head, no one can talk her out of it. Her mind is impulsive as hell, and it scares the crap out of me."

"I can see that," Meredith comprehends. "But I think it also scares you because you love her."

"That's true," I nod in agreement. "But I also love you, in a different kind of way." I decide to change the subject. I'm tired of Mini D always being the center of attention.

"Is that so?" Meredith raises her eyebrows. Her lips press together, forming a small smile.

"Very much so," I agree, moving my lips closer to hers.

* * *

 **Julia's POV**

 _Here, beneath my lungs  
I feel your thumbs  
Press into my skin again_

An abundance of bad things tornado around the room. Bad things, that were once trapped inside my mind. I tried to detox once, on my own. The memories, the bad things, it was all too much to handle.

Even now as memories of monsters and demons emerge, the blurriness and slurs of voices regain control of my mind. My bad dreams have become a reality. A reality of hallucinations. A reality of delusions.

Whispers of a child. A figurate of my mother. Bugs crawl up my body. Millions of bugs.

My body temperature increases. Hot chills followed by cold sweats. With wobbling feet and a lost mind, I crawl under my bed. I hide from the demons and monsters so they can't swallow me whole and I try to think of happy things.

But remembering a time I was happy is impossible. Bad things keep emerging one after the other and my mind won't shut off. I try to regain control. I try to diminish the bad memories with happy ones.

 _I'm three. Still a little girl_. _Innocent. A virgin. I love my Momma more than anything._ Drugs. Frank. Getting shot.

 _Then I'm in the hospital. Dr. Montgomery is here._ I push her away. She leaves. I'm alone.

 _The red farm house. Missie and Oscar. And Adam. We fight off the bad guys together. We pretend to be superheroes._ The Meth. The chores. The explosion. The fire that Adman runs into.

 _There's my Aunt Amelia. We're both named Shepherd. We have matching brown hair and blue eyes. There's forever and ever. And Love, it concurs everything._ The drugs. Jet. Parties. Rosa's. Aunt Amelia dying.

 _Eventually, I'm at Little Flower. Kayleigh is there. She protects me from all the bad guys. Our guardian angels watch over us. They keep us safe. Our bound, is unbreakable._ The cool down room. Cancer. Kayleigh gets adopted.

As secrets begin to explode, bad memories begin to outweigh the good. I try even harder. I think of my Daddy. I think of Addison.

Along with my mind, my emotions have lost control. Make them stop. They're killing me. Just make them stop.

Sadness.

Guilt.

Lost.

Love.

Abandonment.

Grief.

Tears.

Anger.

Pain.

Hurt.

The emotions are endless. One after the other they come. One after the other they swallow me whole. Until there is nothing left, but a cold hard reality.

Bare bones. Bare skin. And ghastly, god awful bad things.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm pleased to announce, that I'm not a little girl anymore. My innocence has long vanished, and my virginity has been taken away.

I'm pleased to announce; a devil has been born. And it's been unleased into the Underworld.


	6. A Web of Lies

**Finally an update! Hope you enjoy the chapter. This chapter honestly took me so long to write. I was not happy with anything I wrote at first.**

 **I also made a Fanfiction Trailer for Learning to Love Again. Basically all you have to do to find it is to go to YouTube and type in "Learning to Love Again FanFiction Trailer. However here is the link just in case. Don't forget to remove the spaces when you copy and paste the link.**

 **I have a few ideas for how I want to take the story. Of course I love drama. So I thought about possibly bringing Ainslie's parents (Julia's grandparnets into the story somehow)-Thoughts on this?**

 **www. youtube watch?v=9oIp65EqrP0**

* * *

 **Chapter 5:**

 **A Web of Lies**

What's worse? New wounds, which are so horribly painful,

or old wounds which should have healed years ago, and never did?

Maybe our old wounds teach us something;

They remind us where we've been, and what we've overcome.

They teach us lessons about what to avoid in the future.

That's what we like to think.

But that's not the way it is, is it?

Some things we just have to learn over and over and over… again.

 **\- Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy**

 **The Bronx, New York, New York: A year and 8 months ago**

Exhausted, I collapse on the steps of a Quick Mart. The morning sun is just rising, diminishing the dark skies that once surrounded me. Girls are everywhere. Half dressed and in high heels. They walk the streets, most intoxicated, making the last of their rounds before calling it a night.

My fishnet tights peak out under a short black, body tight dress. A red leather jacket hugs my upper body. I dig through what little I have in my purse, pulling out a box of cigarettes and a lighter.

"Any luck yet?" My friend Dee walks up, greeting me as I breathe out a trail of cigarette smoke.

Dee is older than me. She noticed me my first night out here and then decided to take me under her wing ever since

"Same old," I respond. "I didn't get a chance to score anything yet. Things have been pretty busy most of the night."

"I know this guy we can score off," Dee tells me. Dee pulls a pack of smokes from her purse, along with a lighter. She lights her own cigarette.

"What kind of shit?" I ask her. "Good shit?"

"He's got the best. I've heard he's got Cotton too."

I instantly push myself up off the step. I can't remember the last time I had OxyContin, a decent hit a least. Oxy is expensive. There are other Percocets that are not as expensive and easier to score.

On Hunts Point Ave, somebody is selling something on every street corner and in every alley way. Some of the shit is crap and the bad trips are the worst. For a decent high, you really got to know who you're buying from.

We end up on Lafayette Ave. Brick apartment buildings cluster around each other. Inside, we find out the elevator is broken. We have no choice but the climb the stairs. As soon as we enter the stairwell, music blasts. People scatter the hallway, with open apartment doors. Babies cry, and kids play in the middle of the hallway. Trails of smoke and cannabis circle the air. Dee and I push past the crowded bodies and into one of the open apartments. It's dark inside. Music vibrates and voices echo. Dee approaches a bedroom door, knocking before she enters. Faces stare, eyes completely stoned. They're all completely high as kites.

"I brought her," Dee informs the only white male in the room. He's older, at least in his early 40s. Despite the twists in my stomach, I ignore Dee's odd comment, introducing myself to the man. I learn his name's Mike.

"She pretty," Mike takes the cigar out of his mouth. He moves closer to me so he's inches away from me. Horror lines his face. Lies and mistrust. Everything about him is familiar as if I seen him before; in another lifetime perhaps. "And those eyes. Has anyone ever told you that you're beautiful?"

Mike takes a finger, tracing it from my forehead to down in between my breasts. Surprisingly, despite for a hit of Oxy, I let him.

"I told her that you have Cotton," Dee informs him.

Mike looks towards Dee handing her money from his pocket. My body stands still and my eyes stare ahead to the opposite side of the room. Obviously, Dee played me. Obviously, I know what's going to happen next.

"Everyone get the fuck out," Mike orders, as people around him start getting up to leave the room.

I reach for Dee terrified, except she pushes my hand off her arm. "Don't hurt her okay?"

"Have I ever hurt you?" Mike responds. Which cases Dee's body to tighten up and her facial expression to be dead cold.

With a half vacant stare, Dee leaves the bedroom. I squeeze my eyes shut. Mike's lips touch mine. An elastic band is pulled tight around my upper arm. A needle slides into a vein. A rush appears. An unenjoyable rush. An over drugged feeling. It makes me defenceless. It makes me emotionless. It makes me incredibly vulnerable.

Mike's hands hold me down. They pin me on the bed. I let him undress me. I let him kiss my body. His dick goes inside of me. I lay on the bed. I let him fuck me. I let him use me. I let him hurt me. Mike explodes. A needle goes into my arm again. Everything becomes blurry. Vacant. Unrealistic. Mike leaves the room, slamming the room behind him.

I wobble, tumbling over as I try to put my dress back on. I reach of a tee-shirt on the floor instead. Grabbing the wall for balance, I struggling out of the bedroom. I look around for Dee. Her face has disappeared, blending into the crowd. But another face appears. Her eyes look into my eyes. My stomach flops. Vomit spirals upwards. It lands on the floor by my feet. I squat down vomiting again.

Hands reach for my hair, holding it back. "It's okay baby," a voice I haven't heard in 9 years says. "Momma's here."

* * *

 **Amelia's POV**  
 _Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry  
You don't know how lovely you are_

 _I had to find you  
Tell you I need you  
Tell you I set you apart_

Did you know that it takes 28 hours and 5 minutes to fly from Bulawayo, Zimbabwe to Seattle, Washington? That's where I was for the past 5 months, with Doctors Without Boarders.

The main medical center was in Bulawayo. But I travelled all over. It's amazing how many countries, how many cities, how many villages you can go to in 5 months. Zimbabwe. Zambia. Mozambique. Malawi. Burundi. Rwanda. The Democrat Republic of the Congo.

It's amazing how many lives you can save, using little to no medical supplies, doing life threatening surgeries in the dark. And then there are the unspeakable things you see, travelling to and from each country, travelling to and from each village.

Did you know that Bulawayo, Zimbabwe is 16000 kilometers from Seattle-Tacoma International Airport? The time zone is 10 hours ahead and you make three stops along the way. Bulawayo to Johannesburg. Johannesburg to New York. New York to Seattle.

Also, did you know I'm coming home?

"How far along are you?" The women sitting across the aisle asks me. She bounces her one a half year old on her knee.

My hands rub my visible baby bump. "21 weeks," I smile.

I'm 21 weeks pregnant and in my second trimester. My baby is currently the size of a banana or a pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream. My baby also has been constantly moving. I feel every kick and every push. I remember finding out I was pregnant after being in Africa for a few weeks. I had horrible morning sickness. Nothing I ate could stay down. I thought it was the heat. I thought it was the jet leg. A baby was the last thing I expected.

At first, I thought I couldn't bring another baby into the world knowing there was one who needed me more. I debated aborting this little baby that's currently kicking around inside of me. I realized Julia wasn't a little girl anymore, and no matter how much I loved her, I honestly believed she was incapable of loving me back. I selfishly told myself that this baby inside of me would love me no matter what. And then came a conclusion that there may not be a forever and ever with Julia, but there will always be a forever and ever with my baby.

"Do you know what you're having?" the women question's me.

"Yeah," I nod with my face still beaming. "I'm having a girl."

* * *

 **Julia's POV**

 _Tell me your secrets  
And ask me your questions  
Oh, let's go back to the start_

 _Running in circles  
Coming up tails  
Heads on a science apart_

Derek, Addison, and Lauren locked me up in a Detox facility for a week. They thought an abstinence-based approach was best. Harm reduction was out of the question.

Detoxing is a vicious, vicious thing. Drugs are the only thing on your mind, aside from the cold sweats, the chills, the vomiting, the crawling of your skin, and the never ending hallucinations. The week seemed endless. Piles and piles of tears fell. Screams constantly echoed the room. The cravings drove you crazy and the hallucinations were enough to make you go mad.

My skin's raw from the constant scratching. The temperature of my body hasn't stopped shifting. My energy is drained from fighting off emotions, hidden secrets, and forgotten memories. They play continuously through my mind. I'm too tired to fight them off, to fight anything off. I'm at the point were I am just existing. Day by day. Hour by hour. Second by second.

"Holland Road Group Home for Girls is a drug and alcohol-free group home," Jess, one of the workers here informs me. "Meaning you are not permitted to participate in drug or alcohol use while living here. Are you currently under the influence of drugs or alcohol?"

I'd give anything for a hit of Oxy right now. The rush. The positive emotions. The ability to forget. The ability to disappear into delusions and hallucinations.

"There is no drugs or alcohol allowed inside the group home," Jess continues when I don't respond. "We understand that we can't control what goes on outside the group home, however if are caught under the influence then you won't be able to stay here anymore and will be either put in a more secure group home or a juvenile detention centre."

After being at Holland Road Group Home for Girls for half an hour, I don't think any group home is more secure than this. There are piles and piles of rules, schooling, homework, chores, and group therapy. There is a curfew and plenty of other restrictions, including not being able to see Derek and Addison. That is until they are cleared for visits by social services.

Jess continues to ramble on. Important information now missed. A huge poster stares across from me with the words _Ever Feeling Suicidal? Call Here 24/7. We're here for you. You are not fighting this battle alone_. A bowl of rocks sits on Jess's desk. Papers are piled on it. Words of encouragement scatter the wall. Inspirational quotes, drawings, and objects.

"My role is to support you while you are here," Jess finishes, my mind bouncing back into reality. "Your role is to follow the rules and guidelines that have been laid out. If you want to be respected here, then you have to respect the other girls, but most importantly the staff as well. Respect works both ways. If you don't follow the rules and guidelines, then there will be consequences. It's that simple. Do you understand?"

I nod solemnly.

"Okay then," Jess beings to wrap things up. "I'll give you a tour, show you your bedroom and then tonight at group you can meet the girls, alright?"

I nod again, not having much choice.

"This Sunday is family day," Jess leads me out of the office. "So, by coming to group therapy and to see me every day, as well as doing your weekly chores, if everything goes smoothly and you earn my trust, then I'll allow your family to come for the afternoon on Sunday."

"My family probably won't come anyway," I speak for the first time, my words are hostile and cold.

"Well, either way, we will still open the invitation to them."

Derek and Addison put me in here. They left me. Sent me back to social services. So even if they want to see me on Sunday, I don't want to see them.

* * *

 **Addison's POV**

 _Nobody said it was easy  
It's such a shame for us to part  
Nobody said it was easy  
No one ever said it would be this hard_

 _Oh, take me back to the start_

I sit, in the middle of Julia's room, amidst a pile of clothes, in the middle of what looks to be an aftermath of a tornado. I've been trying to clean up Julia's room all day. In fact, I have been trying to clean Julia's room up for the last two years.

When Julia first left, Amelia spent days in her room. She refused to let anyone touch any of her things and if we did, she'd get completely upset. Her theory was at least for the first few months, that Julia was coming back. Well, that's what we thought as well.

"Addie?" Mark's voice echoes throughout the condo. "Are you home?"

"In here," I respond back, leaning forward and pushing Julia's bedroom door open with my foot.

"You've been here all day," he realizes. "Have you left the room at all?"

"I wanted to clean it up," I shrug. "I mean, some of these things she probably won't wear anymore."

"You're in machine mode. Take a chill pill, have a glass of wine, a drink of beer, anything. Just watching you is stressing me out Come on," he reaches out his hand to help me up.

As I'm about to take it, my eyes circle to room one last time. Piles of now folded clothes sit around me. Her bed's still unmade, the dresser has open and missing drawers. More clothes sit in her closet along with shoes, bags, and boxes. Junk covers her laptop on her desk. Papers, pictures, and makeup. Shoved in the back corner of her room, I see my old Connecticut sweater.

Mark pulls me up to my feet. I walk over to the corner of Julia's room grabbing the sweater, which was covered amongst other junk.

"Is that—"Mark recognizes it.

"My Connecticut hoodie," I finish for him.

"That's all she ever wore at first," Mark laughs. I smile at him, pulling the sweater over my head and then around my body. I don't think she'd mind if I borrow it for a bit.

"I kind of miss her," I admit. "It's different this time. Last time we didn't know were she was so it wasn't like we couldn't see her even if we wanted too. But this time, she's right here. She's so close and we still can't see her."

"Have you thought about what Lauren said, about adoption?"

To be honest, there isn't a second that I don't. Pros and Cons run through my head constantly. And then, there's the last argument we had. Julia's words still sting to me like an open wound. _What do you know about motherhood Addie? You lost that chance when you aborted Mark's baby_. She never lets me forget it. She makes me live through the guilt again and again.

"I don't know if I can do it," I tell the truth, my voice barely a whisper. "I don't know if I can sign those papers. Every time we get closer to figuring things out, she always says something or does something that hurts someone. I don't know if I can keep going through that."

"She doesn't mean half the things she says," Mark surprisingly defends her. "She just does it to push people away."

"She does a very good job at it," I let out a loud sigh. "It's exhausting."

"She's got years of experience," Mark points out getting cut off by a knocking sound which vibrates from outside the condo.

"I'll get it," Mark hurries off.

I follow him out of Julia's room into the main living area. Mark opens the door, revealing Amelia. She stands in the doorway, with an oversized, pregnant belly. She's got to be at least 20 weeks along.

"Did you know the only food they had on the airplane was pretzels? What airline only has pretzels? I would kill for some Chinese food right now, Italian, anything but Mexican. And a hot shower, and a bed."

"You're here." I force a smile on my face. And she's pregnant.

"She's pregnant," Mark speaks the words I can't form. "You're pregnant."

"I'm pregnant," Amelia repeats Mark. "21 weeks pregnant. Italian or Chinese?" Her fingers scroll through her phone. "Chinese it is then."

She places the food order, while I still stand in shock, eyes staring at her belly. There's a baby inside her. That's the last thing anyone would have expected. Amelia's going to be a mother.

"You cut your hair," Amelia recognizes after she's finished. "What are you doing here anyway Addie? Didn't you move to LA?"

"Funny," I finally manage to form words. "I was going to ask you the same thing."

"Mark called."

"You're pregnant Amy," he points out again.

"You know you can congratulate me any time now," Amelia wobbles over to the sofa and flops down on it. "I'm having a girl."

"Congratulations," I shutter, forcing the word out of my mouth. Has she thought of how Julia is going to react to this? Does she even know Julia's here? "How was Africa?"

"I don't think there are words to describe it. The landscapes are beautiful they literally take your breath away. But there's so much war, death, and fighting. I have so many stories," Amelia's eyes light up. "There was this one time I made holes in a guy's brain using an electric drill." "But you're pregnant," Mark points out again, his voice aggressive. "Were you pregnant the whole time you were in Africa?"

"I was—"

"And you didn't think to tell any of us?" Anger emerges this time. Wrinkles appear on his forehead. He's breaths short. A volcano is about to erupt.

"There was a lot of other things going on," Amelia stays calm. "There was never a right time."

"Never a right time?" Mark repeats her. "Never a right time?"

"No Mark," Amelia looks him dead in the eye. "There was never a right time."

"You could have called Amy," Mark continues. "You could have fucking called."

"A heads-up would have been nice," I join in trying to put the pieces together. Mark's enraged right now. Amelia's giving him the cold shoulder. What the hell is going on?

"I didn't come back here to be yelled at," Amelia bellows back at Mark. "I came back because you sounded completely drunk on the phone. What's going on here? What did I miss?"

Mark and I exchange glances, both not wanting to tell Amelia the news. Both still trying to process this pregnancy.

"Did someone die?" Amelia guesses by the astray look on both our faces.

I shake my head lugubriously.

"Is someone sick?"

I shake my head again.

"Is it Derek? Did something happen to by brother?"

"No." I finally speak.

"What what the hell is going on? What aren't you telling me?"

"It's Julia," I breathe softly.

Amelia's eyes widen. "What happened? Is she alright?"

"She's back."

"My niece is back? The two of you should have told me. You should have!" Emotions begin to show.

"Like you told us you were pregnant?!" Mark hollers at her.

"Mark!" I start.

"That's completely different!" Amelia defends herself. "Julia is my niece. She has been gone for two years. You should have told me! Where is she?" Amelia turns to me. "I want to see her. I want to know what happened. I want to see her now."

"Amelia, take a breath," I instruct. The last thing we need is for her blood pressure to rise.

"I want to see her Addie," she begs, her bottom lip trembling. "Please. I need to see her."

"You can't Amy," Mark begins.

"What do you mean I can't?" Amelia demands. "What do you mean I can't see her?"

"Julia isn't here." I start again unable to make the rest of the words come out.

"You just told me she was here Addie."

"She's here in Seattle, she just isn't with us." I clarify

"Derek and Addison called social services," Mark grumbles. "Social services sent Mini D to a group home."

"You did what?! You put my niece in a group home?!" Amelia gets up of the sofa and wobbles back over to the doorway.

"We needed help," I try and pick the best words. "Julia was using drugs. Things were out of control. We called social services, put Julia in detox and she just transferred to her group home today."

"You could have called me! You should have!"

"You never called and told us you were pregnant!" Mark starts again. He's not giving that up. "You chose to run Amelia, just like Mini D did. All of us were fucking hurting and you chose to run. I asked you not to go."

"I couldn't stay Mark. You know that. We talked about this. I was hurting too! I thought we were past this."

"Like hell, we aren't. Did it ever occur to you that _that_ baby inside of you may also be mine?"

Did Mark just say what I think he did? Envy swarms through me. Jealously. Guilt. Feelings emerge and my abortion is remembered.

"Whose else's do you think it would be?" Amelia shoots back.

Mark stares back at her blankly, speechless.

Minutes tick by. We're both tongue tided. We're both lost of words. I breathe in letting the series of events play through my mind and then the questions follow.

Bitterness— _why does Amelia get to keep Mark's baby?_

Dismay – _it's not like I made an easy choice with the abortion._

Resentment – _that may have been my last chance to get pregnant._

Regret – _what would have happened if I kept the baby?_

Anger – _how is it fair that Amelia gets to have Mark's baby? How is it fair that I'm the one that's left to pick up the pieces after everything breaks?_

"You slept with _her?!_ " My voice arises, unable to keep my emotions inside. "You could have slept with anyone. Anyone. And you chose her." words crossly come out of my mouth.

"Not you too Addie," Mark puts his heads in his hands, defeated. "Derek's going to give me enough shit for this as it is."

"Of course, Derek's going to give you shit about this! You got his sister pregnant!"

"Look," Amelia steps in again. No explanation she gives is going to fix things. "I didn't think you had feelings still for Mark…"

Is she seriously going there? "I don't have feelings for Mark," Do I still have feelings for Mark? "Sure we had a history," I brush off the thought. "Sure I aborted his child. So yes Amelia…I have every right to be upset here. But it was the right decision at the time and that's the difference between us. You just don't think. Forget Derek. Forget me. And forget Mark for a second. Have you even thought about how your niece is going to react to this?"

"Don't bring her into this."

"You left her Amelia to think you were dead. You couldn't even look after her when she was 6 years old. What makes you think you are going to be able to look after a baby?"

"That was different and you know that!" Amelia grabs her bag from the counter. "I shouldn't have to explain myself to you. You weren't there."

"Addie stop." Mark tries to play the mediator.

"All she wanted was for you to come back for her. You couldn't even do that. Why didn't you go back for her?"

"Stop Addie," Mark instructs me again. Except I can't.

"Tell me why?" I demand. "Give me some sort of explanation to help me understand how you left her?"

"Do you not think I live with that regret every day? But if I don't recall…you left her to Addie."

My stomach drops. I swallow my guilt. I swallow my shame.

"You and Derek need to stop blaming me for Derek's mistakes. I shouldn't have to keep explaining myself. I loved that child. I cared for her. I looked after her when nobody else did when I didn't have to. I'm not denying that I was drinking and using then but I loved her a lot more then anyone else in her life ever did."

 _And then she thought you died._ I don't dare add that to the conversation. It's already escalated enough as it is.

"I did more than you ever could," Amelia goes on. "I did more for her than you ever will. So yes Addie, the answer to your question before is that I am capable of looking after a baby. I am committed to loving my child, to caring for it, to looking after it and that's more then I can ever say about you. Considering you chose to not love your child, to not care for your child, to not look after your child. You chose to abort your child." The door slams, Amelia disappearing out of sight, Mark at her heels. I'm left with an abundance of feelings, a holocaust of emotions. And guilt. There is so much guilt.

* * *

 **Amelia's POV**

 _I was just guessing  
At numbers and figures  
Pulling the puzzles apart_

 _Questions of science  
Science and progress  
Do not speak as loud as my heart_

"Amy can we at least talk about this?" Mark asks for the thousandth time. His eyes stare ahead at the road. At least he's not yelling now. That lasted for a good ten minutes once we got in the car.

"There is nothing to talk about Mark," I tell him. I just want to see my niece."

"You lied to me, Amelia. You kept this from me."

"You would have made me come home, Mark. I needed to go."

"Hell right, I would have made you come home. If I had known you were pregnant, I would have dragged you out of whatever country you went to even if it was kicking and screaming."

Since I showed up at the condo he hasn't let it go of the fact that I didn't tell him he is the father. I'm going to get enough shit from Derek as it is. Addie's already given me shit so I kind of need Mark on my side.

"I can't…I can't talk about this right now," I redirect the conversation again, as Mark pulls up to a sea foam green looking house in Seattle West. I can't talk about this. Not right now. Julia's the only person I'm worried about.

I open the car door, struggling to get outside. Mark quickly gets out after me. I charge towards the group home.

"You can't talk about it?" Mark angrily repeats me. "We slept together. More than once, before you left for Africa. So unless you were somehow sleeping around with other men, then there's a high possibility that I'm the father of that baby inside of you."

"So you're calling me a whore? I haven't slept with anybody since you!" I turn around to face Mark once my feet hit the side walk. "But we cannot talk about this right now. I need to see my niece."

"They won't let you see her Amy!" Mark continues to argue with me. "If they won't let Derek see her, what makes you think you'll be allowed to see her?"

"I'm going to see her anyway." I hurry up towards the wooden door, knocking loudly before pushing the doorbell multiple times. Pain arises throughout my abdomen. Not the kicking punching constant movement baby girl has been making all day. It's cramping pain. Maybe even possibly contraction pain. But that couldn't be possible because it's too early for baby girl to be here. Much too early. She's not ready and I'm definitely not ready.

* * *

 **Julia's POV**

 _Tell me you love me  
Come back and haunt me  
Oh, and I rush to the start_

 _Running in circles  
Chasing our tails  
Coming back as we are_

Bodies slowly pile into the rec room. They flop down on the colored sofas and chairs one after the other. Eyes stare judging me. Their eyes tell stories. They show emotions, secrets, and fears. I haven't learned their story's yet. I haven't learnt why they're here and they haven't learnt why I am here.

I know their names and their personalities. Journey is dominant and controlling. Skylynn is dramatic and outspoken. Destiny appears tough, she got that look, and she's got the attitude that goes along with it. Hope is a tomboy. She doesn't give a shit about what people think of her. None of the girls do. Sofia and Camille are both Hispanic. Sofia is over emotional while Camille is completely the opposite. And then there's Mya, my roommate. I can't read her even if I tried.

"Alright," Jess clasps her hands together. "You all know how group works. First off," Jess turns towards me. "Everything that is said here stays here. Each day we talk about a different topic. I choose the topic from this basket," she lifts the plastic blue basket up from the floor to show me. "Today we're going to talk about family, friendships, or any relationships for that matter."

There's a bunch of groans.

"Seriously Jess?" Destiny speaks up. "We all know each other, other than her," Destiny points to me. "Half of us don't even have a family."

"Like I said," Jess look sternly back at her before getting up and handing out worksheets. "It doesn't have to be family. Any relationship, friendship, or person that you feel is important to you. I want you to white a list of the most important people in your life, and think about who you are as a person when you are with each of these people. Then in about 20 minutes or so we'll come back together and share."

I take my paper from Jess, while the other girls start to spread out around the rec room. I look at Jess, to the window, noticing a silver BMW, similar to Mark's car park on the opposite side of the street and then back down to my paper.

I write Mark's name down and then quickly scratch it out considering I'm not in his best books right now. I write Ryleigh's name down and scratch her name out as well because she's dead.

I write Meg's name down despite not having seen her in weeks and then consider to write Aunt Amelia's but she's in Africa and doesn't have a clue as to what's going on. I decide to write her name anyway because it's always going to be forever and ever with her.

Banging suddenly echoes throughout the group home, followed by multiple rings of the door bell. Jess places the binder in her lap on the floor, gets up, hurrying up the basement stairs to answer the door. Some of the girl's eye each other and start up the basement stairs to see what's going on. Not wanting to feel out of place, I follow them.

"Neither of you can be here," Jess's voice becomes easier to hear once we are all standing on the basement steps. "Family Day is on Sunday. You're both more than welcome to come then."

"I told her that we couldn't see here," Mark's voice surprisingly arises. "But she insisted."

"I just want to see her, please. I just want to know she's alright," My Aunt Amelia's voice follows his. At least it's a voice that sounds like her. I push past the girls on the stairs nearly falling into the kitchen. I make my way towards to the entrance way. Jess's, Mark's and My Aunt Amelia's faces turn towards me. But something isn't right. Aunt Amelia's belly is round as if there's a baby growing inside it.

"I haven't heard from her in two years, I've just been in Africa the last 5 months and I'm pregnant. I just want to talk to her. Please?"

"Well, it's got to be up to Julia. Just for five minutes." Jess lets out a heavy sigh, her eyes attach to mine for approval.

I shake my head, not wanting to see her anymore. Now that my Aunt Amelia is going to have a baby there will never be forever and ever anymore.

* * *

 **Amelia's POV**

 _Nobody said it was easy  
Oh, it's such a shame for us to part  
Nobody said it was easy  
No one ever said it would be so hard_

 _I'm going back to the start_

"Come on, please?" I beg, fighting the closing door with my hands. "I have to see her."

"She doesn't want to see _you_ ," Jess, the woman in charge of Holland Road Group Home for Girls tells me again. "Do make me call the police."

"Call the police then," I struggle inside the group home.

My niece stands in between what appears to be the kitchen and main entrance way. At least, I think this girl is my niece. She's a mixture of skin and bones. Skulls and cross bones appear on her black tee shirt. Her hair's tangled. Her eyes are dull. With each step I take to approach her, Julia backs away.

"Look at me," I demand selfishly. It's been so long since I've seen her. All I want to do is wrap my arms around her and tell her that everything will be okay.

"No," Julia surprisingly shakes her head. "NO!" She repeats louder as I continue walking towards her.

"I'm going to have to ask you to leave," Jess hurries over, standing in between myself and Julia.

I struggle to find words. There are so many unanswered questions and so many mixed emotions. There's no way I am leaving. A least not until I get some answers.

"Do you have any idea the hell you put us through?" The thought escapes my head. The words are said out loud.

Her head bolts upwards, her eyes daring and deadly. "You're pregnant," her eyes move to my belly. "You're having a baby."

"Yeah," I nod. I should have figured my pregnant belly would be the first thing she notices. "A girl. I'm having a baby girl."

Her eyes widen. Her body becomes agitated. "Then you need to go. You can't be there. I don't want you here. You need to go."

"Amelia, come on." Mark grabs a hold of my arm. I yank it away.

"No." Around us, awkwardness fills the air. Anger suddenly emerges. Worry follows. "Do you know how worried we all have been? Where the hell were you?!"

"YOU NEED TO LEAVE," Jess's voice follows.

"You're pregnant," Julia says again. She ignores all my pervious demands.

Maybe Addie was right, did I honestly think about how Julia was going to react when she found out I was pregnant? I knew it wasn't going to be sunshine and rainbows. I also wasn't expecting her to be back in Seattle either.

"You can't…that's….that's not fair!"

"After being gone for two years, you don't get to come back and tell me what I can and can't do." I defend myself.

"Baby's don't just happen Aunt Amelia!" Julia continues to bush aside my questions. There's so much anger inside her as well. "You have to sleep with somebody in order to have a baby. You could have gotten an abortion…why didn't you get an abortion?"

"I wanted to keep her," words blurt out of my own mouth. "I thought about it, but I couldn't. You weren't here and I didn't know if you were coming back."

"You don't get to do that," Julia repeats herself. "That's not fair. That's not fair. Not when I needed you. Not when I love you. I'm supposed to be your baby." Julia stomps her for impatiently. "And I'm back now." Julia pushes Jess out of the way, coming closer to me.

"Things aren't going to change between us just because I'm pregnant." I start to explain. "I'm still going to love you just as much this baby."

Julia shakes her head persistently. "No, you won't." She insists. "You're supposed to love just me because there's forever and ever. Isn't that enough? Isn't forever and ever enough?"

"Of course, it's enough!"

"Obviously, it isn't if you're having a baby. You obviously don't love me. You obviously don't need me anymore." Past moments arise. Unsettled arguments. Times I should have been there. Times I regret. Heartaches. Absence. Blame. Doubt. Jealously.

"Julia—" I begin. Sometimes, I feel that no matter how hard I try to fix things with her, I just make them worst. I have to make up for nine years of not being there. Then again, it could be worst. Derek has to make up for almost fifteen.

"Am I not good enough?" Loud words demand.

"Of course, you're good enough Baby,"

"Don't call me that! Not anymore!" I get cut off.

"What do you want me to say then? What do you want me to do?" Everything I have been saying is not cutting it.

Julia presses her lips together. She pauses in her thoughts. As time passes and minutes tick by she's becoming closer and closer to self-destructing.

"I want you to get rid of her," she commands. Her words are resentful.

I shake my head. "I can't do that you know I can't do that."

"Then I hope she dies. I hope your baby dies."

"You don't mean that—"

"I do. I hope she dies," her voice rises again, vandalizing me piece by piece. "I hope that stupid baby inside you dies," she doesn't stop there. "So you can understand what it's like to lose someone you love, so you can understand how I felt when you died. It's not fair for that baby to get to have you all her life when I didn't."

The abusive, agonizing words spin within my head. My mind tries to grasp them. My mind tries to burry them. I lost my father when I was six years old. She knows this. I know this. I know she knows this. I can't imagine how she felt when she thought I died. I guess I did a pretty good job at fucking her up. According to Derek and Addison, it's the only think I'm good at.

"That's enough," Jess interrupts, her eyes glare at Julia.

I can't imagine losing someone else. I can't bear going through pain, the grief, and the sorrow all over again. My niece has already disappeared, she's someone else now. I understand there may not be forever and ever with her anymore. But this baby, there will be. And if I lose this baby, there won't be forever and ever anymore. I don't think I'll be able to love anyone anymore. Cramps arise again. With one hand, I grab hold of my belly, the other I hold onto the wall for balance.

"Are you alright?!" Mark asks concerned, reaching for me again.

"I'm fine," I groan as warmness suddenly drizzles down my legs.

"If the baby doesn't die, and you end up having her," Julia's voice is faint, her image blurred. "Then I never want to see her. I never want to see her or you again."

Sharp pain emerges. It's worst then the cramping. It feels as if my uterus has exploded.

"Stop—" I try to make the words come out. I've heard enough. I just need to sit down, take a breather. Myself and baby girl are both fine. My legs begin to feel weak, and I look down to find a trail of blood, which continues to a pool of blood on the ground it then turns into a rip tide swallowing me whole.


	7. Hello, Goodbye

**Chapter 6**

 **Hello, Goodbye**

They say death is hardest on the living.

It's tough to actually say goodbye.

Sometimes it's impossible. You never really stop feeling the loss.

It's what makes things so bittersweet.

We leave little bits of ourselves behind,

little reminders, a lifetime of memories, photos, trinkets,

things to remember us by… even when we're gone.

\- Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy

 **Julia's POV**

 _Dark as midnight  
Six pack Coors Light  
You don't look the same_

" _Amelia Shepherd!" Vanessa exclaims hugging the brown haired blue eyed women in the doorway. "I haven't seen you since high school!"_

Once upon a time I dreamed of a family. Once upon a time I dreamed of love. Once upon a time, I dreamed of forever and ever. Family. Love. Forever and Ever. They were all childish dreams. Unrealistic. Non-existent. My childhood consisted of nightmares. Horror shows. Drugs and Death.

"Did you get prenatal care in Africa?" Mark's voice bellows from the front seat of his BMW. He's speeding through a red light. Cars and trucks blare their horns. They slam their breaks.

"I…" Aunt Amelia breaths heavily, her hands hugging her stomach. Her eyes attached to the baby bump. "Something's wrong. I can't feel her Mark. I can't feel my baby."

I sit in the back seat beside Aunt Amelia, in a pool of her blood. Invisible. Forgotten. Alone. My life still consists of nightmares. Horror shows. Drugs and Death. My life still consists of bad things.

 _"No Shepherd. We're both named Shepherd!" I tell the woman excitedly wiggling in my seat._

" _We both have the same hair color," I hold our hair next to each other. "And blue eyes and the same skin! We must be family if we have the same name!"_

" _What about Vanessa? Isn't she your family?" Amelia asks me._

 _I shake my head. "No. She's not my family. I'm not her real kid. I've never had a family in a long time."_

"What do we got?" Miranda Bailey appears in front of us, a blue surgery gown tied over her lab coat and scrubs.

"She has severe vaginal bleeding and cramping," Mark answers for Aunt Amelia. Blood trails behind them.

"I can't feel my baby." Aunt Amelia whispers as Mark puts her on a gurney.

 _"What happened to your family?" Amelia wonders._

 _"My momma is getting better. My daddy's a superhero 'cept he doesn't save lives anymore because he's broken. Can you be my family because we are the same?"_

 _"Okay. I'll be your family. I'll be your aunt okay?"_

 _I nod my head, jump up from the chair, run over to Amelia and hug her. "Let's be family forever and ever okay?"_

 _"Forever and ever," Amelia says hugging me back._

Medical equipment is grabbed. Aunt Amelia's gurney is pushed into a trauma room. Navy and light blue scrubs follow her. They leave me behind. Hidden. Out of reach.

 _I open the drawer to the end table that's beside the sofa. It's where she keeps her camera. I move the papers around in the drawer trying to find it. My eyes come across a plastic bag filled with grown up candies. I pick them up, looking at them in awe. It's been a long time since I've seen a grown up candy. It's been a long time since I've have eaten a grown up candy. Sometimes grown-up candies, make you feel bad and other times, they make you feel good. I figured since I was more grown up, it_ _would be okay to have a grown up candy. I take a white candy out of the bag and swallow it._

"Where's Addie?" Aunt Amelia's voice begs. "Mark," she then breathes heavily. "I need Addie. I can't lose this baby Mark."

"Someone find Addison Montgomery," Bailey barks out orders. "Someone find the fetal heartbeat."

" _Look Aunt Amelia!" I shout happily jumping on the bed. "I'm flying like my daddy! I'm a superhero like my daddy!"_

 _Aunt Amelia pulls me down into the pillows. She tickles me until I can't breathe. Aunt Amelia then notices the bag of grownup candy on the bed. Her eyes widen as she picks up the bag._

" _Are you going to have a grownup candy too?" I ask her, my body now shaking._

 _"You had one of these?" Aunt Amelia asks calmly. "How'd you find them?"_

" _I was looking for your camera. I found them. My momma used to do grown up candies. So did Frank and Mike. I would have to do grown up things with Frank so my momma could get grown up candies. Frank always gave me grown up candies when we finished. It stopped the hurting."_

People run around. They shove needles in her arms.

"Someone find the fetal heartbeat!" Mark's voice overpowers the others. Crowds of people fill the trauma bay room. "Where the hell is ADDISON?"

" _Grownup candy isn't good for you. Nobody should have grown up candy. It isn't safe."_

 _"It makes you mean right Aunt Amelia?"_

 _"Sometimes,"_

 _"My momma would get mean and hurt me when she did grown up candy. Are you going to do that?" I look up at her with sad eyes._

 _She shakes her head. "I could never do that."_

 _"Why couldn't you?" I ask._

 _"Because I love you too much." She answers. Her wet tears fall onto me. Nobody's ever said I love to me before._

Addison's voice emerges through the crowd. She squeezes green goo on Aunt Amelia's belly.

"Addie," Aunt Amelia whispers. "I'm so scared." I'm so scared too, Aunt Amelia.

"I'm right here Amelia," Addison ensures her while I remain unwanted, unloved, and unremembered.

" _Aunt Amelia wake up," I demand, my hands shake a body lying on the sofa bed. "I had a nightmare about Frank. Wake up."_

 _Bodies move. The blankets ruffle. A light comes on._

 _My own body trembles._

" _Who the hell are you?" The man speaks, his voice is deep. Aunt Amelia sits up in bed beside him. My hands fly around her waist. My head nestles into her body._

" _It's okay baby," she comforts me. "This is Jet," she introduces the man to me. "You are going to have to be a big girl and sleep in your own bed tonight okay?"_

 _Tears fall down my cheeks. Sleeping in my own bed is not okay._

"Is there a fetal heartbeat? Addison!?"

My body slides down against the wall. I hug my knees to my chest. I rock my body back and forth. It shakes. It shivers. Did I kill my Aunt Amelia's baby?

 _I sit in Jet's truck, that's parked in the back of an IHOP parking lot. One of Jet's hands goes through my hair. The other he uses to hold a joint._

" _You're so pretty baby," he tells me. My body moves away from him. Aunt Amelia is only allowed to call me Baby._

" _I know you snuck into our bed last night," Jet moves his body closer. "I know you're jealous of me. I don't want you to be jealous of me," His voice whispers in my air. "It's okay if you want me. It's okay to be curious. It will be our little secret okay?"_

"ADDISON!"

"This monitor is not picking it up."

I close my eyes. I pinch my skin. I take a breath. I try to be brave. I try to be strong. I try to believe in forever and ever.

" _You're going to Rosa's for the night…" Aunt Amelia informs me. She drags me out of the closet. She starts throwing clothes into a book bag._

" _I don't wanna go," I whine. "I just want you."_

" _Jet's going to come back tonight. He's going to be angry Baby. I don't want you here when he is."_

 _Sometimes, I have to help him feel better when he's angry. Sometimes he gets even angrier. He says he'll hurt my Aunt Amelia. He says he won't give grown up candies to her anymore._

" _Does he hurt you when he's angry?"_

" _Baby—" Aunt Amelia starts. She looks at me with sad eyes. "You have to go to Rosa's okay."_

" _Come with me," I beg. "Please, Aunt Amelia. He won't hurt you if you come with me."_

 _Aunt Amelia shakes her head. "I can't go with you, Baby. I can't. I love you. Forever and ever okay?"_

 _I can only nod. I can't say forever and ever back._

"Is my baby dead?" Amelia's voice echoes again.

"I can't hear it," Addison sighs frustrated. "I need a different monitor."

"I'm right here," I try to tell her, but I know it's not me she's asking about. Words become stuck inside. Twisted with memories twisted with moments. I know I'm not her baby anymore.

 _My screams echo throughout Rosa's apartment. It's another nightmare. Aunt Amelia sent me away. She gave me to Frank. She didn't want me anymore. Footsteps come from down the hall. They're not Aunt Amelia's._

" _She won't stop screaming," Rosa's voice fills the air. "Do something to shut her up quick or I'm calling child services."_

 _My light flickers on. Jet stands in the doorway. He walks slowly towards my bed._

" _I thought your Aunt Amelia told you to be good."_

 _I don't respond. I pull the blankets closer to me._

" _You need to listen to Rosa." Jet then adds before climbing into bed with me. He rubs his hand through my hair and then it goes under my pajama top._

 _Tears flow down my cheeks. I wanted my Aunt Amelia. I didn't want him._

"You got my sister pregnant?!" The words shiver down my spine. Daddy? Can you see me? Can you hear me? "First my ex-wife and now my sister?" I remain hidden. I remain out of reach.

"Oh get over it," Mark roars at him. We used to be best friends Mark. A fist goes towards him. Mark jumps forward pushing Derek to the ground.

"I thought you should know the truth. I thought I owed you that!"

"You don't owe me a damn thing!" Derek spits at him. My eyes squeeze shut until blackness forms.

" _God damn Amelia," Jet hollers._

" _I'm not sending her back there Jet…" Amelia yells back at him._

" _She flushed my Oxy down the fucking toilet."_

" _She's a kid Jet. I'll make it up to you okay. I'll get you more Oxy. I'll get you the money."_

" _It's either me or her Amelia. I'm not putting up with this bullshit."_

" _Do not make me choose between you and her…"_

" _I'm going to get more Oxy. Call me once you make up your mind."_

" _Don't leave," Aunt Amelia begs._

 _A door slams. Aunt Amelia cries. I hug my legs tighter to my chest._

"You are right." Mark snarls, as the silence disappears. "I don't owe you anything. In fact, I was more of a father to your daughter then you have been since she showed up here."

"Don't bring my daughter into this." Derek wrestles Mark.

"At least I want to be here for my child. Unlike you. You don't want to be her father."

Derek punches Mark again.

" _Baby?" Aunt Amelia whispers into the darkness of the closet. "Baby are you in here?"_

 _I sniff back snot, I wipe my runny nose and eyes against my sleeve. Aunt Amelia's shadow sits down next to me._

" _What's gotten into you?" She wonders, concerned. "Why did you flush the Oxy?"_

 _I push myself away from her. Aunt Amelia can't know the truth. She can't know THE SECRET._

"Will someone get the two of them out of here?" Addison's voice rises. "Her belly is as tight as a drum. Alert an OR, tell them we are on the way down. I'm going to deliver this baby."

Richard grabs Derek and Mark, pulling them out of the room.

"It's too soon," Aunt Amelia's voice follows hers. "I can't have this baby yet. It's too soon."

"This is the only way Amelia," Addison tells her firmly. Don't take her away Addison.

The trauma room eventually empties. I remain hidden amongst broken promises and never existing fairy tales. Childish nightmares and Lies.

* * *

 _Past my bedtime  
Blue and red lights  
Come take you away_

Forgotten. I walk the Seattle sidewalks, alone amidst the city lights, the people, and traffic. Lost in my mind amidst the memories of black, white and grey. Can you hear me? Can you see me? I must be here somewhere. My thoughts play through my head. They are dark, depressing, disheartening, and defeating. Thoughts of death, suicide, and elsewhere.

 _A horn blares outside my open window jerking my body awake from another nightmare. A man yells from the sidewalk. A warm breeze blows inside. My body shivers and jumps out of bed. My feet tiptoe down the hallway. My feet tiptoe to the sofa bed were my Aunt Amelia's asleep. I climb up on it. My hands shake her body._

" _Aunt Amelia?" I whisper._

I haven't been okay in a long time. I have spent a lifetime, holding back secrets. I spent a lifetime telling lies. I spent a lifetime trying to forget. But somehow, the more I try, the more I run, the memories catch up. I have tried to be okay. I have tried to pretend. I have tried to forget. Sometimes, forgetting is even worst then remembering forever and ever.

" _Wake up Aunt Amelia," I tell her. "I had a nightmare. Wake up." I begin pinching her, over and over again. "I'm so scared Aunt Amelia. Aunt Amelia!"_

 _My Aunt Amelia isn't waking up._

Forever and ever is always and forever. Hope. Love. Happiness. Among the heartache, the dying, and darkness there is always forever and ever. At least, that's what I used to believe. At least that's what I used to hold on to. But when bad things happen one after the other, when the people you love leave, die or hurt you, you start to lose hope, you start to lose happiness, you learn not to love and start to not believe in forever and ever.

 _My head bobs around the apartment. "Jet?!" I call out. "Jet?! Vanessa?! Jet?" Nobody comes running. "Jet! Jet! Jet!" Nobody comes to help._

" _I didn't mean it. I love you. I love you! Wake up!" Aunt Amelia's eyes don't open. Her body doesn't move. I don't want to leave her. But I need to go get help._

Spending a lifetime of searching for forever and ever is exhausting. It's easier to put up walls. It's easier to hide behind lies. It's easier to hurt the people you love. In return, it protects you. It keeps you from feeling, from loving, from living. It keeps me struggling for air. At times, I lie. Even to myself. The truth is, I want more than ever to feel safe and secure. I want more than ever to feel alive. I want more than ever to feel loved, wanted and remembered. Except I'm broken, damaged and bruised. I'm impossible to love.

" _What did you do?!" Rosa yells at me running into my apartment. She punches in number into the phone in her hands. "What did you do?"_

 _I climb on top of my Aunt Amelia again. "I'm sorry I said I hated you!" I then apologize. "I didn't mean it! Don't go where Frank and Adam are. Don't leave me too! Don't leave me."_

I became impossible to love a long time ago. The day forever and ever disappeared. I've vanished with it. Surrendered my soul and watched it break piece by piece. Along the way, I lost myself. I lost happiness. I lost hope. I lost love. And I think, I lost my Aunt Amelia too.

 _The police come. The paramedics come. The police take me away._

" _No, No, No," I scream._

 _I try to bite the man that's carrying me. My fingernails dig into his arms. My Aunt Amelia is the only person I love. They're taking me away from her and I didn't get to tell her I loved her._

The trailer appears in front of me. The middle of nowhere land. Elsewhere. I walk up the gravel driveway, past the fire pit with the chairs placed around it, past the place Addison, Derek and I danced, and into the only place that ever felt like home. Into the only place that ever felt like family.

My face appears in front of me. The poster covers the walls. Forever and ever seemed so long ago. I search the fridge for alcohol. I search the cabinets and drawers for a knife. I search the medicine cabinet for pills. I hit gold in the bedroom where I find a bottle of benzodiazepines. Sleeping pills. I slide my body down the wall in the back bedroom. One hand slides a knife lightly over my arms and the other holds the bottle of pills. Never have I felt so alone. Empty. Worthless. I destroy the people I love. I shatter them to pieces. It's easier to hurt them then to let them inside.

I wonder if things would have been different if forever and ever were real?

I wonder if I would have been so monstrous, full of self-hatred and cold?

* * *

 _Hate to see you like a monster  
So I run and hide  
Hate to ask but what's it like to leave me behind_

"Mini D, where are you?" Derek answers the phone in a panic.

I called to admit I broke him. I damaged his picture perfect life. I stepped into a world I didn't belong. I stepped into a world that didn't want me in it. I called to tell him I'm sorry. I called to give him his life back.

"I'm sorry Daddy," whispers tickle through the phone. Static dances back. Long breaths. A vacant response. "I never meant to hurt you."

"Mini D?" He doesn't understand why I am calling. He doesn't understand that soon I won't be here anymore.

"I'm remembering things, Daddy."

"Why don't I come get you okay?" He suggests this time. "We can talk about them."

"I can't talk about them. They're secrets." More importantly, I can never tell the secret.

I hear Derek sigh. I hear Lauren's voice in the background. "She's there isn't she?"

"She's worried about you Mini D. I'm worried about you too."

"I can't do it anymore."

"You don't have to do it by yourself anymore," Derek attempts to comfort me. "That's what I'm here for. Just tell me where you are okay? I'm almost to the car. I'm coming to get you."

"It might be too late. You are always too late. Do you think that in another life you would have wanted me?

"Mini D I-" Derek begins.

"It's okay Daddy. I know I've done bad things. I know I hurt you. You don't have to want me."

A car engine starts. Will he know where to find me?

"That's not true. I want you in my life. I want you to be my daughter. I want to be your Dad. I want to be that superhero you want me to be. I want to be there for you. I want you to let me in and tell me about the bad things even if they hurt you. My job is to protect you. My job is to love you. My job is to keep you safe. In order to let me do my job you've got to trust me, though."

"Superhero's aren't real Daddy. Neither is forever and ever. They're only real in Elsewhere."

"You are wrong Mini D and I am going to spend every day for the rest of my life proving that they are real. Is that where you are?" Derek then questions. "Are you in Elsewhere?"

"I'm almost there," I reply.

"Promise me you'll hang in there a little longer."

"I don't think I can Daddy."

"Then talk to me," Derek begs. "Tell me about Elsewhere."

I glance at the knife in my hand, the bottle of sleep pills beside it. "Elsewhere is the only place where forever and ever is. It's got love and happiness and family. You aren't hurting in elsewhere."

"Are you hurting now?" Derek asks.

"All the time," I answer. I have never been so honest with him before. With drugs, I used to be able to shut the emotions off. I blocked the memories, the hurt, and pain. Now everything is so raw. Now, everything is ready to explode. "I just want to forget Daddy. Remembering hurts too much." The knife scratches the surface of my skin as I press on it harder. Blood appears. It flows on top of my skin, drips to the ground.

Family, love, forever and ever, they're all childish dreams.

You say hello to them as quickly as you say goodbye.

* * *

 **Derek's POV**

 _I won't be, no I won't be like you  
Fighting back, I'm fighting back the truth  
Eyes like yours can't look away  
But you can't stop DNA  
No, you can't stop DNA_

Doubt

How did we end up here? Struggling to survive, while holding onto memories that tear you apart. Feelings, that make your emotions numb. Yet not enough to block out the feeling that you're never going to be good enough. I'll never be that superhero. I'll never be that father.

Guilt

How can I be a superhero? How can I be a father? I know nothing. I've screwed things up. Let her down. Hurt her in every possible way.

Panic

I nearly fall out of Lauren's Honda Civic with my cell phone still in my hand, the car barely coming to a stop. My heart pounds. My feet run. Is it too late to be that superhero?

Fear

Watching my father get shot was one of the most terrifying moments of my life.

Then there was the time Amy stole my prescription pad and my car while on drugs, crashing it into the telephone pole, she came home and overdosed. She was dead for three minutes.

Then there was the day Julia showed up at the hospital, announcing to the world, announcing to me that she was my daughter, my own flesh, and blood.

The day Julia went missing follows close behind. Police flooded into our condo. They turned it upside down. Child Services flowed in shortly after. Accused me. Accused Addison. Mark and Amy. Just like that, my daughter was declared missing. She was declared a missing runaway.

But this—the fact my daughter could possibly be dead trumps them all.

Entering into the trailer a nightmare is somehow created. I expect the worst. Her body unconscious. An empty bottle of pills beside her.

"Mini D?" I call out, listening for any indication that she might be alive. Then I hear her heavy breaths, her frightened trembles. It takes seconds for me to dash through the trailer into the back bedroom.

"I didn't mean to Daddy." Sadness flows through the darkness of her eyes as they attach to mine. "I didn't mean to. I thought I wanted to—I changed my mind. And it won't stop bleeding."

A towel is tied around her arm. Blood peering through. More towels circle the floor around her.

"I've got to get you to the hospital," my heart beats through my chest, somehow relieved we got here in time. If I didn't, she might have bled out.

"No," Julia insists as Lauren hurries into the bedroom, her jaw dropping at the scene.

Lauren looks from my daughter to her slit wrist to the bottle of pills, Temazepam to be exact. Sleeping pills. "We've got to get you to the hospital." She repeats the exact words, I just said.

"We'll go to the hospital, I'll stitch up your wrist," I tell her. "I'm here Mini D. Let me fix this." I bend down, pick her up, and carry her out to the car.

"Did you try and kill yourself?" Lauren point blankly asks; her eyes stare ahead on the road while I sit in the back seat with my daughter.

"Mini D?" I ask when she doesn't respond, knowing all too well that we need to keep her talking. She's already lost a lot of blood. I wouldn't be surprised if she's in hypovolemic shock. "You wouldn't understand," her voice mumbles, while her head rests against the car window.

Heaviness swarms over my own body. Hurt. Pain. How can someone who is only 15 hurt so much? How could someone decide to take their life away?

"What wouldn't we understand?" Lauren then questions.

"Everything." She breathes heavily. "Everything I remember is all lies. I don't even understand. So how can you understand? She lied to me—she said she loved me. She said there was forever and ever. She lied about it all."

When Julia was six, she had found Amy unconscious. After Amy was taken away, Julia never saw her again. In her mind, she thought Amy was dead. She was six years old and traumatized. One of the only people she ever developed an attachment with, left her, disappeared, and vanished into thin air. What other explanation would a six-year-old come up with?

"Amy does love you," I confirm. "Amy loves you more than anything else in the world. She wouldn't lie about that. You've got to trust me on this one Mini D."

"Maybe she used to love me," Julia mutters. "But she doesn't love me anymore. She stopped loving me the moment she decided to keep that stupid baby. That baby is going to take her away from me!"

"Is this what this is all about? Amelia's baby? Amy loves you so much and a baby isn't going to change that. Deep down inside you must know that. The two of you have been through so much together." I let out a heavy sigh. "I'm trying to understand Mini D," I then say. "But you have to talk to me, help me understand."

Her body shakes. Lip trembles. I can only imagine how she feels on the inside. Frightened, afraid, alone.

"The day before I thought she died, I told her I wanted her to be my Mom. I didn't want her to be just my Aunt anymore."

"Mini D—" I begin.

"She told me no and that I deserved better. I got so mad at her," Julia continues quietly. "Later, I saw the ring. He asked her to marry him at K-mart. She wanted a family with him. She didn't want me. I didn't talk to her all day after that. I didn't listen to her. I colored on the walls. Ran through the house and made a mess.…" Julia takes a breath. "I told her I hated her. I told her that I never wanted to talk to her again. Then she died"

I struggle to find words, to say something comforting. Everything makes so much more sense now, to why she's so jealous of that baby.

"When you found Amy when you were a kid, it must have been scary," Lauren emphasizes. She says the words I can't seem to say. "After what happened to her today, it's probably trigging your memory. It's okay if you're scared…and seeing her today must have been pretty scary too. Sometimes," Lauren continues. She stays calm. "If you go through a lot traumatizing things when you're younger, your brain picks and chooses the things you want to remember. It doesn't mean Amelia lied to you because you may be remembering things that you thought never happened. All the good memories still happened too."

Lauren's explanation makes sense to why Julia's so upset, to why Julia thinks Amy lied. What happened to Amy today triggered her. Julia must be remembering things, she didn't remember before, memories she chose to block out.

"Are you remembering other things?" I wonder.

Julia doesn't respond. Julia looks down at her wrists, that now have towels tied around them and back to the window. Silence echoes back at me as Lauren drives her car off the ferry boat.

"I think must be there is something wrong with me," she finally whispers. "The memories won't turn off and all I want is to forget. I have tried so hard to make them stop. I have tried to hard to forget. It's like I'm being tortured, over and over again. It hurts so bad. I can't…I can't take it anymore. You don't know what it's like to feel unfixable, to be this fucked up that you rather be dead." Her words sink deep into my sink. My heart aches.

"You're not unfixable," I tell her. "I promise I'm going to get you the help you deserve. I'm not giving up on you. And you shouldn't give up on yourself yet either."

Somehow between the doubt, guilt, panic, and fear, it clicks. A light goes off. Aren't superheroes supposed to have faith? Have hope and believe in the impossible? But how can I even be, that superhero she wants me to be?

"How is she doing?" Meredith greets me several hours later. She stands in the entrance way of Julia's hospital room.

I look towards my sleeping daughter in her hospital bed, her arms restrained. Fluid now being pumped into her body. "She lost a lot of blood. She's exhausted."

"I don't know what to say," Meredith walks over to me. "I want to say something, I want to do something that will make things better…but I'm so dark and twisty nothing I say will be right."

"I should have been there," I share with Meredith. "Instead of being so self-centred, instead of fighting with Mark, I should have been there for her. I screwed up Meredith. I screwed up big time."

"You didn't screw up. You couldn't have stopped this from happening," Meredith tells me. "You found her. You saved her. You did everything you could."

I push my hands through my hair, guilt has been swarming my stomach since I answered Mini D's phone call.

"Do you want me to go find Addison?"

"Is she out of surgery?" I question, my mind goes back to the last time I saw her today, wheeling Amy's gurney out of the trauma room, headed off to perform an emergency c section.

Meredith nods.

"And Amy?" I wonder. "She is okay? Is her baby okay?"

Meredith stares at me blankly, unresponsive. Despite the lack of her response, her facial expression is all I need to see to know that the baby did not make it.

The words "Oh God," escape from my mouth. Amy's already been through so much. She doesn't deserve this. "I need to go find her. I need to make sure she's okay." I get up quickly from the chair I'm sitting in, only to stop, as my eyes attach to my daughter. She just tried to kill herself. I can't leave her.

"She's sleeping Derek," Meredith ensures me. "Go find your sister. I'll stay here. I'll let you know if she wakes up."

"Thank you," I breathe in relieved. After coming so close to losing my daughter, I can only imagine how Amy is feeling right now, completely lost, hopeless and alone.

* * *

 **Amelia's POV**

 _Twice a year, you come in crashing  
Nice to see you too  
Johnny Cash and backseat laughing  
Always ends too soon_

 **Seattle Grace Hospital, Present Day**

There used to be this little girl I knew. Her eyes hid secrets, and her smile told lies. She seldom let anyone inside.

I promised her forever and ever was all we needed and she loved me more than anything else in the world.

Then one day, I ruined her chance at forever and ever. I broke promises. I shattered her hopes and dreams.

Her words are replayed in my head over and over again. Then I hope she dies. I hope your baby dies. I hope your stupid baby dies, so you can understand what it's like to lose someone you love.

Her words killed my baby. Her words killed my baby girl. But I turned her into this evil, monstrous, human being. I made her hostile, and cold. Distant. It's because of what happened, it's because of what I did that she grew up shielding people out, putting up walls, and believing forever and ever doesn't exist.

 **Harlem, New York, New York**

 **9 years ago**

We've been waiting in a K-mart bathroom for what seems like an eternity. Waiting for Jet to finish his drug deal. Waiting for the pink plus or minus sign to turn up on the pregnancy test. Waiting for answers. Waiting for lies. We're waiting. Endlessly waiting.

"What's the matter, Aunt Amelia?" Julia's bubbly voice asks me. She sits in between the bathroom sinks, kicking her feet in the air, licking a lollipop. It's purple of course.

"Nothing baby," I quickly brush her off, my eyes still attached to the pregnancy test. The anxiety is killing me. I had a future planned once. I had goals and dreams. Pre-med, med school, an internship, residency, and fellowship. I wanted to become a world class surgeon. Those dreams, goals, hopes for the future seem nearly impossible now. I'm a 20-year-old drug addict living in my friend's apartment, babysitting her foster child while dating my drug dealer. There's no way I can bring a baby into this world. There's no way I'm bringing a baby into nothing.

"You look sad, though," she points out. Her senses are always spot on. She can tell when I'm upset, even when I try not to show it. She can dig through the layers and somehow bring up your secrets, bring up your past. "Did Jet make you sad again?"

"Not exactly," I look from my pregnancy test to my reflection in the mirror. Darkness appears through the makeup under my left eye. I look back down at the test again letting out a loud sigh. The test is negative. The lump in my throat disappears as I sigh in relief.

"Can I tell you a secret that will make you feel better?"

"What's that baby?" I glance up at her.

"My secret. Do you wanna hear it?"

"I would love to hear your secret." I push my body up onto the counter beside Julia, while the pregnancy test falls from my hand into the garbage.

"You can't tell anyone."

"I won't tell anyone," I promise.

"You know how when we go to the park or when we go to the grocery store and all those ladies say that I look so much like you and then they think I'm your daughter?"

"Of course baby, we get told that everywhere we go," I give Julia an empathic look. I have a good idea as to where this conversation is going.

"Sometimes, I pretend that you are my Momma. Mommy's are supposed to love you right? And they look after you like you do. If you were my Mommy, you would be a way better Mommy than my Momma was because you love me and look after me. Why can't you be my Mommy?"

As quickly as it disappeared, guilt surfaces again. A moment ago, I didn't want to bring my own child into this world—one full of hatred, drugs, and monsters. So how is it okay for Julia to be in this world?

I struggle for find the right words to explain this to her.

"Aunt Amelia?" She looks at me, her eyes hopeful.

I take a breath, opening my mouth, about to crush her own hopes, dreams, and future. "Baby, you know this is only temporary, right? Vanessa is going to come back and I'm going to go back to school to be a doctor. I can't be your Mommy. I love you very very much but I can't be your Mommy….one day you are going to find a Mommy and a Daddy that loves you so much."

Julia's bottom lip trembles. Water fills her eyes. "What about forever and ever Aunt Amelia? We were going to be forever and ever."

"There is always going to be forever and ever. I promise. You can call me and write letters and I'll come visit…I can't be your Mommy because you deserve better," I tell her. "I want you to have the world and I can't give you that. A different Mommy and Daddy can."

Julia shakes her head stubbornly. "I don't want any of that. I just want you. I just want you to be my Mommy." She slides her body down from the sink and stomps her foot angrily before heading out of the bathroom. She leaves me to collect my own thoughts. She leaves me behind.

 **Mountainside Treatment Centre**

 **10 days later**

"What are you thinking of Amelia?"

"My niece," I give my counsellor a small smile. We were supposed to be a family one day. But I'm Hurricane Amelia. I'm a destructive ticking time bomb always hurting the people I love.

 **Harlem, New York, New York**

 **10 days earlier**

 _Hate to say hello 'cause I know that it means goodbye  
Hate to ask but what's it like to leave me behind_

Jet stands outside the main entrance of K-Mart waiting for us. He holds a lit cigarette in one hand and flowers in the other.

"I need to talk to you," he eyes Julia, who sulks beside me. She's been like this ever since we left the bathroom. Of course, it's over what I said.

Jet digs into the pocket of his jeans, pulling out some change and a handful of one dollar bills. "Go play the arcade games in the front entrance, ride the baby rides, do whatever just as long it's not illegal." He roughly places the money in Julia's hand.

I give her a nod to tell her it's okay. "I'll watch from the window okay? Why don't you get some sugar fruit candies from the candy machines? Save me the banana flavored ones okay?"

Without saying a word, without protesting like she usually does, Julia turns her head away heading back into the department store. I know I didn't tell her what she wanted to hear in the bathroom but I can't be her mother. How can I be a mother to her, when I can barely look after myself?

"What are the flowers for?" I ask Jet, glancing backward to make sure Julia got inside.

"They're for you." He shoves them in my hands, while the other continues to dig through his pocket. "I got mad this morning when you told me you might be pregnant and I shouldn't of. I might have overreacted a bit…

"You pushed me against the wall and held your hands around my neck until I almost couldn't breathe…you call that overreacting?"

"I'm sorry Aims," he bats his eyelashes, puts on a smile that supposed to charm me. "I went too far. You surprised me. It took me off guard. Things will be different this time, I promise."

"You say that every fucking time. Nothing I do pleases you," I push my hand through my hair. "You talk to me like I'm a doormat and control everything I do. You even smashed Julia's cereal bowl across the kitchen this morning. She's 6 years old Jet."

"Hear me out, please Amelia," he begs. "I've been planning this speech all morning. Please."

I sigh heavily. "Fine. You've got a minute. That's it."

Jet finds what he is searching for, pulling a ring out of his pocket. I stare at the ring in his hand and then back to him with my mouth hanging open.

"I know I haven't been fair to you lately and that I've been angry and stressed over shit. I'm sorry I haven't been accepting of that kid either because if I want to be with you then I guess it's a package deal. I thought about it and how much you love that kid, who is super annoying at times, but you'd do anything for her and thought you'd probably be an amazing Mom to our kid. So I want to give the kid a family. I want a family. I want you. I don't want anything else. I just want a family and you. I just want a family with you. Marry me."

I search for words. He wants a family, with me, with Julia, and with a baby that doesn't exist. This just doesn't feel right but he wants everything I told Julia I couldn't give her.

"Jet, I'm not pregnant."

Jet's smile drops. "You're not pregnant?"

"The test came back negative."

"Then we'll try again."

I don't want to try again. I don't want a baby. Julia's already here. She lives in a world of danger, hurt and lies. I don't want my baby to be born into this mess.

"Marry me Amelia."

"I—"

"What do I have to do to make you say yes?" He demands, tapping his foot. I nervously look back to check on Julia through the glass doors, she's playing the claw machine, trying to catch a stuffed animal.

"I told you we can have the kid in our family too.".

"We can't be parents Jet," I say calmly. "We're addicts. We're kids ourselves."

"We can go to rehab, get clean, move out of the city, get a house in Connecticut with a white picket fence and a dog. You love her right?"

"Let's be realistic here Jet-" I begin only to get cut off.

"It's a simple question Amelia. You love her right?"

"Yes, more than anything."

"Then let's get married. Let's sober. Let's adopt her. Let's be her family."

A lump forms in my throat. I know Julia wants more than anything to be my family but does she want to be his? She's deadly afraid of Jet and I'm selfishly bringing her along for the ride. Then again, feeling love is better than feeling darkness. Feeling love is better than feeling nothing at all.

 **Mountainside Treatment Centre**

 **10 days later**

"Why don't you tell me about your niece?"

"What do you want to know?"

"Tell me about your relationship with her, what's her story? What's her significance to your story?" She's everything. Absolutely everything.

 **Harlem, New York, New York**

 **10 days earlier**

 _I won't be, no I won't be like you  
Fighting back, I'm fighting back the truth  
Eyes like yours can't look away  
But you can't stop DNA  
No, you can't stop DNA_

"I'm not sending her back there Jet…" I yell back at him. Julia's been non-stop since we got home, first, she's smashed all the dishes, then cut through Jet's underwear, spent time drawing portraits on the walls and now had just flushed Jet's Oxy down the toilet. He is beyond mad, is threatening to call child protective services and send her back.

"She's a fucking hurricane Amelia," Jet bellows. "She flushed my fucking Oxy down the toilet."

"She's a kid Jet. I'll make it up to you okay. I'll get you more Oxy. I'll get you the money."

"How the hell are you going to do that?" his voice escalates even more. "I supply you with drugs. I pay the rent. I put food in the fridge."

From her room, the sound of Julia's body pounds against the door. Jet decided to barricade her in her room by moving the dresser from Vanessa's bedroom over in front of the door.

"I'll find a way, I promise," my words tremble. "And I'll make her stop. Just let me go into her room and talk to her…please."

"It's either me or her Amelia. I'm not putting up with this bullshit."

"Do not make me choose between you and her…"

"I fucking love you Amelia and after all, I do for you…you are going to choose some child over me?"

His steps closer and I back away, terrified—now trapped in a corner in the kitchen.

"My family," words quickly spit from my mouth. "My siblings are all doctors. I stole my brother's prescription pad before, I can do it again. They have money too. I'll get some."

Jet backs away, while my body collapses down the wall and onto the floor.

"They're having a family get together this weekend at my brother's beach house in the Hamptons. I can take Julia. I just need a car."

Jet shakes his head. "I can't let you do that…"

"Do you not trust me?!" I try and reason with him. "Just two nights."

"Then the kid stays with me…"

"Jet…"

"She stays with me. That way I'll know you will come back."

"I promise I'll come back…let me take her with me. Please."

Jet takes a chair from the kitchen table and throws it across the kitchen. "Fuck," he screams at the top of his lungs. "If you want this family to work out then you will go to the Hamptons tomorrow by yourself. Julia stays with me. It's that simple."

Jet then turns his back, starting towards the doorway. "I'm going to try and score something to get us through until tomorrow. Call me once you make up your mind."

"Don't leave," I beg, as the door to the apartment slams.

Water falls from my eyes. The drops roll down my cheeks as I curl myself into a ball on the kitchen floor. Hopeless. Worthless. Trapped inside this utter darkness. Unable to escape and unable to breathe.

 **Mountainside Treatment Centre**

 **10 days later**

"We were going to be a family," I share. I look down at the ring still on my finger. "She wanted me to be her Mom. I was going to be her Mom. It's too late now."

"What happened Amelia? Why's it too late?"

 **Harlem, New York, New York**

 **10 days earlier**

 _All the pieces of you  
And the pieces of me  
I'm just so scared  
You're who I'll be when I erupt  
Just like you do, they look at me  
Like I look at you_

I push my body up off the kitchen floor. Time slowly starts moving again. My tears now dry.

I walk down the hallway to Julia's bedroom. I push the dresser away from the door, before letting myself in. My feet instantly come to a halt. It's as if a hurricane passed through her bedroom. What little toys and clothes she are scattered everywhere. The blankets are ripped off her bed. The pictures of her and I, that once sat in frames on her bedside table are shattered. Julia isn't anywhere to be found.

"Julia?" I call out, my eyes glancing towards her closet. It's her favorite hiding place. "Baby are you in here?"

Julia sniffs and takes a few heightened breaths as a response. I sit down next to her outlined silhouette. A routine we have gotten into doing after Jet and I fight.

We sit in silence for a while, as I struggle to find the right words. I can only imagine the confusion that's going on in her mind right now.

"You're going to send me back aren't you?" She whispers into the darkness. Her response completely takes me off guard.

"Baby, what are you talking about?"

"Jet doesn't want me anymore because I've been bad. That's what you were arguing about, wasn't it? Because you told me this is only temporary. You said that you were going away when Vanessa comes back!"

"Jet's not going to send you back," I ensure her. "I'm not going to send you back."

"But you said that you can't be my Mommy…It made me angry."

"Is that why you did the things you did?" I question her.

Julia nods her head. "You told me there was forever and ever and you lied! You lied!" She cries out.

"I told you that there is always going to be forever and ever," I try again, I take another approach.

"Not anymore," she murmurs.

"I promise you there is always going to be forever and ever. You have to listen to me for a minute."

Julia huffs and puffs letting out a heavy sigh.

"Jet asked me to marry him when you were playing inside K-Mart. He wants us to be a family. You, me and him. He promised we will be a family. He wants forever and ever with me and you."

"No, I hate him. I just want you. I just want forever and ever with you." She cries. "If you are going to marry him then I hate you and I hate drugs," her voice suddenly gets louder. Her fists begin to punch my body. "I hate you. I hate you. I hate you."

"Baby—"

"This is my closet. Get out."

"Baby—" I try again, reaching to grab a hold of her hands, she squirms away.

"Leave me alone. Get out. I hate you. I don't love you anymore. Get out of my closet!"

I sigh and get up to leave. "When you've calmed down and want to talk I'm going to be out in the living room."

"I never want to talk to you again!" Julia's words spit as I make my way out of the closet.

Several hours later, as I sit on the living room sofa, with an empty bottle of wine on the coffee table, a small baggy of white powder in my hands. I was able to score some Oxy off Rosa the next door neighbor. Thoughts circulate my mind.

How did I get here?

How did I become this hurricane, this monster, that's completely unlovable?

How did I become so dark and cold? Unforgiving and disheartening?

And how did my siblings and mother get over my father's death so easily, when all I could feel when all I still feel are emotions after emotions?

All I wanted was to get out of the darkness. The overcast and shadowy days. The midnight horizons. The heartache, the feelings, they never did disappear. Drugs just blocked them out. They created this different world, they created elsewhere.

 **Mountainside Treatment Centre**

 **10 days later**

"Amelia? What happened? Why's is it too late?" My therapist repeats her questions.

My bottom lip trembles My eyes drift to the floor. I don't want her to see the pain, the fear, the guilt I feel. I promised her forever and ever. I promised her a family. But I left her behind with a trail of darkness that didn't vanish after all.

 **New York Presbyterian Hospital**

 **8 days earlier**

The beeping sound of a heart monitor greets me. My arms reach up, ripping the oxygen mask off my face. My eyes frantically dart around in an attempts to collect my soundings. A hospital room. My head pounds. Pain travels through my body.

"Amy?" Derek's voice rings through my ears. "Amy?" I turn my head heavily into the direction his voice is coming from. He sits in a chair beside my hospital bed. He places his hand over mine. "It's okay. You OD'd. I'm going to go get Mom to tell her you are awake."

Fussiness forms again. I just want you. I just want you to be my Mommy. Her words echo. They play back again and again and again. I just want you. I just want you to be my Mommy. I just want you, Aunt Amelia.

 **Seattle Grace Hospital**

 **9 years later**

 _I won't be, no I won't be like you  
Fighting back, I'm fighting back the truth  
Eyes like yours can't look away  
But you can't stop DNA  
No, you can't stop DNA_

The universe has stopped. Everything things to be spinning around me. Moving forward. But for me, the universe has stopped. Utterly and completely stopped. My baby, her name would have been Peyton. Peyton Grace Sloan. Shepherd-Sloan sounded too much like a tongue twister. I wouldn't have heard the end of from Mark if I just used Shepherd. He's still in shock over the whole father thing. So I never got the chance to tell him I was going to use his last name. I never got a chance to tell anyone her name.

Her lifetime is lost. Her future is now forgotten. She never got a chance to see the world. She never got the chance to learn forever and ever exists.

"Amy?" Derek whispers, his body stands in the doorway of my hospital room. He looks at Mark, who's asleep in a chair near my hospital bed, and then to Addie who sleeps on a cot.

He's been avoiding me. It's what Shepherd's do in these situations. I'm okay with that. I'm not in a mood for a lecture or the big-brother-know-it-all speech. I get he's mad considering he was the last to find out about my pregnancy. But my baby died. I can't deal with that right now.

"What do you want Derek?"

"Are you okay? How's your vitals? Are you spotting? Are you cramping?"

"I don't need you to go all doctor on me, Derek. My life has turned into a horror show. My baby is dead. My baby died. I'm horrible. I'm devastated. I'm not okay. You aren't my doctor. You are supposed to be my brother."

Derek walks over closer to the bed and collapses into an empty chair. "I'm so sorry Amy," his voice still a whisper.

"I'm trying to be strong Derek. I just …I can't. I just want it all to end," I tell him with tears in my eyes. "I want all the pain to end. I don't want to feel this way, Derek. I'm so scared. I feel so alone. How is it possible to love someone this much? How is it possible to be in this much pain? I held her in my arms...and then they took her away. They just took her away."

"It's okay to feeling all these things, Amy. It's grief. Your baby died. It's okay to feel. It's okay to grieve."

"If I let the emotions take control, they won't stop. Darkness will come. I won't be able to stop crying. I won't be able to stop feeling. I'm not going to let myself fall apart—if I do…I won't be able to put myself back together."

"When you decide it's time we'll be there to help put you back together. You are not alone Amy," Derek reminds me. "Look around you. Mark and Addie haven't left your side…"

"Where have you been Derek? I've needed you…where the hell have you been?" Anger shoots out from my voice.

He's always been there to protect me. When our father got shot, he held me so tight so I wouldn't scream. He resuscitated me when I overdosed the first time and saved my life. He held my hand, and walked me into rehab the first time, and then the second. He promised everything was going to be okay. After all those times I don't understand why he wasn't here this time. My baby died. I needed him. He wasn't here. He wasn't here to tell me everything was going to be okay.

"My daughter needed me Amy—Julia…"

"Don't you dear say her name. Not right now," I cut him off. Her words, continue to constantly plan in my head. Self-blame follows. How do I tell my brother that I turned his daughter into a monster? How do I tell him it's my fault?

"Amy…"

"She told me she wanted my baby to die." Tension builds. It circles the room. Anger vibrates off my body. "She told me she hoped my stupid baby would die, so I could understand what it's like to lose someone I loved." It's easier to blame her than myself right now. I blame myself enough for screwing up her life, I'm not ready to let myself believe I caused my own daughter's death.

"She told you what?! Are you sure she said that?" Derek facial expression is shocked.

"She told me she wanted my baby to die. Mark was there. You can ask him if you want."

Derek sighs heavily. "You must have known that when you went to see her that she wasn't going to take things that easily when she found out. This doesn't excuse what she said but you did blindside her Amy."

"Like how she blindsided us by running away, or just showing up two years later acting like nothing ever happened?" I argue back. "Her words killed my baby Derek."

On the cot, Addison brings herself into a sitting position. She rubs her eyes. "Amelia? What happened? Is something wrong?"

"Derek's daughter told me she wanted my baby to die and now my baby girl is dead." I bluntly fill Addison in. Mark's eyes flutter open. His body bounces from the chair frazzled. He must not have realized he fell asleep.

"What'd I'd miss?" He looks at me, too, Addison, to Derek. "Did you come here to beat the shit out of me again?"

"Sorry about that," Derek mumbles.

"Derek doesn't believe that his daughter killed our baby," I tell Mark. "You were there when she said it. You were there when it happened. Tell him Mark."

"Whatever Julia said didn't kill your baby Amelia," Addison jumps in. She starts to go all doctor on me. "There were complications. We've been over this. You had a placental abruption, Amelia. You went into labor prematurely. Your placenta separated from your uterus and your baby was deprived of oxygen. She was stillborn. There was nothing I could have done—it was too late. Julia's choice of words somehow matched the exact timing your placental erupted…she may have said some horrible things, but her words were not the reason your baby died."

"That is not true. She meant what she said." I shake my head. Tears flutter in my eyelids. I can't cry. I have to be strong for my baby. I can't cry. "My baby died Derek! Everything is always about her. How the hell could she have needed you more than me?"

"After learning you were pregnant and seeing you collapse into your own pool of blood, it triggered her to remember things. She tried to kill herself."

"Is she okay?" Addison gasps suddenly. "Where is she? Why am I just finding out about this now? Derek?!"

"She's sleeping right now. She's exhausted. She lost a lot of blood. After she wakes up she's going to go to the psych floor to be admitted to their inpatient treatment program."

"So she's not okay?" Addison answers her own question.

Derek shakes his head. "No. From what I understand is that whatever she is remembering is so traumatizing that she rather kill herself than live through it again. What the hell happened when the two of you were living together?" He then demands. "What the hell happened to make my daughter want to kill herself?"

His words process in my head, they jumble amidst my other emotions and feelings. He'll never forgive me if he learned about everything that happened. He'll never let me see her anymore.

"Our baby just died Derek," Mark steps in, thankfully so I don't have to answer. "You're seriously going to get into this now?"

"My daughter tried to kill herself, Mark…"

"It's not like she hasn't tried before," Mark points out. "She's tried three times to be exact. The first time she crashed Addison's car, the second time she tried to drown herself in the ocean, and then the third time she took half a bottle of Xanax from my medicine cabinet. This will be her fourth time…"

"Mark—" Addison intervenes.

"You refused to put her in treatment before, and now you only care because child services are watching you like a hawk. Admit it is true."

"Just stop," my voice suddenly rises again. "Stop acting like you all care. She ruined all our lives. She's a monster." She's a monster I created. But they don't have to know that.

"I can't do this," Derek stands up from his chair, his voice stern. "I can't be here when you are talking about her like that. I understand you lost your baby. I get your upset but you do not get to take this out on my daughter. She's hurting too Amelia."

"Then get out," I raise my voice again. I use anger to hide the guilt, to push them all away. They can't know it's me who ruined her life, who left her behind, who made her this way.

"Gladly," Derek mumbles, heading towards the hospital room door.

"Amelia, your acting like a child, you should hear yourself," Addison exclaims.

"Who's side are you on Addie?" I growl at her, as she looks from me to her ex-husband who lingers in the doorway.

"This isn't about sides Amelia," she clarifies.

"You can leave too then," I state blankly. "And you too," my eyes glare at Mark.

"Amy—" he starts.

"Get the fuck out. All of you." I yell. Three bodies stay frozen in their spots. Three pairs of eyes attach to me. "Leave!" I scream, wetness filling my eyes. "Leave!"

The bodies pile out of the hospital room. The disappear into the hallway.

There used to be this little girl I knew. She was lost in her head, innocent and filled with complex emotions, emotions that were out of her control. That little girl was me. She was of mirror image of me, at six years old. A now she's a mirror image of me at 15 years old.

The guilt suffocates me. While the shame shadows the darkness within. I ruined her destroyed her soul and made promises I didn't keep. I created this villain, who terminates everything in her path, whose words killed my baby. Her words, I have to believe their true. I have to believe she killed my baby.

Otherwise, there would only be me to blame. My own wickedness. My own selfishness. I don't think I could live with myself knowing I ruined two little girl's lives, knowing that I'm the monster.

So if this isn't rock bottom, I don't know what the hell is.


	8. Another Tomorrow

**Hi Everyone,**

 **Sorry for the long overdue update on this story.**

 **For this chapter I wanted to do a What If...so it bounces back and fourth to What If...in the What If it picks up were Amelia's flash back left off in the last chapter...so instead of her overdosing like she did, the What If focuses on What If Julia went with Amelia to Derek's beach house in the Hamptons.**

 **Also some of you might be wondering the direction I'm taking in this story. I want to really focus on the topic of trauma and attachment. These topics are going to give us an understanding on why Julia is making some of the decisions she is and why she is feeling some of the emotions she.**

 **Looking back at her past, with Amelia will help us understand why she is so attached to her...partly because Amelia was one of the only adults she did attach to.**

 **I worked really hard on this chapter. Hope you enjoy it.**

 **Chapter 7:**

 **Another Tomorrow**

Nobody's memory is perfect or complete. We jumble things up. We lose track of time.

We're in one place, then another, and it all feels like one long, inescapable moment.

It's just like my mother used to say: the carousel never stops turning.

\- Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy

 **Julia's POV**

 _Be still and know that I'm with you  
Be still and know that I am here  
Be still and know that I'm with you  
Be still, be still, and know_

Eyes fade shut. Colors spin. Lights flicker. Slower. Faster. Faster. Slower. Little giggles fill my ears. Whispers call my name. Through the blurred lines, a figure appears. Glass shatters around me. Smothers me. Descends me. Laughter disappears. Figures fade and reemerge.

Cries. Screams of horror. Mine. Classic rock songs are sung. Warmth. Comfort. Safety. Love. _"She's got a smile that it seems to me, reminds me of childhood memories. Where everything was as fresh as the bright blue sky."_

My Momma holds me. Comforts me. Loves me. She wipes my tears. Whispers false hope and lullabies. " _Now and then when I see her face she takes me away to that special place. And if I stared too long I'd probably break down and cry sweet child o' mine, sweet love of mine."_

She places me down. Tells me goodbye. Tells me she that she can't comfort me and love me. I watch her leave. Cry out to her. Scream in horror. Bombs fall. One after the other. Chaos erases the make believe. It brings in coldness. Evil. Indifference.

Yelling emerges. Harsh voices. Bad words. Men fight with the grown-ups I love. They toss colorful pills around in exchange for money. In exchange for me. Men touch me. Men climb on top of me. Men take advantage of me. Child me. Teenage me. They hurt me. Leave me helpless. Hopeless. Vulnerable. Insignificant.

 _No. No. No._

Nothing becomes everything. Everything becomes nothing. The human connection and the cravings for attachment remain unmet. Lost in a distant storm. A typhoon sweeps through. It corrupts the universe around me. Tangles me inside of it. I hear footsteps in my room. Darkness circles around the closet I'm hiding inside of. Wet drops fall down my face. I'm so scared and afraid to step outside these walls. Who's on the other side? Jet? Aunt Amelia?

The closet door creaks open. Light shines through the cracks. Immortal memories emerge. Aunt Amelia appears. My heart slows down a little bit.

"Have you been in here all night?" Lost in tears, my eyes stare at her. I must have fallen asleep admits the yelling and horror shows.

She approaches me. Her face, black and blue. Jet hurt her again. Guilt hits me. I should have let her hide inside my closet with me last night.

"We need to go, Baby," she says, in a stern voice, you know the kind of voice grown-ups use when you are in trouble.

"No," I mutter. She made me mad last night when she said that she was marrying Jet. She made me mad when she said Jet wanted us to be a family. I don't want to be a family with Jet. I just want to be a family with my Aunt Amelia. "I don't want you to marry Jet."

"I'm not marrying Jet anymore," Aunt Amelia grabs my arm and pulls me up onto my feet. She holds my book bag in her hand, my jacket in the other. My heart starts racing again. Every time I do something bad, the people I love leave. They send me back into a nightmare filled with other forgotten kids.

"No!" I scream, attempting to make a run for it. I don't wanna be trapped in the nightmare again.

Aunt Amelia grabs a hold of me. I struggle in her grip.

"I don't wanna go back there," I beg. "I'm sorry I was bad. Please don't send me back there. I'm sorry!" Tears fill my eyes again. Lots of different feelings flow inside of me. I want to get them out. So I try and wiggle my body from Aunt Amelia's arms. I try and get Aunt Amelia to stop loving me. As I cry harder, Aunt Amelia holds me tighter. She doesn't let me go.

"I'm not sending you back Baby okay? We're going to my brother's beach house."

"Jet's not coming with us?" I sniff. Aunt Amelia shakes her head.

"No. It's just me and you okay?"

My body stops fighting. I fall into her arms. I let Aunt Amelia comfort me. I let Aunt Amelia love me.

"We need to go now before Jet comes home."

Aunt Amelia takes my hand. We say goodbye to Vanessa's apartment. We climb into Jet's old truck and we drive away, just the two of us, forever and ever.

* * *

 **Amelia's POV**

 _When darkness comes upon you  
And covers you with fear and shame  
Be still and know that I'm with you  
And I will say your name_

Sleep takes over my body. Dreams of a parallel universe. A life that never happened. It's as if the world has never existed. Visions of tomorrow. The hope of what if. I'm trapped in my mind of misconceptions. Delusions. Hallucinations.

In the car, we sing loudly to classic rock songs. We ask questions to Julia's magic 8 ball. We laugh until our bellies hurt and eat ice cream for breakfast. I delay going to Derek's for as long as I can. It's too early in the morning to go to Derek's. He'll know something's wrong if I arrive this early. We drive past East Hampton to Long Island. I take Julia to see the Montauk Point Lighthouse. We run along the beach. We build sandcastles. We put our feet in the water. The ocean is too cold to go swimming. I promise to teach her to swim in Derek's pool.

We stop at Walmart on the way back to Derek's. I buy Julia a purple bathing suit. A new sundress. I buy myself a bathing suit and sundress too. We go across the road to the bathroom. Inside the gas station to change our clothes. I take a hit of Oxy. I do my makeup and fix our hair. I try and make us look presentable.

A little while later, silence lingers through the air as I turn the car onto the road Derek and Addison's beach house is on. I park across the street. A big, seafoam green beach house stares back at us. Coming off from an earlier high, weakness asphyxiates my insides. A dire urge, a dire need for the last of the pills I managed to score off Rosa last night. No drugs.

Butterflies flip in my stomach, nervous for the weekend ahead. I try to avoid family functions. Things are brittle between us, relationships hanging on by threads. By being there, I somehow seem to make everything worst. My sisters will put on an act, a play for our mother. They'll critique my appearance and try to pick up on things where we left off. They'll ask about college. They'll talk about what their lives were like in pre-med school and make things into a competition. Someone will bring up my addiction. They'll ask if I'm using. Someone will bring up Dad and I'll forget to use my filter causing a volcano to erupt. Derek will give me the speech that I'm acting irresponsible and childish. How can we ever trust you? He'll say making Mom cry. For the rest of the weekend, everyone will walk on egg shells around me barely acknowledging my existence.

If the criticism and harshness aren't enough, the fact that I'm showing up unannounced with a six-year-old will be. Aside from the usual questions, my family will interrogate me about her. They will want to know who she is and where she came from. They'll question why I'm not at Harvard taking summer courses. When I walk through the door, my family will be demanding answers, answers I don't have.

Inside my head, I'm ready to crash. I just need another little hit. Enough to maintain the high. I want to be soaring again. Julia yawns and stretches her body in the back seat.

"We're here Baby," I tell her, give her a smile while praying that once we walk through the doors things will go smoothly.

I get out of the truck, go around the opposite side and collect Julia.

"My family might act surprised at first because they don't know we are coming," I share with her. "But you'll have so much fun playing with the cousins." I'm excited she will have kids her age to play with for once. "Paige is a year older, Seth is your age, and I think Madison is a year younger. There are also lots of older and younger cousins. Derek and Addie's beach house is right on the beach and they have a swimming pool. I'll teach you how to swim and my Mom makes the best pancakes in the whole world."

Julia looks at me hesitantly. She gets anxious when she's around lots of people. She doesn't do so well when there's lots of chaos.

"It will be fun, I promise." I give her an encouraging smile

We walk across the street. I try to not let the Oxy take control. We climb up the white porch steps. Cravings overpower my consciousness. Just one more hit, another pick me up. I just need something to help me get through the next little bit, the family introductions, and the hostile looks.

I force my hand towards the doorknob. My heart races. Cravings grow even more strong, even more unbearable. Luckily no one notices us come inside. Through the glass windows, everyone sounds as if they are outside on the back deck. My siblings and their spouses gather around the patio, drinks in hand. The older cousins play in the pool, while the younger cousins play on the grass with the sprinkler. My mother is nowhere to be seen.

I guide Julia into the bathroom before anyone can stop us, wanting more than anything to disappear, to become invisible, to turn around run and never come back. Pounding echoes inside my head. I spin Julia around so she's facing the wall. I don't want her to watch me shoot up.

"Aunt Amelia?" She whispers. My hands stop digging around in my purse.

"What is it, Baby?"

"What if they don't like me?" Her hands play with the ends of her French braids. "Family's don't like me. They won't want me because I've done a lot of bad things."

Her response punches right into my heart. "My family is going to love you, Baby,"

"What about the bad things I've done?"

"Bad things?" I question her. Where did she get that from? "Baby if this is about what happened yesterday when you flushed—"

"Not those bad things," Julia mumbles. "Other bad things." Her body freezes. Eyes stare ahead. Lip trembles. "They make me feel dirty inside. My stomach flips lots. He said I can't tell you because he said that he will take you away from me. I don't want you to get taken away from me because I love you and want you to be my family."

"Nobody is taking you anywhere," I promise. Worry overflows inside of me. Jet must have done something. The possibilities of what if are endless and it makes my stomach sick. "You know you can tell me anything right?"

Julia continues to give me a blank stare. Just from the look on her face, I know there is something she is not telling me. Her reaction when I told her Jet and I was getting married was entirely out of the norm for her. "Did Jet say anything else to you? Did he do something when I wasn't around? Did he hurt you?"

Julia's body becomes anxious. "I'll be better. I promise." Her response still doesn't answer my question.

"Baby—you haven't done anything wrong. Did something happen with Jet when I wasn't there?" I try again.

Julia busts out into sudden tears. The noise pounds my head. I know she's upset. I know I should comfort her, embrace her, love her. That's the last thing on my mind right now.

"I don't wanna ever go back there." She sniffs. She coughs. She rubs her snot on her dress.

"Things are going to be different now. I'm not marrying Jet anymore. It's just going to be the two of us. Forever and ever okay?"

"Promise?"

"I'll always be there Baby. There will always be forever and ever. But right now can you cover your eyes? Keep them closed?" I turn her body back around so it's facing the wall.

I then take a baggy of pills out of my purse along with a credit card, my lighter, and a rolled up piece of tinfoil. I start to crush the capsule with my lighter. My nose goes towards the tin foil, inhaling the white powder.

With my eyes closed, my back slides down against the bathroom door. I sink deeper and deeper into a tranquilized state. Julia's voice fades as I climb higher. I soar the clouds. Beauty sparkles around the atmosphere. I'm lost inside this embrace of a supernatural world. One full of magic, delicacy, and glory. Suddenly storm clouds begin to circle around me and I'm trapped inside the darkness of the sky. Falling backward into nothing but emptiness, unable to escape.

* * *

 **Derek's POV**

 _If terror falls upon your bed  
And sleep no longer comes  
Remember all the words I said  
Be still, be still, and know_

"Here," Addison hands me a cup of coffee as she joins me in the doorway of my daughter's hospital room. I've been watching her chest rise and fall while she sleeps. "She hasn't woken up yet?"

I shake my head. I know she'll wake up eventually when she's ready. Julia lost a lot of blood and put a rather large dent into the Temazepam bottle. Even though her stomach has been pumped, she's still experiencing the side effects of the Temazepam.

"Have you gone back to see Amy?" Hoping she has, as I haven't been back to check on my sister since she yelled at us earlier to get out of her hospital room deciding to blame my daughter for her baby being stillborn.

"She's sleeping too," Addison responds.

I breathe in relieved and completely exhausted.

"You should go get some sleep," Addison encourages. "Take a breather. It's been a long night for everyone."

"I don't want to leave her," I remorse. Guilt forms in the pit of my stomach—guilt that I abandoned her. The guilt never seems to go away. I carry it with my everywhere I go. If I had just been there or even noticed that something was wrong instead of being so self-absorbed maybe, I could have prevented this from happening.

"I can stay with her," Addison insists. "Go home, take a shower. Get some sleep. She'll be here tomorrow."

"I'm going to stay." I decline Addison's offer. "I left her plenty of times before."

Addison lets out a sigh. She looks into my eyes, concerned. "Derek, you have got to stop blaming yourself. You're never going to get past things if you do."

"I may be a world class neurosurgeon but that's all I'll be. She sees me as is this deadbeat father. I'll never be enough for her. She doesn't deserve-"

"Stop. That's not true and you know it."

"I don't know what to do anymore. I screwed up. I don't how to be a father. My Dad isn't around to help me because he's dead. And adding to the list I'm failing in the big brother role as well."

"That girl in there loves you believe it or not. She may not admit it, but she does. She needs you. Julia has gone through so much we can't go back and change the past. You are doing the best you can in this present moment."

"If things would have been different, do you think we'd be here right now? If I had known about here maybe—"

"You don't know that things would have turned out any different," Addison interjects.

"If I had stepped up, and been a better father, and husband," A lump in my throat forms. "We probably wouldn't even be here right now. Would even be here in Seattle? Or divorced, or even married at all?"

Addison's eyes meet mine. Her fingers grasp around my hand. "Even if things had turned out differently, I think maybe this is where we are supposed to be. There has to be a reason why she suddenly came into our lives after all these years. Maybe some things play out exactly how they are meant to be. We don't have to be together to still love her, to still give her a family."

But what if we could have been together? My mind wanders into the possibilities of the past. Into the possibility of what if?

* * *

"Which one of your sisters do you think is going to get pregnant next?" Mark flops into the lawn chair next to me, handing me a beer as he does.

"Mark!" I exclaim, taken back by his sudden question.

"No seriously though Derek, your sisters get pregnant almost as fast as a dog breeder breeds dogs. 100 bucks it's Kate."

"I seriously cannot believe you are bringing this up right now."

I feel small hands tug on my shirt. I look down to see a girl no more than six, blue eyes brown hair. She looks lost, dazed confused…and familiar, insanely familiar. However, she's not a cousin. They're all down at the beach with Mom having a sand castle competition.

We stare at each other in unison both lost for words.

"I want my Aunt Amelia," she states, causing confusion to show across my face. Amy's supposed to be at university taking summer courses. Other than the odd phone call and e-mail and once a year visit to our mother, she's pretty much unreachable. Sometimes she'll show up at mine and Addison's Brownstone asking for money. Addison and Amelia have a pretty close relationship but lately, Amy's been ignoring Addison and the rest of the family like the plague.

What's she doing here, with a kid?

"She won't wake up," her bottom lip trembles. "I want her to wake up."

"Amy's here?" Mark finally speaks for me. He's concerned as well. "Where is she?"

The girl places her hand in mine and with her other hand she points over to the patio doors. She tugs on my arm and leads me to the downstairs bathroom. "She won't wake up."

As I push open the door, Amy's unresponsive body suddenly begins to seize. I focus on her airway, breathing and blood pressure until the ambulance comes. Amy's body eventually stops seizing and in the ambulance on the way to the hospital, Amy remains unresponsive. Her heart suddenly stops. She goes into cardiac arrest and I resuscitate, counting to thirty over and over again.

* * *

"I need to talk to you Derek," Mom says to me a few hours later, once Amy is hooked up to an endotracheal tube, central line and ventilators with a nasogastric tube inserted into her stomach.

"If this is about Nancy calling social services it was the right thing to do."

The little girl, her presentence remains a mystery. Addison and Mom surprisingly insisted we wait until Amelia wakes up to get more answers before we call, while Nancy, Liz, Kath and myself voted against it.

I follow my mother down the hallway, she stops just far enough away from the waiting room not to be heard. "This isn't the right thing." Her brown eyes stare at me, cross.

"We've been over this Mom. We don't know her name or where she is from. It could take days for Amy to wake up. In that time someone, her parents, her family could be looking for her."

"Do you remember about 7 years ago when you came and told me you impregnated Kate's little sister?!" Mom brings up the past.

Unwanted memories now linger in the air. Things we both agreed not to speak of again. She was one of the only people I told. I didn't know what to do at the time. I had dug a pretty deep hole for myself. The situation could have turned out worst. Ainslie's parents could have charged me. Instead, they insisted on paying for med school if I never talk to them again. My mother was furious at the time, but there wasn't a lot she could do either. The Gambit's had both money and power—two things my family did not.

"She had an abortion, Mom."

"Did she actually show you documentation confirming so…"

"Ainslie didn't want an abortion. Her parents…they said that they would handle it. They said they didn't want me contracting Ainslie again…you know that."

"What if she didn't Derek?" Mom questions me.

"Mom—" I start. The last thing I want to do is to get into this conversation. "What's this got to do with that kid?" Except deep down, I think I know.

"Have you looked at that child Derek? Tell me for a second that you haven't thought about the possibility that that child might be yours."

"Ainslie had an abortion." Yet I still don't know if that's true. "Her parents said they would handle it and were very clear that I never contact her again."

"And I couldn't have agreed with them more. They could have pressed charges, Derek."

"You don't believe that Ainslie actually carried through with the pregnancy do you?" I justify.

"It's a possibility," Mom shrugs.

"A very far-fetched possibility," I mutter. What would have been the chances that Ainslie had gone through with the pregnancy, to begin with? Her parents threatened to cut her off at the time, gave her an ultimatum, that either she have an abortion or her trust fund would be demolished.

"You could have waited until Addison was finished talking to her Derek. You didn't have to call child services the very second you arrived at the hospital."

"Waited for what?" I argue back. "To tell us what her mother's name is? There's more than one Ainslie out there. Besides, that kid has hardly said two words since we've gotten here. Calling child services is protocol, you know that."

"You expect me to believe that Nancy called child services because of protocol? She called because she didn't want to have to deal with another one of your sister's messes."

Mom knows that Amy and I do not have the best relationship. She's well aware my sisters aren't that close to her either. The difference between Nancy, Liz, Kathleen and I is that they prefer to look the other way. It's as if they have just given up. They are tired of trying and getting nowhere. To avoid the fighting, I try to stay out of their dynamics. I've been trying to mend what little relationship Amy and I have left, however, it is easier said and done.

"Amy was under the influence, taking drugs in the bathroom of my beach house, while she was supposed to be looking after that child," I state the facts. "She's a kid herself, Mom."

"Amelia is part of the family," Mom reminds me. She's always stuck up for Amy, trying to see the silver lining, playing that protective mother role. "She's your sister. It's true she hasn't made the best choices, but you haven't either Derek."

"Are you still upset over what happened with Ainslie? I thought we had moved past that?"

"I just can't help but think…looking at that kid…" Mom starts again.

"Mom…" I take a breath, trying to stay calm. I'm getting a bit frustrated. "That child could belong to anyone. The chances that she could be mine are slim. I really think you are getting ahead of yourself."

"I just want you to do the right thing. That's all I've ever wanted. We all have had our fair share of mistakes…but we learn from them. We move on. All your father and I have ever wanted is for you to do the right thing."

"This is the right thing," I say partly because Mom's reasoning is leaving me to second guess myself. Ainslie. The pregnancy. Kate's death. I don't want to bring those memories back. I don't want to relive them again. They were memories that existed in another universe. They existed in another lifetime.

* * *

 **Addison's POV**

 _And when you go through the valley  
And the shadow comes down from the hill  
If morning never comes to be  
Be still, be still, be still_

The world is peaceful around the two of us as Julia sleeps. Lost in dreamland, she remains silent and still. As she lays I count her breaths. My own thoughts arise. They rush through my head—thoughts of confusion and conflict, mix messages of love and hate.

I don't understand why I feel the way I do. Why I can't make up my mind, or why I'm unable to let myself be her mother—someone she needs more than anything else in the world. She needs someone to nurture her, love her, hold her when she's scared. She needs someone to show her the concept of unconditional love.

Doubt often holds me back. Sometimes I doubt myself. I don't know if I can do this. I have tried to patch her scars and heal her wounds. I have tried to love her, comfort her, and hold her. There was once a time where I thought I could fix the impossible and repair her soul. There was once a time where I thought I could fight the monsters and demons, rescue her from inside the castle walls. While I break down the walls, she pushes herself further away, putting more up.

It's like there are two different people inside her. When Julia explodes, she becomes this malevolent, evil, wicked monster. Her words destroy your soul, they bring up old wounds. She'll go to no extent to protect herself, to stay where she knows it's safe. People have hurt her and broke her apart leaving her to believe that she is unlovable, overlooked, and damaged. She disconnects herself from others and blocks emotions. She doesn't let herself feel, want or need. All she does, all she knows how to do is let herself exist.

Amelia was the only one who once knew her as innocent, majestic, and naïve. She said she was once bold, inspiring and diligent. A side of her that must be trapped within her castle walls, boarded up and locked away. Between the numbness, detachment, and coldness, even Amelia who once believed in forever and ever is starting to give up hope.

Emotionally I'm drained of Julia's mind games, her rebelliousness, and the fact that I'm unable to connect with her. I don't want to abandon her like so many other people have but I also don't want to play this game of blocking each other out, chasing our shadows. Sometimes, I can't help but wonder if it would have been different if I had known her that way. I wonder if it would help change my mind in promising her forever and ever?

* * *

"Do you think she's using again?" Kathleen whispers to Nancy, Liz, Mark and I as we sit in the waiting room. Derek and Carolyn have both disappeared, went somewhere together. She had taken him aside to talk

According to Derek's sisters, now that both Derek and their mother aren't around, it's the perfect time to gossip. Derek's sisters act so horrible around Amelia. Every little thing Amelia does turns it into what seems to be the end of the world. No wonder why she distances herself and never attends family functions.

"Obviously—she had the Oxy and did overdose," Nancy mutters back unimpressed.

"Do you think she did it on purpose? You try and kill herself?" Liz suggests. "How did we not notice this sooner?"

"Amy's good keeping secrets. I don't think we would have realized sooner," Mark points out.

"Why do we go to the cafeteria and get a snack?" I suggest to the girl. The conversation my sister-in-laws and Mark are about to have shouldn't happen in front of a child.

The girl looks at me solemnly. I stand up and reach for her hand. Together we make our way down to the cafeteria.

"It's Mac 'n' Cheese," I tell the girl, placing the bowl of food on the table. Every kid likes Mac 'n' Cheese right?

The little girl stares off into the distance, her eyes frozen.

"That must have been pretty scary huh?" I attempt something different. It's been almost three hours since Derek found Amelia in the bathroom of our beach house. The girl has hardly said anything the last three hours. Her eyes have been lost in space. Her body, limp, lifeless, and completely detached. She has stayed trapped in her own mind blocking out the rest of the world.

"Do you want something different to eat? There's pizza. Sandwiches. Jell-O. Ice Cream."

Still nothing.

Silence lingers between the two of us. I struggle for words, lost on what to say. Earlier I have tried almost everything to get the girl the talk, to at least tell us her name. But everything about her remains a mystery.

"My husband Derek is trying to find your family," I share with her. "We want to let them know what happened so that they know where you are, that you are okay, and that you are safe."

"My Aunt Amelia is my family. She keeps me safe. We are forever and ever." Finally, something. It's not very helpful but it's something.

"Forever and ever?" My face shows confusion.

"She promised it would be us forever and ever."

"You know forever and ever is a pretty big promise to make," I begin, not quite sure that Amelia had actually meant this promise when she said it. Amelia tends to say things at times, that she doesn't necessarily mean.

"I know that silly," the girl responds. "I'm six. I'm not a little kid anymore. Do you wanna know how I know that?" The girl bats her eyelashes at me.

"How do you know that?" I play along.

"Because " she starts. "When I was a little kid I used to think the only person that could fix things and make you feel better was my Momma and Dr. Montgomery. But Aunt Amelia makes everything better. This time is different because there is forever and ever. She loves me lots more than my Momma and Dr. Montgomery did."

Her explanation leaves me even more confused despite the fact that somehow it makes perfect sense in her mind. I was a Dr. Montgomery once before I married Derek and became Dr. Montgomery Shepherd.

"Where's my Aunt Amelia? I wanna see her."

"She's sick right now. She's got a lot of tubes and machines around her. She's not ready to wake up just yet."

"Aunt Amelia took to many grown up candies. My Momma got sick once. She used to take grown up candies. She never got better. She never came back for me. What is gonna happen to me now? Are you going to take me back to Jet?"

"Is that where you were before you came here? At Jet's?"

The girl shakes her head. "No, we were at Vanessa's. Jet's Aunt Amelia's boyfriend. He asked her to marry him. But Aunt Amelia said that because she isn't marrying him anymore we never have to go back there."

Amelia's engaged? Did I hear that correctly?

"Are you going to make me go back to live with Jet?" She asks again. "I don't wanna go back there. Aunt Amelia promised that—"

"Did something happen when you were living with Jet?

"He is mean."

"Mean?"

"Yeah mean. I wanna stay here. I promise I'll be good," she begs. "I won't be bad."

"Sweetie, Amelia might not be waking up for a while.

"Is my Aunt Amelia dead?" She then bluntly asks, her eyes still lost in the distance. "She looked dead."

"Oh, she's not dead Sweetie, her body is just recovering."

"I don't want to go anywhere else. I want my Aunt Amelia," Her lip trembles. Her voice is barely above a whisper."

"How about I take you to go see her?" Knowing that taking a child into the ICU might not be the best idea.

I take her hand, lead her to the elevator heading up to the ICU. I sneak Julia past Derek's sisters who are too self-absorbed in another argument to see us pass by while Derek and his mother are nowhere to seen.

"Family only," a nurse says as we approach Amelia's hospital room. "I'm her sister." The nurse nods.

The girl hesitantly looks at Amelia.

"You can still talk to her. I bet she'll want to know you're here."

"Will she know who I am?"

"I think so."

The girl steps a little closer.

"Hi Aunt Amelia," she greets Amelia's tranquilized body. "It's me. Julia Carolyn Shepherd."

Did she just say her name? With Carolyn and Shepherd?

"I missed you soo much Aunt Amelia. I want you to wake up now," the girl pleads. "I want forever and ever."

From behind me, multiple sets of footsteps freeze in the doorway of Amelia's hospital room.

"Hey what are you doing?" I turn around to see Derek, with a woman standing beside him.

"I can explain Derek…I thought it would be a good idea—"

"You thought it would be a good idea to be a child into the ICU before the patient is even stable?" Derek argues with me.

"She's not a patient, she's your sister Derek," I correct him. "All that kid wanted was to see Amelia. She was so upset and scared. She just wanted to see Amelia."

"I'm Linda," the woman introduces herself. "I'm from social services. I'm here about the girl your sister in law called about. Is that the girl?"

I nod. "Her name is Julia. Julia Carolyn Shepherd."

"I'll run her name through the system. Just give me a minute," Linda steps off to the side.

"Wait she spoke to you?" Derek suddenly seems interested. "As in said more than five words?"

I nod again.

"Carolyn and Shepherd huh?" His response to her name is the exact same as mine. Surprised.

"Julia Carolyn Shepherd," I repeat.

"She didn't mention anything else did she?" Derek asks hopefully. "She didn't say about her mother did she?"

"From what I gather, she doesn't have parents, at least she didn't mention them. Why?" I look at my husband oddly. This is the first time, he has been overly interested in Julia since she appeared at the beach house earlier. He has been for some reason, keeping his distance from her.

"I just find it a little odd that she has both Carolyn and Shepherd as her names."

"I find it odd too," I admit, hoping to get more out of him. "Are you sure she isn't part of the family?" I joke.

This causes Derek to laugh nervously. From the look in his eyes, I can gather there is something he isn't telling me.

"Good news!" Linda joins us again. "She's in care and apparently in a foster placement. We searched Amelia's name in the system as well to see if she happened to be a respite care provider. No luck. We're trying to get a hold of her foster mother, to hopefully find out why Julia was in Amelia's care to being with and how the two of them ended up out here."

"She's in foster care?" I ask concerned. Beside me, Derek's face is now sheet white.

Linda nods.

"So she doesn't have a family? Where's her mother?" Derek questions.

"Even if I had the answers to those questions, I couldn't give them to you for confidentiality reasons."

"She thinks Amelia is her family," I growl at Derek, still rather upset that he called social services to begin with. "I think she mentioned something about living a Jet," I share. "She didn't say too much, but really seems to be attached to Amelia."

Linda looks from me to Derek to Julia who's sitting on Amelia's hospital bed chatting up at a storm. "It might be a while until we can contact her foster mother, so I am going to take her back to our main office in the city."

"Can she stay here? Until you figure things out?' I wonder. "I can try to get more answers."

From the look on Linda's face, I can already tell that the answer is no. As she opens her mouth, we're interrupted by Julia's screams, and the pitter patter of her feet running over to us.

"She's opening her eyes! She's opening her eyes!" Julia exclaims excitedly. She then unexpectedly grabs hold of my hand guiding me back into the hospital room. "What you said worked!"

In the hospital bed, Amelia moves her body. She reaches her hand to take off the oxygen max.

"Aunt Amelia!" Julia exclaims. "I missed you so much. I promise I didn't say anything about the grownup candy or Jet or Vanessa or the getting married or the forever and ever…" Julia's voice wanders off.

Derek and Linda make their way towards us. "Why don't you let your Aunt Amelia rest for a little bit?" Linda suggests.

"Who are you?" Julia bluntly asks

"I'm Linda, a social worker with-"

"What do you want?"

"You're going to come with me back to the city so we can find—"

"No," Julia spits at her. "Aunt Amelia said I could live with her forever and ever. She said I don't have to go back there."

"Say goodbye, it's time to go." Linda reaches for Julia's arm.

Julia, surprisingly bites Linda, hard enough that Linda's hand bounces back. Julia starts to run, only to be stopped by Derek.

"No!" Julia screams. "I want my Aunt Amelia. I want my Aunt Amelia." She kicks her feet and tries to ply Derek's hands off of her. Tears stream down her face. "Aunt Amelia" she whimpers. "Aunt Amelia!"

As Derek struggles out of the hospital room with Julia in his arms, Amelia's voice surfaces. It's scratchy and dry.

"What did you do?" Fear flutters in her blue eyes. Worry. Concern. Caution. "What did you do?!" She yells at me and my stomach flips. I can't help but think that we just did something horribly wrong.

* * *

 **Julia's POV**

 _If you forget the way to go  
And lose where you came from  
If no one is standing beside you  
Be still and know I am_

 _Be still and know that I'm with you_  
 _Be still and know I am_

The deeper and deeper I go forever and ever breaks into pieces. The pieces fly apart never to be found again.

 _I love you so much, baby_. Cries. Screams of horror. A baby's. Aunt Amelia's baby.

 _I love you so much, baby_. Aunt Amelia holds her. Loves her. Comforts her. She promises her baby forever and ever. Tells her baby she loves her. Tells her baby she'll never leave her.

Aunt Amelia doesn't hold me. Aunt Amelia doesn't love me. Aunt Amelia doesn't comfort me. She abandons me. Leaves me behind for someone better. She demolishes my emotions and darkness my heart and damages my trust.

The faster and faster I spin, shields go up. Walls start to build inside of me. They block out love, warmth, and comfort. They protect me from the unknowingness that's yet to come. Somewhere in the far of distance light peers in. The light that once seemed impossible to reach magically overpowers the darkness. Sun breaks through the colds. The tornado drops me into a field with bright green grass and long yellow flowers.

In a closed fenced yard, kids play around me. They laugh. They run. They trade Pokémon cards and play hopscotch and jump rope. I sit on the ground, in the dirt, drawing. I think about how forever and ever is lies.

There's been lots and lots of days since the hospital. Lots and lots of days since Linda took me away from Aunt Amelia. There have been lots and lots of days that have passed by. Aunt Amelia hasn't come to get me. I used to think that maybe she didn't know where to find me, but now, I think that she probably doesn't want me anymore. That's why forever and ever is lies.

"What are you doing over here by yourself?" Linda's voice greets me. I don't look up. I hate Linda almost as much as I hate my Aunt Amelia right now.

"You have some visitors."

I lift my head up. Did she just say, visitors? Nobody ever comes to visit me unless it's new foster parents that come to take me to a new foster home.

"I don't want to go," I shake my head. Aunt Amelia wouldn't know where to find me if I went to a new foster home.

"I think you'll like this home," Linda tells me.

I shake my head again. "I don't want to go."

"They're on their way down to meet you."

"No. I don't want to meet them."

Linda sighs. "Look," she says in a stern voice—you know the voice grownups use right before you get in trouble. "Little Flower is just supposed to be temporary. You know that. This isn't long term. It's just until we find you another placement."

"Jax told me that Little Flower is where you send the kids that nobody wants," I spit back.

"That's not true. Jax has a pretty big imagination. Yes, he's been here the longest but we are still trying to find a placement for him. We found your placement. Once you meet them—I bet you are going to change your mind."

"No. I'm not going anywhere." My eyes dart around. If Aunt Amelia isn't going to come find me, I am going to find her. There's just that fence that goes around the whole playground. That's the only problem. The gate is locked—all the time, other than the workers that come in and out or they let us in and out of the playground.

I take a breath. I clench my fists angrily. I might just have to run for the gate. I really don't want Linda to put me in a new home. I want to be with Aunt Amelia.

I let out a loud huff. I count to three and start running. I run and run. Linda yells. A whistle blows.

"Code Red!"

I run across the playground. I'm almost at the gate when my body crashes to the ground. All kinds of workers and grownups come over to me. All the kids stare. My shoe laces are untied. My hands and knees are bloody. They sting. They have rocks mixed in with the blood.

I start to cry. Not because my stupid knee and hands hurt. It's because I hear the gate lock. I missed my chance. Now I am just so so so mad. Forever and ever is so stupid. Aunt Amelia is so stupid. Everything is so stupid.

As I wipe my eyes, fog goes away. I see their figures in the distance. They stand together hand in hand. He kisses her softly on the cheek. She blushes. Smiles. Returns the kiss. They come over to me. Laughing. Hoping. Waiting. Waiting for me to join them. Unlike all the times before, I don't run to them. I don't reach for them. I'm scared of their love. I'm scared to love them. I'm scared of them loving me.

"She's been having a rough time adjusting," Linda tells them.

A shadow bends down beside me. "Your knee is bleeding."

I look up at him. He looks like me. He looks like Aunt Amelia. I know him from the beach house. I know him from the hospital. I don't remember his name.

"It doesn't hurt," I whisper.

"I guess you're pretty though then. It looks like you fell pretty hard."

"Aunt Amelia says I'm strong and brave. She says that you gotta be brave when things are scary."

"It looked like you were trying to run away," another voice joins in. I look up to see Addie. I remember her cause of the cafeteria and she let me go see Aunt Amelia and sit on her bed and talk with her. Addie is the same as Dr. Montgomery. I liked Dr. Montgomery so I think I might like Addie.

"I wanted to find my Aunt Amelia. I'm gonna have to leave soon and I just wanted her to know where to find me."

"I think she'll know how to find you when you leave," Addie smiles.

"How?" I whine. "I can't see her. I can't tell her where I am going. I'll never see her again." When I think about this I feel so sad. I'm scared I'll never see Aunt Amelia again. I need her. I really really need her.

"Well," Addie pauses for a second. "Derek and I wanted to know if you would like to come home with us for a bit."

"Come home with you?" My body suddenly starts to feel happy again. "To your beach house? Is this my new placement?" I look at Linda hopeful.

Linda nods.

"Really?!" I jump to my feet. My leg is not hurting anymore. I feel better than better.

"Is this okay?" Derek asks me. "We wouldn't be going back to the beach house. We live in Manhattan by Central Park in a brownstone. We're doctors and the brownstone is closer to the hospital we work at."

If they were doctors and worked at a hospital, maybe they knew Dr. Montgomery. Maybe they could take me to see her. "Do you know Dr. Montgomery?" I ask them.

"Dr. Montgomery?" Addie asks.

"Yeah," I bounce my head. "She's a doctor in the hospital. I've been looking for her for a long time. Do you know her?"

Derek and Addie share weird face looks.

"I used to be Dr. Montgomery before I married Derek," Addie shares.

"You were?!"

Addie nods her head. "Now I'm Dr. Shepherd like Derek."

"So your both Shepherd like me?" I've never met so many people with the same name as me before.

Derek and Addie nod again.

"Do you like purple?" I ask Addie. "Dr. Montgomery liked purple. She had on a purple shirt."

"I like purple," Addie says back to me.

"I like purple too." I clap my hands happily. "It's my favorite color. And Aunt Amelia's favorite color. I miss her lots. Hey!" I suddenly get an idea. There's lots of them in my head right now. "Will Aunt Amelia be at your house? Does she know where that is?"

"Amy knows where we live, so I bet she'll be able to find you pretty easily," Derek says. "I bet since she knows where you are, she might even come visit."

"Really?" This has got to be the best day in my life.

"I think you might be able to talk to her on the phone too," Addie adds in.

"Really!?" I cannot believe this is happening. I'll get to stay with Derek and Addie until my Aunt Amelia gets better.

"Why don't we go get your things then," Linda offers.

"Can Derek and Addie come to?" I beg, scared if I leave, they might not be here when I get back.

"Of course," Linda smiles. And I can't help but smile too.

Derek and Addie each for my hands and they lead me home. Everything feels finally okay inside.

Derek and Addie are doctors. They are superheroes. They're strong and brave. They'll know how to protect me from the grownup candy and the bad guys. They'll know what to do when I'm scared. They'll bring forever and ever back again.

* * *

The universe fades. In and out of reality. In and out of daydreams, nightmares and horror shows.

Half alive and lost in eternity eyes pop open. Heart pounds.

"Hey, you're awake."

My head aches. Eyes burn. My body's limp. Lifeless. Words dry.

"You lost a lot of blood. If you didn't call your dad when you did, I don't think you would have made it." Called Derek? When did I call Derek?

My mind's a haze of black and white clouds with nothing to recall, nothing to remember

"Dr. Bailey stitched your wrists. Your stomach had to be flushed out due to the pills you took."

Eyes drift long my body to the stitches placed down my wrists. Restraints hug tightly around them. They tie me down so I can't escape. My memory continues to maintain nonexistent.

"When the doctor clears you, you are going to be transferred up to Adolescent Mental Health Treatment Unit on the 5th floor." The psych ward?

I screwed up. Fucked up big time. Once you are in the psych ward, there's no escaping. They take control of everything including your living, breathing, and sleeping.

"I'm going to go find Derek and tell him you're awake." Lauren's voice fades away into nothingness.

Derek's figure lingers in the doorway of my hospital room. He stands, watching me. I prepare myself for yelling and a consequence. I prepare myself for the worst. Except he doesn't yell at me. He doesn't appear to be mad. Concerned and worried maybe not mad. He knows that soon I'll be trapped in the psych ward and that is enough punishment. No correction, it's pure torture.

"I'm glad you're okay," he says coming over to my bedside. I'm not okay. Far from okay. "You gave me a scare."

I look up at him. Hoping to find comfort. Hoping to find love. Comfort and love seem to be lost too, amongst all the other things. I feel little again. Scared of the possible unknown. Scared of the outcome of my actions. Scared of this monster I've become.

"Where's my Aunt Amelia?" She'll make everything safe again.

Derek pauses. He takes the time to figure out what to say. "Amy's baby didn't make it," he finally says. My stomach sinks. And I feel…. relieved? Relieved that a baby who is so pure and innocence died? A monster. Yup. I'm defiantly a monster. Guilt quickly surfaces.

"I don't think now is the best time to see her," Derek adds.

Selfishness. "What about me? What about forever and ever? Don't I matter to her too?"

"Mini D—" he sighs. Dark circles outline his under eyes. He looks exhausted. He cannot repair the wombs. He didn't cause the damage. He cannot fix what was once broken. I shake my head.

"I had a dream," I announce. "I need to see her. I just need to see her."

"I'm trying to understand what's going on," Derek tells me. "I see that you are hurting. I wish more than anything I could make that go away. Amy's hurting too. She's not in the best place right now."

"I didn't mean to do it!" My words cry. It takes me off guard. "I swear I didn't mean to."

"Do what?" Derek wonders confused.

"Kill her baby," I whisper. "I didn't mean to kill her baby."

"Oh, Julia—Amy's baby was stillborn. Even though what you said wasn't the nicest thing, it didn't kill her baby. It wasn't your fault."

"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry," I cry out " I just want my Aunt Amelia. I just need my Aunt Amelia."

My body collapses into his. He holds me. He loves me. He comforts me. Except I can't feel it. Everything is so closed off, I fear that love and comfort will never get inside. I fear, forever and ever will never exist.

"I know you do," He says as he holds me, as he loves me, as he comforts me. "I know you do."

My nightmares have become reality. I'm terrified I've lost that one person I love most in this world. I may never be able to repair the damage my words have done, but what about what she did to me? Does that count for anything? Does that count for anything at all?


End file.
